Mindfulness

I have a life long struggle I’m going to let you in on. Mindfulness. What am I talking about when I say mindfulness? I’m talking about giving my attention to the task at hand, one at a time, not allowing distractions to get in the way of serious thought and action toward the given task. I was told recently that this is not unique to me. There’s actually an enormous amount of scholarly research on this topic. Why? Because all humans suffer from not being mindful to some extent. Some worse than others.

I have spent a lot of time in my lifetime avoiding mindfulness. Not wanting to confront problems head on, avoiding possible painful (and often pleasurable) experiences, are just two reasons mindfulness is not a skill I have readily available to me. I actually went to some extremes to remain mindless including drinking, dissociating, even day dreaming when I was supposed to be confronting a situation with my full attention.

However, I’ve been told (and am coming to believe) that mindfulness is a desirable state to be in. I’m not totally convinced yet, but I’m dabbling in trying to be more mindful to see if the quality of my life changes. The research indicates that the more mindful a person is, the greater their enjoyment of the things that make up life.

I also discovered that mindfulness is a characteristic of God. Psalm 8:4 in the Amplified Bible says, “What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of [earthborn] man that You care for him?” It’s amazing to me to realize that God does mindfulness perfectly and constantly. It’s just a fact for Him. I know how hard it is for me to remain mindful for even short periods of time, yet God does it all the time. And, what is He mindful of? Mere man. As Psalm 8:4 implies, man is not worthy of the Almighty God’s thoughts. Yet He chooses to be thinking about us and concentrating on mankind.

I feel like I can try being mindful a little more often. I’m especially thinking, “If God can be mindful of me, I can try to concentrate more and with better quality upon God.” I can spend five more minutes reading and meditating on His Word. I can spend a few more minutes in concentrated prayer. And if I can learn to do that, I can learn to be mindful in other areas of my life. So here’s to practicing mindfulness.

A New Year

So it’s the time of year where people try to make New Year’s resolutions. I never have managed to keep one resolution I ever made, so I gave up on making them several year’s ago. The grander the resolution was the more likely I was to blow it in the first week. That’s just another reason to not make resolutions.

However, there are things I’d like to change in my life. In order for me to change I need to start somewhere. I will start small and think about the changes as things I will do just for the day (one day at a time). I have to admit, I’m afraid of failing, so I’ll make the changes small and add to them if I have success.

One change I want to make in my life is to eat more healthily. That thought is overwhelming. So I’ve picked just one thing to do, something my therapist asked me to do. I’m going to journal what I eat to hold myself accountable. I’m afraid I will make the choice to not record when I eat something that is not healthy – let me pause right here and record the piece of baklava I just ate. Being honest is the beginning of making changes.

Another thing I want to do is exercise more. That seems like something a lot of people want to do. I’ve tried this before but I usually failed when my feet began to hurt (problem feet) after walking ¼ of a mile. So, I asked for an exercise bike for Christmas and got it. My plan is to pedal for a short time and build up to more. My goal is to start by exercise for two minutes to start with. That seems doable to me. Now to get the exercise bike assembled; something my husband is going to help me with on New Year’s Day in the morning (at least that is what he said).

I also want to spend more time recognizing the good things God is doing in my life. Seeing the struggles and troubles in my life comes easily to me. I often forget to recognize and give thanks for the little miracles that happen on a daily basis in my life. I read the Word almost daily, but forget to give thanks for the little gems He shows me. I pray, but forget to record answers to prayer (and there are some if I’m paying attention). So I’m going to make a prayer journal section in my journal and begin looking for the answers to my prayers. Seeing God work will encourage me as I face struggles.

So, no resolutions will be made this year. Just three small steps in the right direction. Here’s to change. Happy New Year.

