Dumpster Diving

This week for my blog, I’m going to talk about something God showed me in a Quiet Time about my mental health recovery. Please join me on this path before I get back to finishing up 1 Kings.

I read Philippians 3:4-9 and something stood out to me about Paul’s description of himself (vs. 4-7) and his conclusions in vs. 8-9. In the NLT verses 4-9 say

⁴ though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more!⁵ I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. ⁶ I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.

So in looking at verses 4-7, I evaluated my skills, concepts, tools, credentials, pride, and education that I relied on to handle my life. As I looked back, I saw that much of what I relied on, maybe all I relied on – coping mechanisms, education, certificates, diplomas – were either unhealthy or unhelpful as I try to live a productive life as Christ’s servant, or even as an healthy adult person. In many ways I’ve been able to develop new approaches to living that are helpful. But what have I done with the dysfunctional aspects of my life?

Verses 8-9 tell us what Paul did with all his credentials and thoughts that did not coincide with his new faith in Christ. Paul considered all his credentials, degrees, birthrights, and qualifications as garbage in light of the new revelation of Christ. Most garbage was useful for a time, but became useless over time. The usefulness of what Paul now considers junk, was in knowing the Scriptures and seeing how they lead to Christ. Obeying the Old Testament was the only measure they had for righteousness.

But Paul says in this passage that all of that is garbage to him because he now sees the fulfillment through Jesus Christ, and his righteousness is not based on the law but on faith. This reminded me of all those things (coping mechanisms) I held onto so tightly as a child and into my adulthood. They were useful, but as I grew and was no longer in the same situations or danger, they only confused what my adult behaviors should and could be. To me, they are worthless and useless (most of the time) as I’ve learned new coping strategies and matured in dealing with my emotions in adult ways. I never really thought of them as garbage before. However, in learning new ways, new ideas, and identifying feelings I’d long stuffed, they have become useless (and they were never all that helpful). As a result, I am closer to Christ and recognize that my “goodness,” “righteousness” is solely dependent on my faith in Christ. 

So as I was thinking about that more during the next few days, I felt ashamed because in a recent session with my therapist, I tried to cover myself in garbage when things got tough. Useless, worthless and obsolete coping behaviors don’t really match up with God’s plan or with my being an adult. I regret all the times when I hop into the trash bin and try to pull out the things that I have, for the most part, done away with. I picture myself, digging in the filth and rotten food, smearing myself in it, trying to regain what I thought I had lost. However, the rotten banana peel I’m rubbing myself in is no longer functional. I think that looking at the old coping skills as trash (obsolete, worn out, useless thoughts and behaviors) is a new perspective and may help me in the future to not fall into using them.

This imagery of dumpster diving is so vivid in my mind, that when I’m tempted to use the old, outdated, and worthless tools for coping with life, I think twice. I find that there are many things I rely on to navigate through life that need to be put in the trash so I can be more effective in this world for the sake of Christ.

·      What are you doing with the old creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and its ways of doing things?

·      Are you also dumpster diving?

·      How can you change that to be more effective for Christ, and to live a productive life?

·      Is it time to let your faith be the primary coping mechanism in your life?

Droughts

Elijah pronounced a severe drought from God throughout the northern country of Israel, Sidon, and Tyre as evidence that God was not pleased with their idol worship. The drought rapidly became severe; there wasn’t even the evening or morning dew.

Of course, Elijah was not exempt from the consequences of the drought. God sent him to a wilderness area away from people. Elijah went. He didn’t know how he was going to survive. The drought became a learning experience for Elijah where he learned to trust God for his every need. There was a little stream that didn’t dry up right away. God did a remarkable miracle in ordering the ravens to bring Elijah food fit for human consumption each and every day. Have you ever tried to get a raven to do your bidding? Of course not! We just know they are not readily trained to even care about people. As a matter of fact, they are more likely to snatch seeds from our fields preventing a harvest.

Elijah grew to trust and rely on God in new ways during the drought. I’ve also experienced droughts. I’ve been emotionally isolated, away from people, distant from God, and away from the joy, happiness, love, and care of others (or at least it felt that way to me). During such times, I pleaded with God for the things I thought I needed. I was often wrong and God gave me exactly what I truly needed. Much like Elijah, God used the droughts in my life to deepen my trust in Him. Over time I’ve seen how He’s given me exactly what I needed, and many of the things I wanted. He used the droughts to drive me closer to, and more dependent,d on Him.

God gives another example of how a drought can work to draw us to Him. In Genesis, where I’ve been reading in my daily Quiet Times, an earlier drought is talked about. This drought drove Jacob and his sons to Egypt for their sustenance. They found Joseph, who they assumed was dead after the brothers sold him into slavery, in charge of Egypt’s vast resources. The drought would’ve wiped them out, but that was not God’s plan. He provided for them, by orchestrating the series of events (read Genesis 37-50) that allowed for them to be reunited with Joseph and to survive the drought. As the brothers repented before Joseph, they were also repenting before God, restoring relationships.

I’m thinking I do not want any more droughts. However, I’m also thinking if they drive me to depend more heavily upon the Almighty God for my care and sustenance, I welcome the hardship into my life. I hope I remember to turn to God with my whole heart and learn more deeply the depth, and the breadth of God’s power and love.

Dreams

The color was the deepest blue. The rays coming through the clouds dazzled my eyes. I was anticipating a great day. My life long companion was keeping step with me as we leisurely strolled through the crowd. Some were waiting in line and some were sitting and eating lunch. I couldn’t decide what to do first.