Other Changes

I’m still thinking about changes in my life in the last sixteen years. I said last week that before I wasn’t of much help to those around me. I was too busy trying to live and look good to other people. I thought I had to do and be all the right things in order to be accepted and loved. However, I had forgotten that, because of Jesus in my life, I am already accepted and loved by our heavenly Father. It’s His personality to love and have mercy on people. I had forgotten that. As a result, I was trying to please people, running myself ragged trying to be all things to all people. I appeared successful but inside I was crying and doubting and planning the next thing I needed to do in order to look good.

I still find myself falling into the thinking that says, “I have to do more” in order to look good to other people. That thinking leads me to believing that it’s me doing the good things, while in reality, it should be God working through me to do the good things. I am not saying we should stop striving to good things. I am saying that we need to be doing the good things because we are being obedient to God.

So, with the dawn of a new school year, I find myself thinking about what I could or should be doing with my time. In the past I taught school or substitute taught school. Those things filled up my days (but not necessarily my heart). I was doing them because I thought they looked good to other people. I do feel like something is missing in my life every fall without the teaching, but there are other ways to fill my time and still be useful to society.

So two weeks ago, I started volunteering at a Christian organization in my hometown. It’s called Christian Resources International (http://cribooks.org/) and they collect printed Christian materials from individuals, churches and publisher overruns and sort them. The purpose is to send these materials to people around the world that do not have access to these materials otherwise. What we take for granted – various study materials, Bibles, Christian novels, etc. – and throw out when we are no longer interested in using them, are highly valued in some countries around the world. (It’s amazing how many countries use English as one of their primary languages and can use our “discarded” materials.) I’m not doing any great theological or intellectual activity, but I’m contributing to getting God’s Word sent around the world. That’s a useful activity in my book. Where I can’t go, the materials I help sort can go and be used to bring other’s to Christ.

So, that’s a change in my life. I am being useful and helping to further God’s Word around the world. I wouldn’t have had the time or energy to do this type of volunteering while working as a teacher. I feel like I’m contributing to a bigger cause and it’s one of things I’ve scheduled into my week to provide structure and purpose.

Status of Commitment

I’m still afraid to make the commitment for a long period of time. It’s been suggested to me that I make it for one day at a time, like I did for stopping drinking. Also like stopping drinking, that doesn’t mean the thoughts to drink (or kill myself) won’t come up from time to time. It just means I don’t act on those thoughts and purposefully turn my thoughts to something else. I will see how this works one day at a time. Then maybe I will develop the confidence and courage to make the commitment for a longer period of time.

So as a reminder to me, I’m reprinting the commitment statement I posted last week:

“He has by his own action given us everything that is necessary for living the truly good life, in allowing us to know the one who has called us to him, through his own glorious goodness.”

If I believe God’s Word, then I have to believe that He’s given me everything I need to live a good life even when my life doesn’t seem so good. With this in mind, I will dismiss thoughts of suicide, reminding myself that it is not an option. To support this commitment, I will write one truthful statement from the Word of God in my journal each time the thoughts occur.

Suicidal thinking includes thoughts about losing weight in inappropriate, unhealthy, life-threatening ways including mismanaging my insulin dosing.

I am making this commitment because God has promised me a good life and I need to wait to see what He will bring about without taking things into my own hands. I am making this commitment to those who love and need me, especially not wanting to hurt or “damage” them.

1.     All my parts (including adult). I will work to break the cycle of abuse from my parents with my inner child as I have done with my physical children.

2.     My immediate family

3.     Best friend

4.     Bible study partner

5.     Recovery friends: Therapist, AA

6.     My siblings

7.     Current and future fans of my book(s)

On my commitment statement I will share with my therapist, I have a signature line and a date line. On Wednesday, in her presence, I will commit to thinking suicide is not an option a day at a time and sign and date on the lines.

Commitment

It’s time to make a new commitment to life. I’m not sure I’m ready to do it but I wrote up a commitment statement I might be able to commit to. The focus this time is on hanging around to see the good life God promised He would give me (based on 2 Peter 1:3, quoted below from the Phillips version of the New Testament).

“He has by his own action given us everything that is necessary for living the truly good life, in allowing us to know the one who has called us to him, through his own glorious goodness.”