Out of nowhere, the sky became darkened and the clouds bunched together. They were ominous and my visions of a beautiful day rapidly dissolved. I instinctively turned to ask my husband what we should do, but he wasn’t there. Was this the beginning of a horror story? Looked around and everything was swirling around me. My feet lifted and set down but I did not know where to go or how to get there. Sheets of water were pummeling me so I took the first shelter I could find: a house of mirrors. I was swallowed up by the hallways, and when I turned around the entrance was no longer in my sight. There was screaming. Or was it in my head? My heart was galloping away within me. I tried to ask for help, but no one even turned to me when I tried to speak.

Then I was alone, running, ever running through the maze of mirrors, colliding headlong into panes of the silvery glass. My own reflection terrorized me; I thought it was a monster. After what seemed like hours, days, months I fell and was shaking. It was hopeless. I was trapped, alone. I reached for my purse with my diabetes supplies. It wasn’t there. In fact, I had no bag of any kind.

Where was my husband? Where was my protector? I withdrew inside myself; I don’t know how much time passed. Two men were grabbing me, forcing me to stand. I cried out for my companion, but he was not there. They forced me outside the maze then set me free. I was standing on hot black asphalt – an empty parking lot. I started running and screaming. I just knew my blood sugars were dropping with every step but I didn’t know what else to do. No money, no food, no credit card, no diabetes kit, and no phone. My face was wet, but it wasn’t raining anymore.

I sat up and heaved a sigh. Where was my husband? Lying beside me. I should’ve felt safe but didn’t.

That was a recurring dream I had often for many years. Sometimes in the dream (or should I call it a nightmare?) I would run helter-skelter through a shopping mall or a mountain resort looking for my husband. I felt that he had left me and didn’t care what happened to me. I was tormented by the thought, even once I was awake.

In talking with my therapist about these dreams, I came to realize that they were reflecting my thoughts and feelings about the world. I felt alone. I felt there was no one willing to help me. These dreams happened during the time I was struggling the most with my bipolar disorder and was convinced that nobody was going to stay by me or cared what happened to me.

I cannot remember having such a dream in a few years. My waking hours are crowded with people who care about me and are here to help me. And, I accept that love and concern. I’m thinking, as my recovery is ongoing, I have become less afraid of people leaving me. I’m especially more confident that my husband would not only never leave me, but he won’t leave me even for a short while without making sure I have what I need to survive (mentally and physically) while he’s gone. I am also more confident in myself and generally can appropriately take care of myself.

God created us to have dreams to tell us something. In Genesis 40, God gave the king’s deposed cupbearer and baker dreams. They also needed help to “interpret” them. Joseph enters the scene and gives them both an interpretation. My dreams, hopefully, do not reflect a future for me as the cupbearer’s and baker’s did, but enlighten my past and my present. And sometimes they are just bizarre things my mind comes up with during sleep. 

Opposite to Emotion Action

Last week I talked about how we need to continually be doing God’s commands in order to be walking with Him. I defined what it means to believe, that it involves action. In discussing 1 Kings 8 further with my Bible study partner this week, I saw some further insights into that. This past weekend my Bible study partner’s pastor talked about the difference between believing and faith. He used an illustration of a chair. Believing the chair will hold us is only the start. We have to actually, by faith, sit in the chair.

The pastor went onto explain that in the gospel of John, every time the word “faith” is used it is a verb, an action. It is not passive and just a thing (noun). Some kind of action is always required. In Hebrews 11 there is a long list of people who had faith, but every time the word faith is used, it is followed by the action the people took. For instance, verse 4 says, “By faith Abel offered to God a better sacrifice than Cain.” And in verse 8, “By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going.” The whole chapter is filled with faith being attributed to people who acted. It’s not enough to “believe;” we need to act in faith according to God’s commands.

Switching gears, let’s return to 1 Kings 8 and look at Solomon’s prayer to God at the dedication of the Temple. Starting in verse 27, Solomon prays many truths on behalf of the people of Israel; however, Solomon did not pretend to have God figured out. While man can choose to do opposites, God has no opposites. He is all knowing, and He cannot be unknowing. Basically, God is not within the scope of human understanding. The more we try to describe Him using characteristics we understand, the more we diminish Him. He is not bound by the characteristics of mere humans. In addition, we have no rights to ask the “Why?” question of God. We wouldn’t understand the answers even if He deemed us worthy to know them.

As I contemplated this, I realized just how human I am. I am a mixed up, muddled, bundle of opposites. I can be angry and at peace. I can want to live and want to die. I can be happy and sad. For everything in my character, there is a corresponding opposite. This is so unlike God, but realizing this is true, I have options for how I feel and think and behave.

As part of my recovery from mental illness, I’ve learned some skills for coping with emotions. These skills come from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a therapy model that addresses many of the thinking issues I have as a bipolar person. One of these skills is called Opposite to Emotion Action. This reinforces that I have choices to behave or think in an opposite way to my negative, frightening, grief-stricken ways. Of course, my feelings are still valid and give me good information about myself, but I can stay with those emotions for a little while, and then choose to act opposite to how I’m feeling. It’s not a permanent solution – because I am a person of opposites, but there’s relief for a time. Doing this allows me to feel productive and ultimately gives me hope that things will be better.

While God has no opposites, He understands my opposites. Believing in and acting in faith to follow His commands, is the best opposite I can do. That is one reason I praise God – recognizing that I don’t really understand all there is about God, but it points me in the right direction. What opposite action do we need to do today? And, how can I humbly, knowing I don’t really understand God, praise Him today?

Exciting News

Coming this fall. The second edition of my memoir, The Tootsie Roll Lady: a memoir of mental illness, alcoholism & faith, will be released hopefully in time for Christmas presents.

For those of you who have read the first edition, I recommend purchasing the second edition as it updates my recovery starting after 2005 in an additional Epilogue at the end of the book. There is also a 2019 additional Prologue.

For those of you who have never read it, I think this is an important time to rerelease this book because mental illness is very much misunderstood in today’s cultural, political and health environment. The Tootsie Roll Lady takes the reader through the traumas, struggles, and effects of the mentally ill, from a very personal point of view. Much of society makes assumptions about those with mental illness, and those assumptions are based on the media’s views. The Tootsie Roll Lady addresses those assumptions as readers see mental illness from the inside out.

In coming blog articles, I will explain my reasons for updating and launching this new edition of the book. In the meantime, if you are in a big hurry to read the first edition, it can be purchased at Lulu.com in either paperback or an eBook. Right now there’s a 10% discount. The Tootsie Roll Lady is also available at Amazon.com but there’s no discount there and it’s only available in paperback.

Be looking for more information on the release of the second edition. I will be notifying you in my blog but also in Facebook (More Than Wishing is the business site).

Until next week, know I’m praying for each and every one of my readers and followers. May God bless you and encourage you to keep Him central in your life journey.

Unnoticed Progress

I often forget about a short verse in one of the letters that Paul wrote, but this week I had cause in a couple of ways to remember it and be thankful. I will explain.

Philippians 1:6 says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Sometimes it’s very hard to see the changes in our lives that God is orchestrating. This last week as I’m editing and reviewing the first edition of my book, The Tootsie Roll Lady: a memoir of mental illness, alcoholism and faith, I discovered that God has been keeping true to this promise in my life. I also saw it happening in the life of our daughter. She woke up on Sunday morning to discover that her relatively new moped was stolen. I heard a calm, organized voice on the phone explaining to me how angry she was. She was ready to buy a baseball bat and begin searching Kalamazoo for her precious possession. However, she didn’t do that. She called the police and filed a report.

Her voice dripped with tears and anger sputtered out from the sides. But she was able to manage. A few years ago, an event like this would have quite possibly caused a complete meltdown.

As for me, I was fast approaching the meltdown and a relapse into some self-destructive behaviors. Hopeless. Useless. Powerless. Angry. Devasted. Overwhelming sadness. I desperately and impulsively swung my thoughts towards self-harm. It was intense. Like I haven’t felt in several years. I gripped onto the one sane thought I had, and frantically texted my therapist. She just calmly asked me what I should do if I used my “wise mind” (a DBT Therapy strategy). I turned my thoughts away from the emotions I was feeling for a time and turned to being available for my daughter.

I saw the effects of God-caused (and willing participation on both my daughter’s and my parts) growth. Neither of us reacted impulsively as we would have in the past. Neither of us shut down our emotions until they came out sideways in some unhealthy manner. Neither of us cowered down in darkness and pretended it didn’t happen. All changes.

I look forward to seeing how God continues to accomplish good work in our lives. And I’m so very thankful for the progress we’ve been able to make. He is perfecting us. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

By the way . . . the moped was recovered Monday morning!

Healthy Choices

Another deviation from 2 Samuel.

Making healthy decisions on a regular basis can be overwhelming. Historically, I’m not very good at making the healthy choices. From childhood ineffective coping skills, including making decisions to try and protect myself, are ingrained in my thoughts. The goal is to adjust and change my thinking, my reactions, and my behaviors to more effective, more mature, more balanced thinking.

Becoming better at choosing healthy (mentally, physically, and emotionally) actions is the process of becoming an adult. At first, I didn’t even know my thoughts were “child-like.” They were all I knew and not having examples of other ways of thinking, those were the only thoughts I was familiar with. The thoughts and corresponding behaviors did protect me and help me cope as a child, but as an adult they are ineffective. They are in many cases self-destructive.

Change. What’s the process of changing and learning new ways? I thought you just started doing things differently. That’s part of the process, but that is usually the final step in the process. First, I have to recognize the ineffective, dysfunctional thought or action. For instance, when it comes to losing weight, I have tried many things and the results were not beneficial to me. In one sense I knew they worked for losing weight, but in another, the rest of my body and mind was being hurt. My therapist (and I guess I also do now) identified the unhealthy thinking about losing weight as an Eating Disorder (ED for short). So the first step in making “adult” decisions is to recognize and acknowledge the ED thought or behavior. Sometimes, this happens after the poor behavior has already been executed. But it’s a place to start.

Second, I have to argue against or convince myself to think differently. The behavior will not change without an active, logical thought to control it. Sounds easy? It hasn’t been the case for me. Sometimes I don’t know or can’t determine what a healthy thought would be. Through therapy, we talk about these things and come up with alternative possibilities, which I sometimes remember and sometimes don’t (so I ask for help). So, when ED thoughts are identified, I can counter them with the idea of living a healthy lifestyle as the goal (not to lose weight).

Third, I have to determine to choose to engage in the healthy thought and/or do the healthy behavior – not every time but one situation at a time. With ED, it means choosing foods that are healthy for me, or choosing a walk instead of eating an unneeded snack. This usually involves a bit of arguing with myself. Keeping the argument short is a key to making the right choice. The longer the argument goes on, the less likely I am to choose the healthy thing. (I just give up, saying to myself, “I’m never going to change” which is another unhealthy thought and urge to deal with.)

The last part of the process involves repeated success at choosing the “adult healthy” option. Do it enough and a new pattern forms in our brains replacing the old patterns. At first, choosing the beneficial option may not happen every time (it may not ever happen every time), but the more often that choice is made, the easier it becomes to make and the more automatic it will become.

Someday, you will realize that the old pattern interrupts your life infrequently and you have changed. 

Recovery Thoughts

This week I’m deviating from the series on 2 Samuel for my blog article. As I was reviewing some journal entries and emails to my friend from 2007, I discovered a few things. Some positive areas in my life and some areas where much work is still needed. Today I’m going to share with you how things have changed in my mental health since 2007.