If I believe God’s Word, then I have to believe that He’s given me everything I need to live a good life even when my life doesn’t seem so good. With this in mind, I will dismiss thoughts of suicide, reminding myself that it is not an option. To support this commitment, I will write one truthful statement from the Word of God in my journal, or otherwise bring to mind, each time the thoughts occur.

Suicidal thinking includes thoughts about losing weight in inappropriate, unhealthy, life-threatening ways including mismanaging my insulin dosing.

I am making this commitment because God has promised me a good life and I need to wait to see what He will bring about without taking things into my own hands. I am making this commitment to those who love and need me, especially not wanting to hurt or “damage” them.

1.     All my parts (including adult). I will work to break the cycle of abuse from my parents with my inner child as I have done with my physical children.

2.     My immediate family

3.     Best friend

4.     Bible study partner

5.     Recovery friends: Therapist, AA

6.     My siblings

7.     Current and future fans of my book(s)

So what do you think? Is this a doable commitment? I am praying about making this my commitment. Maybe, with God’s help, I can keep this commitment because it seems like the right thing to do.

A Godly Leader

I’m still gleaning tidbits of wisdom from the Proverbs. This week I read Proverbs 16:10 – 15. In The Message, those verses talk about some characteristics of godly leaders:

¹⁰ A good leader motivates,
    doesn’t mislead, doesn’t exploit.

¹¹ God cares about honesty in the workplace;
    your business is his business.

¹² Good leaders abhor wrongdoing of all kinds;
    sound leadership has a moral foundation.

¹³ Good leaders cultivate honest speech;
    they love advisors who tell them the truth.

¹⁴ An intemperate leader wreaks havoc in lives;
    you’re smart to stay clear of someone like that.

¹⁵ Good-tempered leaders invigorate lives;
    they’re like spring rain and sunshine.

I noticed that a couple of the verses talk about leaders being people who motivate (vs. 10) and invigorate (vs. 15) others. I want to be that kind of leader, but I fall short in many ways. I don’t think I mislead or exploit others but I don’t think I’m very good at motivating them either.

There are things about being a good leader that I do try to follow. For instance, in verse 11, it talks about being honest in the workplace. I try to be honest in all my dealings with people, whether it’s in the workplace or in my private life. I also like to think that I abhor wrongdoing of all kinds and that I live based on a moral foundation. I also like to think that I speak with honesty. I’m not sure how that translates to cultivating honest speech from others. I guess by my example of honest speech it might cultivate honest speech by others.

I like the warning in verse 14 about staying clear of intemperate leaders, those who wreak havoc in the lives of others. I’ve known some leaders like that, I do my best to avoid their presence as much as possible. Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid such leaders. I’ve encountered them in the workplace and in those situations I try to do what they indicate should be done, without compromising my own personal integrity. It’s a fine line sometimes.

Mostly this passage of Scripture led me to pray about being a good leader, a God-tempered leader, that is like a spring rain and sunshine to those under my authority or guidance. I’m more aware of what it means to be a godly leader now that I’ve read this Proverb. With God’s help I can, hopefully, be the kind of leader He wants me to be.

New Year's Resolutions

I’ve been trying to come up with a couple of New Year’s Resolutions. Some things that will inspire me to live a better life this coming year than the year that just ended. I have not really come up with anything. I see the posts others have made to their Facebook pages or to their blogs and I think, “I should come up with some clever words to inspire myself and others to a better year.” But, I don’t have anything new that I want to accomplish this year.

I’m not big on making New Year Resolutions because I’m not confident I will keep them – especially not for a whole year. So, today, as I contemplate a new year, I think of what has worked in the past to bring joy, thankfulness, and gladness to my life. These are the things I want to continue to do in 2014. They are resolutions in the sense that I am resolving to do them. They are not new resolutions however, because I’ve been doing them all along, throughout my life.