First, a little background. I’m an insulin dependent diabetic. In the early stages of my recovery I desperately wanted to lose weight. Desperately. So desperately that I was willing to forfeit my health for that single cause. So I misused my insulin because the less insulin the more the body relies on burning fat for energy. As a result, my blood sugars were way above the normal, desirable range and probably causing damage to my kidneys, eyes, brain, and other areas of my body. But, as I said, I wanted to desperately lose weight. That plan of action was dysfunctional to say the least, and ultimately deadly. It landed me in the medical hospital at least two times (always followed by a stay at the mental hospital). The imbalances in my blood sugars also created aggravation to my mental illness, and I would become irrational and take on risky behaviors. And I was frequently uncooperative.

So that’s the background. 2007 was smack-dap in the middle of those years. I was manipulating my insulin dosing and it was a constant battle with my husband, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my diabetes care team as they tried to get me to comply with their guidelines for caring for myself. It’s different now. I can’t remember the last time I thought about manipulating my insulin with the goal of losing weight in mind. That’s a significant milestone in my recovery.

My focus now is working towards having a healthy lifestyle. That involves careful diabetes management, increasing exercise, eating healthily, and taking my meds (the psych meds and the medical meds) as prescribed. None of those things were being taken care of in 2007.

Second, in 2007 I was just learning about certain aspects of my mental illness. I was fragmented with different aspects of my personality acting independently from the others. I have gotten to a point where I’m aware of the aspects of my emotional life and am better able to look at situations from a whole person perspective.

Third, self-harming urges and behaviors (including suicidal ideation) are much more manageable. In fact, both self-harm and suicide have become almost non-issues. Many years of looking for escapes from dealing with stressful situations in my life have influenced my thought patterns. But now, when the thoughts come (and they rarely do anymore), I can easily dismiss them and look for other ways to cope with the stressors in my life. A big part of this change happened in 2017 when I got a diagnosis of cancer. I suddenly realized that I wanted to live, that I have much to live for, and that, with my therapist’s and friends’ help, I can find other ways to cope in previously hopeless situations. I no longer need to escape my feelings or thoughts; I just work through them.

I don’t know if these changes seem significant to you or not, but to me they are huge. While there are still areas to work on including living a healthy lifestyle and unifying all aspects of my personality, I’m able to pursue those activities because I’m not looking for a way out of the struggles and I’m not distracted by them from getting to core issues. I’m rejoicing in the work God has done in my life. Maybe you can rejoice with me, too.

He Is With Us Wherever We Go

Last week in 2 Samuel 7, I touched on how God is not stuck in a temple. The other nations of the Middle East thought their gods had power limited to their nation’s boundaries. If their gods were going to go with them to battle, they would have to carry a statue with them. David made some assumptions that the same is true of his God. So David desired to build a temple to “put God in.”

God corrected David by saying He was never in a temple before and that the tabernacle did not need to be present for David and his armies to be successful in battle. It seems like David may have learned something about that. We see in 2 Samuel 8 David’s conquest of many different nations. David recognizes that God went with the armies wherever they went. At the end of verse 14 it is recorded that, “ADONAI gave victory to David wherever he went” (CJB).

I found it interesting to me, during my current emotional downturn, that David traveled far and wide from Jerusalem in his war campaigns. David’s assignment from God was to physically subjugate all the original areas of the Promised Land to rule under one king. David’s objective was to create a united kingdom ruling over all the territories God promised Israel when they came to the Promised Land. And, so God was with him and working wonders in David’s life (as seen in the Psalms David wrote) and through David’s life for the benefit of all 12 tribes of Israel.

Today my battles are different. Most are tied up in my mental illness and other issues I face on a daily basis. Whether I’m sinking into a depression with the lethargy and lack of motivation, or zooming into a mania with its irrationality and irritability, I need to take the message in this chapter to heart: God is with me wherever I go. And the victory is His just as it was in David’s battles.

I need to recognize that God has already won victory for me. It says in John 16:33 (where Jesus is talking to His disciples shortly before His arrest), “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world” (NASB). He has overcome all the problems and situations this world can throw at me, and I may have peace as a result. Dropping everything going on in my thoughts down before Jesus, I can find that peace. It takes practice, but when I’m able to get my heart and mind into trusting Jesus, peace does come.

Being Honest With God

Psalm 62:8

“Trust in Him at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us. [Selah.”

I admit it. I struggle to be totally honest with God. There are just some things I’m afraid to share with Him. I don’t think He is a vengeful God who is looking for ways to punish me, but something keeps me from sharing my deepest hurts and fears with Him. When I ask myself, “What am I afraid of?” one thought comes to mind: I’m afraid of what He might ask me to do to deal with the hurt or hang up I’m afraid to share.

However, there are three major faults in this thinking. 1. God already knows my deepest thoughts and feelings and doesn’t reject me. 2. God wants me to be completely honest with Him (pour out my heart). 3. Failure to share with God usually leads to denial of the thoughts or feelings and, as a result, I miss out on God’s peace.

In my past, I would keep a thorough and fearless journal. Most of the time, when writing in the journal, I was able to be fully honest with God. I didn’t have to share with anyone what was written in the journal, but I was able to put words on the thoughts and feelings so God could help me deal with them. Occasionally, writing everything out showed me that what I thought were BIG deals and vitally important to live life, were not as devastating as I thought. Thus I would be able to share these issues with someone who could help me sort things out. Usually, the greatest stressors in my thoughts were things that were just not true; they were lies I believed. Writing them out often showed me where my thinking was quite possibly wrong, and then I could give voice to them and someone would be able to direct me in the way of truth – mostly God’s truth versus Satan’s lies. If I keep those things secret, I cannot break free from the lies and my life will continue to be unhealthy and depressing.

My application for this week is to write in a journal every day for 5 minutes (which often leads to many minutes!) I can then pray to God being open and honest with Him, pouring out my heart and soul to Him. Then I will be able to fully understand God as my refuge and my fortress (Psalm 91:1-2).

18 Years: Acts 22

This week I celebrate 18 years of continuous sobriety. That’s a milestone for a couple fo reasons. First, it’s always a milestone to have another year under my belt. Second, the longest stretch of continuous sobriety I had before was 17 years. This comes with mixed feelings and many thoughts.

I owe a large part of this accomplishment to having a relationship with a Higher Power. My Higher Power is Jesus. I’m not ashamed of that. Another part of my success this time around has been the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, especially the experiences provided to me by the various groups and relationships I’ve been a part of. Remembering what life was like before, the situations around my getting sober, and what life has been like since getting sober mirror my salvation story to a great extent. And, that story or testimony follows a pattern long established by the apostle Paul in Acts 22.

There are three parts to Paul’s testimony as stated in Acts 22. Basically the three parts can be outlined like this:

1. Acts 22:3 – Paul’s explaining that he was born a Jew and had the best Jewish education available. His life before Christ.

2.  Acts 22:4-16 – The circumstances of his conversion and reasons why he believed he was called to preach the gospel to the Gentiles.

3.  Acts 22:17-21 – Why he went to Gentiles; vindicating his conduct among the Gentiles.

This is Paul’s salvation story: Before, how salvation came, life since.

My salvation story can follow this pattern. Salvation from sins and salvation from alcohol. Basically I was depressed and filled with total despair. I was without hope or plans for the future. I drank to avoid feeling the emotions and experiencing the thought that my life’s purpose was over. I was lonely and had no close friends. I felt separated from God and from other people. I thought there was nothing to live for and was suicidal. I first got sober (in 1978) because someone introduced me to Jesus and that relationship with Him turned my life around. At that time, I now had a relationship with another person (Jill, who shared with me about Jesus) and with Jesus (a loving, caring, helping, all-powerful God). In late 1998, another woman (Cathy) reminded me of that relationship and became a human friend. It took me until the spring to really embrace those relationships, but when I finally did, I was able to stop drinking again and start dealing with the issues plaguing my life. And since then, my relationships with God and other people have continued to develop (with the help of some therapy) and usually I can find hope in the midst of internal turmoil. I also have a sense of purpose I didn’t have before. I can be of aid to others – in their spiritual walks and/or in their recovery from alcoholism. God has used me in the past and I have a certain amount of security as I believe He will use me in the present and future.

There are many other details to the story, but the basics are all there. As I think back on some of the details, I see how God was orchestrating the events in my life to bring me back to Him and to prepare to use me to help others.

So today, as I look back, I also look forward and rejoice in the ways God can use me, if I’m open to His leading and obedient to His Word.

Positive Changes

Due to factors beyond our control, my Bible study partner and I agreed to skip a week and pick up in Acts 16 next week. So, I thought I’d just write a short piece about what I’m thankful for. Mostly, lately, it’s been a thankfulness for how I’ve changed.

I’m starting to work on my second book, a sequel to the memoir I published in 2009. So I pick up the story in late 2005 and plan on covering the next few years in my recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I’m learning some things about myself, things I haven’t noticed because the change has taken place over time. I’ve grown and I am recovering (even if it will take a lifelong treatment plan).

One thing I noticed is how, back in 2006, I was still experimenting with not being compliant in taking my medicines as prescribed by my various doctors. I would make adjustments on my own and when things started to fall apart, it would become clear to my health care providers. I would eventually admit my “experimentation, ” but it would often be too late for easy fixes and I’d find myself in the mental hospital. I wasn’t doing it as often as I did in my early recovery, but I was still doing it.

I don’t do that anymore. Just this week, I felt like the combination of sleep medicines I was taking, might be contributing to a grogginess I was feeling in the mornings. I was having trouble getting up and going in the mornings. The thought went through my mind to just take less of the meds. Instead of starting that on my own, I called my therapist, and then, at the therapist’s suggestion, I called the psychiatrist’s office. It took a day and a half of waiting, but the doctor’s office called me back and said I could reduce a med, the one I was planning on taking less of, in small increments until I was down to 1/3 of what I had been taking. However, she also cautioned to monitor my sleep to make sure I was still getting seven to nine hours each night.

That’s just one obvious change that shows that I’m growing and developing healthier coping skills. There were many other incidents in my journals and emails to my best friend from 2007 that reinforce change in my thinking and behavior. For those changes I am truly thankful to God, my sponsors, my therapist(s), and my psychiatrist(s).

Laughter

I don’t laugh enough. Not for my mental health and, according to some research, not enough for my physical health, either. According to a recent reading in Joy Breaks: 90 Devotions to Celebrate, Simplify, and Add Laughter to Your Life [Clairmont, Johnson, Meberg, Swindoll], laughter is also good for our spiritual health.

The physiological effects of laughing are similar to the physiological effects of exercise. It increases the heart rate, raises blood pressure, stretches muscles in the face and throughout the body, and causes us to breath more quickly sending oxygen to our brains. [Web MD] All those things are good for our physical health. Laughter also burns calories – not enough to give up the stationary bike, but if done enough and for lengths of time, it aids in burning calories. One study showed that laughter raised the heart rate after one minute of laughing as much as 10 minutes of aerobic exercise. I know it stretches muscles because at times (mostly in the distant past) I’ve laughed so hard and so long that the muscles in my abdomen hurt the next day.