Of first importance is meeting with God daily, or at least almost daily. Each day I spend a little time in the Word of God, in prayer, and in praising is a successful day. Even if nothing else gets done in a day, if I’ve done those three things, I’ve had a successful day. From past experience I know that my mindset and mood is better on days I meet with God. I am not saying that there still aren’t hard days with low moods. There are, but what would my mood be like if I hadn’t met with God? On those days I fail to read the Word or praise or pray, I feel like something was missing from my life. Just to feel like I’m on the right track is enough reason to meet with God daily.

Next in importance is keeping up on my connection with beloved friends and family. I do that regularly in several ways. First, I try to write a daily email to my best friend. Although she lives in Minnesota and we are separated by geographical distance, we can be in contact on a daily basis through the power of the internet. In the past, which seems so very long ago, it would take days to communicate with her via the U.S. Postal Service. With technology via email, we can have daily contact to encourage each other and hold each other accountable to doing the things that keep us close to God. I will continue to do that sharing from my times in the Word of God and sharing my prayers, hopes, and dreams.

I also need to maintain contact with other friends and family. Again the internet is a powerful tool for doing this. I can message people on Facebook and/or keep up on the happenings in others’ lives via their Facebook posts. I need that regular contact with friends around the world. Thinking about others and their needs and prayer requests keeps me focused on others instead of just on my own problems and hang ups. That is important for me as I try to keep perspective in a world that can be so depressing. And, I see God answering prayer as I pray for those friends and family. That brings me a peaceful encouragement that I’m not sure I can get any other way.

I also need to do the things that are necessary for my sobriety. This includes the face to face contact with others who share my resolve to stay sober and happy. So, this next year I will continue to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and Celebrate Recovery meetings. These meetings give me perspective. This also means continuing to see my therapist on a weekly basis. Sometimes I think it’s not doing any good, but then what would my life be like without the weekly reminder to keep working at the things that bring me stability in my life? I do need the reminders to keep doing the things that give me perspective on a messy life.

So, for 2014 I will keep doing the things that I’ve been striving to do throughout 2013. Maybe I will do some of them a little better than I did last year, maybe not. Having the goals to keep at them are important. Even as they are not new goals or resolutions, they are things that can bring about a changed life when 2014 is over.

Praise Throughout the Day

Psalm 119:164 says, “Seven times a day I praise You, Because of Your righteous ordinances.” [NASB] This is found near the end of a psalm written to tell us to value God’s Word. We don’t know who is the author(s) of this psalm but whoever it is was going to praise God seven times a day. I think that’s a good example for us to follow.

I’ve been writing blog articles about various attributes of God for which we can praise Him. I’ve written about twelve different attributes of God. If we were to focus on just one of those attributes in each of seven times of praise throughout a given day, we would have a new perspective on life. As I read Psalm 119:164 in my devotional time this morning, I was challenged to praise God seven times throughout the day. (I have already failed to do that when I planned to do it.) Why is it so hard to follow through on something as simple as praising God?

So, I paused in my writing of this article to think about and say out loud one attribute I praise God for: His power, His almighty power. And, I feel stronger already just because I know I have an all-powerful God who is working in my life. Now I just need to remember to praise Him four more times today. This is the least I can do for the God who is deserving of praise all day long, every day.

I found the number seven comes up a lot in Scripture. The priests were to sprinkle blood and oil seven times on the altar of the Lord (Leviticus 14). There was to be seven Sabbath of years to mark out the year of Jubilee (Leviticus 25:8). The Israelites marched around Jericho for seven days and on the last day, marched around Jericho seven times (Joshua 6:4). A man is cleansed after washing himself seven times in the Jordan River (2 Kings 5). Future prophecies speak of the sun being seven times brighter than it currently is (Isaiah 30:26). The furnace was heated seven times hotter than usual for Daniel’s friends (Daniel 3:19). And we are to forgive others seventy times seven times (Matthew 18:22).

I’m not sure why the number seven is so important in Scripture. However, I realize that praising God seven times throughout the day was important to the writer(s) of Psalm 119, so it is a good example for me to follow. So I am going to try to do that for today, and for tomorrow, and for the day after that. One day at a time. Even seven times a day is not enough for God deserves me to be in constant praise.