The mental effects are readily apparent. While laughing, it is hard to be depressed or angry. The increased oxygen flow may account for the clearer thinking I seem to have after a good laugh. I have a different perspective on the happenings in my world after some belly laughs. I’m able to be more alert and attentive to others after a good laugh. I’m less tired emotionally, too. I seem to have more capacity for other people in my life. Maybe that’s a product of the good feelings I get from laughing with other people. When I’ve been in the mental hospital, the therapists would sometimes try to get us laughing or concentrating on something besides our problems. Amazingly, the problems seemed less important, at least while we were doing something else. Whatever the case, I’ve noticed a change in my mental status after laughing.

The spiritual effects of laughing are talked about in Scripture. Proverbs 17:22 talks about having a joyful heart. It says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones.” [NASB] And even Job was told, “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, And your lips with shouting.” [Job 8:22] Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there’s “A time to weep, and a time to laugh.” And, what is there to be so joyful about? “what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, that you also may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father , and with His Son Jesus Christ. And these things we write, so that our joy may be made complete.” [1 John 1:3-4] The fellowship and salvation offered to us by God is reason enough to rejoice and be happy. And laughter is a natural outpouring of great joy.

I’ve been trying to develop a “laugh lifestyle” (Marilyn Meberg) – a lifestyle that is firmly rooted in the joy of Christ. Marilyn’s prayer at the end of one devotion in the book reads as follows: “Lord Jesus, without you our laughter would quickly become hollow and meaninglessness. But you give us reason for being, you give us significance in being, and you fill our being with the awesome assurance that we have been cleansed and forgiven of all sin. Because of the cross, we have been reconciled to you for now and all eternity. Because of that truth we do indeed break forth with rejoicing and shouts of joy. Amen.” If I can keep these truths in mind, laughter will come more easily.

Permission to Feel

In my Quiet Times, I’m reading a devotional book as a jumping off place. It’s called Joy Breaks: 90 Devotions to Celebrate, Simplify, and Ad Laughter to Your Life. The various devotions are written by one of four women: Patsy Clairmont, Barbara Johnson, Marilyn Meberg, or Luci Swindoll. On Monday I read “Don’t Grin and Bear It” by Barbara Johnson.

Basically it said that there is a place for sorrow and crying in our lives. Actually, it said that humans are the only animals created that can cry. “Scientific research indicates that tears – real, wet, human tears – may be the body’s mechanism for flushing away harmful chemicals produced during stress.” (p. 16) So that tells me that God has a purpose for crying and tears, and that we should not refrain from experiencing them.

However, crying means that we feel something, something pretty intense. And feeling scares me. I’ve done many things throughout my life to avoid feeling (or at least feeling intensely). My addiction to alcohol started because of feelings and frustrations I experienced as a young person. Self-harming behaviors developed as a way to not feel the emotions I was feeling. Keeping people at arm’s length kept me from feeling emotions. Getting caught up in a good book often helped me avoid feeling the real things in my life. There are probably other ways I’ve learned to avoid my feelings, but they come so naturally to me, that I can’t even identify them.

I’m not sure why my feelings are so frightening, but after reading the devotion I realize I’m not experiencing all that God wants me to experience because I’m unwilling to allow myself the emotions that may cause tears. The devotion cited Psalm 126:5-6: “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.” God understood our humanity (after all He created us) and expects there to be tears whether due to sorrow or joy. I’m missing out on being fully human by not allowing myself to feel intense sorrow or intense joy.

The devotion also said, “Sometimes allowing yourself to cry is the scariest thing you’ll ever do. And the bravest. It takes a lot of courage to face the facts, stare loss in the face, bare your heart, and let it bleed. But it is the only way to cleanse your wounds and prepare them for healing. God will take care of the rest.” (p. 17) So maybe I’m not alone in having trouble accepting my feelings and allowing myself to feel them. It may be scary for everyone. I need to learn to deal with my feelings in productive ways, first by identifying them and letting myself feel them.

Other Changes

I’m still thinking about changes in my life in the last sixteen years. I said last week that before I wasn’t of much help to those around me. I was too busy trying to live and look good to other people. I thought I had to do and be all the right things in order to be accepted and loved. However, I had forgotten that, because of Jesus in my life, I am already accepted and loved by our heavenly Father. It’s His personality to love and have mercy on people. I had forgotten that. As a result, I was trying to please people, running myself ragged trying to be all things to all people. I appeared successful but inside I was crying and doubting and planning the next thing I needed to do in order to look good.

I still find myself falling into the thinking that says, “I have to do more” in order to look good to other people. That thinking leads me to believing that it’s me doing the good things, while in reality, it should be God working through me to do the good things. I am not saying we should stop striving to good things. I am saying that we need to be doing the good things because we are being obedient to God.

So, with the dawn of a new school year, I find myself thinking about what I could or should be doing with my time. In the past I taught school or substitute taught school. Those things filled up my days (but not necessarily my heart). I was doing them because I thought they looked good to other people. I do feel like something is missing in my life every fall without the teaching, but there are other ways to fill my time and still be useful to society.

So two weeks ago, I started volunteering at a Christian organization in my hometown. It’s called Christian Resources International (http://cribooks.org/) and they collect printed Christian materials from individuals, churches and publisher overruns and sort them. The purpose is to send these materials to people around the world that do not have access to these materials otherwise. What we take for granted – various study materials, Bibles, Christian novels, etc. – and throw out when we are no longer interested in using them, are highly valued in some countries around the world. (It’s amazing how many countries use English as one of their primary languages and can use our “discarded” materials.) I’m not doing any great theological or intellectual activity, but I’m contributing to getting God’s Word sent around the world. That’s a useful activity in my book. Where I can’t go, the materials I help sort can go and be used to bring other’s to Christ.

So, that’s a change in my life. I am being useful and helping to further God’s Word around the world. I wouldn’t have had the time or energy to do this type of volunteering while working as a teacher. I feel like I’m contributing to a bigger cause and it’s one of things I’ve scheduled into my week to provide structure and purpose.

Changes

Drunk off and on. Unable to cope without alcohol on a daily basis. Confused. Afraid. Frustrated. Unable to help others. Unable to help myself. Lonely. Depressed. Barely doing my job. Lots of conflict with other people.

That’s the way things were before recovery. Every once in a while it’s good to look back and remember how things were. It’s the “what I was like” or the “before recovery” me. There’s of course a lot more to my story than those few words above, but remembering even those feelings and some of the situations surrounding those feelings is therapeutic for me now. Especially when I feel those feelings in the here and now. And, yes. I still have those feelings from time to time.

Why remember those feelings? Mostly because they remind me that I didn’t know how to cope with those feelings. Things are different now. As I said, I still have many of those feelings (not all; I no longer think a drink will solve any problem). However, there are new ways – ways that actually work – to cope with the problems in my life. I’ve learned some things along this road to recovery. And looking back reminds me that I am no longer the same person in many ways than I was before 1999.

In the last month or so, I’ve been working on trying to put some structure into my days. I’ve learned in recovery that I’m a person who needs structure to live a good life. Without structure, I am left to thinking about things I shouldn’t think about or not thinking about the things I should be thinking about. For me, that usually leads to deepening depression. When I was first in recovery I needed someone to impose structure on my life. I needed other people to tell me what and when I should be doing something. When I would be discharged from the mental hospital, they would recommend some kind of “partial hospitalization” program for me so I would have structure in my life. Or I would have to call my AA sponsor everyday by a certain time to get my day started. I had checklists of things to get done in day, usually developed by someone else.

Now, however, I realize I’ve changed to a certain extent. I still need structure in my life, but I am capable of developing that structure without the structure having been determined for me. Don’t get me wrong. I still want help developing my weekly and daily schedules, but now I know how to get that help. And the people I go to for help usually ask me what I want to do when and then they just hold me accountable for doing it. That’s another change. In the past, schedules would be recommended for me and I’d rebel against keeping them. Now, I ask for help developing my own schedules and accept the accountability for keeping it.

That’s just one way I’ve changed. I have learned to cope with life on life’s terms as we say in AA. If I’m confused, afraid, lonely, depressed, frustrated, in conflict with other people, or struggling to do my responsibilities there’s people I can (and do) call for some help. And sometimes I just know what the next right thing to do is and I do it – without asking for help from someone else.

Thoughts on Gratitude

In a recent Quiet Time (morning devotion) I read in Micah 7:18 that God delights in showing mercy. I was able to thank God for that truth, but it also made me question myself about the things that bring me delight. So I started to assemble a gratitude list. It was easy at first but then got harder once I was past the obvious things. Some of what I came up with are listed below (along with a few new thoughts as I wrote this article).

God’s gift of salvation for me

God’s gift of salvation for my husband

God’s gift of one daughter’s recent prayer to accept Christ as her Savior

God’s gift that our other daughter has accepted Christ as her Savior

God’s gift of His Word

God’s Holy Spirit’s workings in my life

The peace we can have through Christ

The hope we have because of Christ

God’s forgiveness of my transgressions

God’s mercy toward me

Having the husband that I do

Having the children that I do

Having a specific friend for over 35 years

Having a God-believing church in my own neighborhood to attend

Having income to support us

Having children who are or will be college graduates

For my AA friends

For my AA sponsor

For my therapist who happens to be a Christian

For the adventures that come from trusting God

God’s sustenance when I’m feeling low

For the promise given to Abraham that also applies to us

For answered prayer

For the talents and skills He’s given me

That my God is an all-powerful God

That my God is an all-knowing God

That my God is an ever-present God

For the vehicles we have to drive

For the house we live in

For the computers I use to write this blog (and other things)

For Christian friends near and far

For the woman who originally shared the gospel with me

For my college degrees and education

For my illnesses that keep me humble

For wise doctors that aid in my care

For successful surgeries (hands, back, C-section, eyes)

There are many more but right now I’m done writing them down. Maybe some of the things I’m grateful for sparked some gratitude of your own. Remember to thank God each day.

No Spiritual Vacations

Going on vacation doesn’t mean we can take a vacation from our spiritual lives. We must, in order to stay sober, sane, and have right thinking, continue to observe the routines that encourage our spiritual growth. That takes some planning. It won’t happen if we don’t plan for it. I was reminded recently of a few things that will help me stay on course in my spiritual life while on vacation.

I was reminded that there are AA meetings everywhere I could possibly plan a vacation destination. I was encouraged to look up meetings in advance for the locations I will be visiting and take that information with me. Sometimes meetings are exactly what I need to get my mindset back on the things that are most important in my life. I need to be prepared to go to a meeting if it seems things are getting out of control. It will be a one-hour reprieve and probably (it usually does) get my thinking back to what God wants and desires for my life. So, I looked up meetings and I’m prepared, if I need or want them.

I was also reminded that I can’t afford to take a break from my spiritual disciplines of literature reading, Bible reading, praising God, praying for my kids, and journaling. Those items in my daily routine keep me on a spiritually level path. They can prevent me from having an unhealthy view of myself, of God, of other people. They also help me keep out of my own head – a neighborhood that I shouldn’t go into alone. I must, at the very least, take God with me when I start to think. The only way I know to do that is by doing my reading in the morning. I can’t forget my materials at home and expect to have a spiritually level and emotionally regulated vacation.