Peacefulness

Is peacefulness an emotion? If it is, it is definitely a positive one. I sometimes think of peacefulness as a state of mind as in “peace of mind.” One definition of peace of mind is having mental freedom. That’s a state of mind in my opinion, but having that as a state of mind can lend itself to be emotionally freeing from the consequences of anguish or agitation.

Another aspect of peacefulness is being calm. Calmness is an emotion in many ways. It’s being tranquil and serene and at peace with the world around me. When I think of the opposite of calm, I think of agitation and unrest. Chaos comes to mind, too. When my thoughts are chaotic I definitely feel not at peace, not calm. So if being agitated is an emotion, peacefulness can also be an emotion.

I’m not used to thinking of peacefulness as an emotion. I want it to be something that just is . . . an objective, non-emotional type of thing, kind of a state of mind type of thing. If I can keep it in my head it seems less scary for some reason. But, peacefulness should not be scary. Maybe I’m just afraid that if it’s an emotion I will never feel it but if it’s a state of mind I can will myself to think it into being.

Another way of looking at peacefulness is serenity. Serenity is defined as calmness, peacefulness, but it means something deeper to me. Serenity has a sense to it that all is ultimately right in the world. For me serenity comes when I focus on God and knowing that He is ultimately in control of everything in the world. I have fleeting moments of that in my life . . . but they are fleeting.

The whole idea of peacefulness is baffling to me. I think I tend to feel more contentment than I do peacefulness. Maybe that’s because there always seems to be something I can be worrying about. When I’m worrying, I’m not experience peacefulness. Worrying goes along with the chaos, unrest and agitation. And, I worry a lot. So peacefulness is not an emotion I’m easily able to feel and as a result it is hard to identify it when, or if, it happens in my life.

Contentedness

Another positive emotion, a good feeling emotion is contentedness, the state of being contented. One definition of this is being satisfied or showing satisfaction with things as they are. Another definition said it’s being satisfied with your situation in life.

I have a hard time with this emotion. It’s not that I’m discontent or dissatisfied with life. It’s more that life as it is, is not all that I want it to be. I want more. It reminds me of the AT&T commercial on television with the little girl saying that having less is not fun because “we want more, we want more.” I want more. More is illusive; I’m not sure what I want more of. I generally have an uneasy feeling that if this is all there is I’m missing out on something else.

One alternative meaning for contentment is complacency. I guess I don’t want to be complacent and accepting that things are the way they are, and they won’t get any better. However, I don’t think contentedness has to mean complacency either. It can mean being satisfied, for now, with the way things are. Maybe it is something that’s temporary and it’s meant to be. I guess the key word in all of this is satisfaction. It means having a job or a situation be as good as it can get for the time being. It doesn’t mean having to stay in the same place all the time. Change is possible and often good, and can lead to a new place of contentedness.

Another way of looking at contentedness is thinking of it in terms of gratification. For instance, doing a job well can lead to gratification for the effort and results of the project completed. In a sense it’s saying it’s good enough for now. It’s saying it’s a job well done and good enough until next time when I can do something again or different and better.

I feel like I don’t really experience much contentedness the way I’ve described it here, but when I’m journaling my emotions, I often put content. Maybe I’m more satisfied with my life situation than I think I am. Maybe the emotion of contentedness is present but fleeting. Maybe I need to think about it more when I write it down. Maybe I should ask myself if that is what I’m really feeling.

Happiness

Sometimes emotions are hard to figure out. Good feeling emotions are often hard to identify. I was asked if I take them for granted. I don’t think I do, but I do have trouble identifying them. So I’m looking into some of those this week and trying to come up with words that describe the various good feelings a person can have.