I was reminded that in this day and age of technology, I never have to be alone on my vacation. Cell phones generally operate with free long distance calling so I can call someone if I need to talk and clear my head. I can call my therapist, my sponsor, my husband, a friend in the program, or another friend. I was also reminded that there’s a feature on the cell phone called texting. I can pretty much do that anytime and in anyplace to anyone who has a cell phone.

With all these plans in place, I can go on vacation and be reasonably assured that I will not need or want a drink, have a mental meltdown, or spiral into an emotional blow up. I can and must take all my spiritual disciplines with me wherever and whenever I go. This summer is not any different. A happy vacation, with good memories, starts with planning to maintain my spiritual fitness.

Identifying Emotions

Who understands their feelings all the time? I can’t even identify my emotions more than half the time. However, I’m told that being able to do so is a good thing. So I’m trying every day to “check in” with my emotions and get a sense of how I’m feeling. I’m not sure this activity is doing me any good, but my therapist, my sponsor, and other friends tell me otherwise.

Some of you might be reading this and thinking “What’s so hard about identifying and feeling emotions?” Maybe it’s something you’ve been able to do, even encouraged to do throughout your life starting when you were a child. Some may have been taught that it’s okay to have and feel and even express your emotions. I don’t understand that. I wasn’t raised in such a home. In my childhood I was told to keep my feelings to myself. As I was growing up, I learned to avoid feeling because they usually got me in trouble. And learning ways to avoid the feelings, meant not identifying them. It also meant developing techniques for avoiding the emotions that I did have.

That led me to sneaking liquor from my parents’ cabinet. I learned that when I drank alcohol, I could escape the emotions for a time – and avoiding them for even an hour was a relief to me. That led to other “coping” mechanisms such as keeping people at arm’s length and being stoic and just sticking to the facts. Those coping mechanisms, I’ve come to learn, are not healthy. They also don’t work very well because the feelings always come back and I have to come up with another way to avoid them.

So now, as a middle-aged adult, I have to learn to accept and recognize my feelings. I’ve been told this for at least 15 years and I’ve had varying success at recognizing the emotions and being able to label them. I’ve also learned that it’s quite possible to have several emotions at the same time.

This spring I’ve been putting in extra effort (but still not consistent effort) into allowing myself to acknowledge the emotions I am experiencing. I’m trying not to ignore the many aspects of emotions I might be feeling at given points throughout each day. I use a format for doing so that I learned at the hospital during my visit there in February and March this year. It’s really basic but very hard for me to do. If my therapist wasn’t holding me accountable, I might choose to not record the emotions and even revert to avoiding the emotions.

The basic format involves finishing three statements.

I feel ___________________________

I need __________________________

I want __________________________

The hard part is coming up with the name of an actual emotion. For instance, I’m not allowed to say “I feel tired,” because “tired” is a state of being, not an emotion. The therapists in the hospital would respond with “How does being tired make you feel?” Identifying the underlying emotions is a real struggle that sometimes has me trying to identify the emotions using some general words: sad, mad, glad, or afraid. Sometimes that’s the closest I can come to identifying how I’m actually feeling.

How well do you do at identifying your emotions? Maybe this technique would help you, too. I will keep trying to use it and hopefully come to peaceful terms with my emotions.

The Past and the Present, Another Look

I’m still looking through my journals and email from Jean from 2006. April 4^th of that year found me in the mental hospital (again). During my time there, I learned several things about myself. However, what is standing out to me today is a lesson on why I end up in the hospital.

I was asked to work with the founder of the Trauma Program at the hospital (who was visiting from Texas). I did so and the summary of the session with him is below:

I have been sabotaging my recovery but my plan is to sabotage my recovery.

I’m very successful at this plan

Good news – I’m in control/successful at carrying out plan. I’m tenacious, committed, successful carrying out plan – [per my old rules] I’m a great success at making sure I fail.

Shift plan to a life plan. Modify plan and apply same energy to that plan and be successful at life.

Instead I ramp up my emotions à think how I’m a failure à think kids better without me à depression increases à ramp up emotions à husband doesn’t need me à suicide à closed negative loop

I engineer my own depression. Time to engineer a new plan.

 Much to my surprise, it’s a very similar lesson to the one I learned in March of this year when I, again, had the opportunity to work with the founder of the program (while I was once again in inpatient). One key concept that the doctor tried to get across to me was that I was choosing to be depressed. In my journal on March 12^th, 2015 I wrote what he thought. “I’m throwing a temper tantrum (digging in my heels that everything is hopeless).” I was offended because I thought (and still do) that the depression was at least partially due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. It had been three years since any med changes and things had been good for those three years.

However, there’s possibly a truth to the “digging in my heels” part. Did I again “engineer my own depression?” Did I carry out a plan that lead me back to the hospital? I still don’t know the answer to those questions; however, it is interesting to me that that possibility was brought up in therapy sessions nine years removed from each other. Whether I think that is the only reason the deep depression returned or not, there’s still a lot of work to be done based on the lessons I learned in April 2006.

I still need to work on engineering a plan for recovery and not for self-sabotage. I can see elements of self-sabotage in my behavior leading up to the hospitalization in March. Was I digging in my heels on complying with some of my therapist’s instructions (things that would make me be safe on the outside)? Was I digging in my heels on being willing to try a new med combination according to my psychiatrist’s suggestions? Was I unwilling to listen to positive messages God was giving me through His Word and other people?

I think that the answer to those questions is “to some degree” even if not entirely. It’s amazing to me to find myself in the same spot I was in nine years ago. This is a bit depressing, but it also tells me that God has not given up on teaching me the same lesson over and over again, as I may need it. He still thinks there’s a chance I can learn the lesson and grow in the areas He’s pointing out to me. So it’s something to be thankful for. And I need to consider whether I create my own depressions, at least in part, as I try to engineer new positive plans in my life.