Happy is obvious. But what does happy mean? I looked up happy in a thesaurus to see if I could get a better idea of what happy means. Some of the words were helpful but others were not. For instance, is feeling blessed the same thing as feeling happy? I don’t think so. I think feeling blessed goes along with being joyful, the sense that all is right in the world even if everything seems to be falling down around me. Blessed is more than happy. Ecstatic could have its roots in happiness but I think it goes beyond mere happiness to something bigger. So ecstatic might be too much to just be labeled happiness.

However, cheerful seems to fit with happiness a little better. Cheerful, in my view, means to feel happiness in a way that shows on your face and in your actions. Cheerful means being of a jolly disposition like something funny could happen at any moment. Cheerfulness is being good natured and easy to get along with. That’s also true when I am happy. I am easier to get along with.

Another word that happy brings to mind is light. Happiness is light compared to the heaviness of sadness. Happiness makes me feel light and like I’m walking on air. Everything is soft and easy when I’m happy. Everything seems sunny when happiness is present. So light can mean the weight of happiness and the brightness of happiness at the same time. Other words the thesaurus mentioned were peppy, perky, and playful. I can see feeling those things when I’m happy. When happy I have more energy and am more alert. Those things are associated with peppy and perky. It’s certainly easier to want to play when I’m happy.

So now I have a sense of what it’s like to be happy. Maybe I do take it for granted a little bit and forget to notice happiness. Maybe by writing out some of these ideas I will be more aware of happy feelings when I’m having them. Maybe I’ll notice when I’m happy more of the time. We shall see if that happens.

Other good feelings I’m going to explore this week include contentedness, joy, peacefulness, excitement, thankfulness, confidence, and hope. Maybe I’ll write a series of articles about each of those things.

Intricate Patterns

This week is Spring Break around our house. It doesn’t feel like spring outside. It’s still only in the 40’s, but the sun is shining and that makes it look like spring. Usually, we would do something special during this week like take a trip. With it being so early in the spring this year, and the weather not cooperating, we decided to stay home. Instead we are doing some day trips and otherwise keeping to our regular schedule.

On Tuesday we went to the new art museum at Michigan State University. That was interesting. Most of the art is of the modern variety. I especially liked the exhibit called Patterns. The artwork in this exhibit included designs made with string or fish wire pulled across pins. Several were done using only straight lines of wire pulled between pins organized in circles. The resulting patterns made the overall pictures into circles. It also appeared to create texture due to the resulting shadows. Pretty amazing.

As I think about the straight lines creating a circular pattern, I see my life that way, too. As I’m busy going from point A to point B, my life can seem kind of boring and straight. However, the resulting pattern others may see may actually be of curves and circles, not nearly as boring as the pattern I see before me. Sometimes things are not as we see them. Sometimes, doing the little things in our lives that seem boring or straight really yields a beautiful piece of artwork, a complicated mosaic on display for others to see.

That’s how I want my life to be. I want to do the basic, simple things each day but produce great masterpieces of a life well lived. Maybe that’s what my life actually is. Me doing the simple things that turn into something beautiful as the simple patterns are repeated over and over again. That’s how I see other people’s lives. They do the simple things and I see the intricately woven patterns of their lives, beautiful pictures made up of the ordinary actions of each day. Each life is turned into a masterpiece as intricate as those fish wire designs in the museum.

Wave Offering

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I’m studying the Feast of First Fruits this week in my Bible Study time. One of the key elements of this feast celebration was the Wave Offering where the priests would wave a sheaf of barley before the Lord so the Lord would accept it. The primary purpose of the offering was so the Israelites would outwardly acknowledge that everything they have, explicitly the harvest in this case, came from God. They waved the offering before God as a way of saying, “This is Yours to do with as You see fit.”

In a way, God asks us to offer a Wave Offering every day. He wants us to wake up in the morning and say, “Here’s my day. It is Yours to do with as You see fit.” Many days, I fail to do that and on those days, I often feel like I failed to accomplish much of importance. On the other hand, on days when I do wake up and give the whole day and all of me to God, it might be an ordinary day of laundry, dishes, Bible Study preparation, and whatever, but it feels different. It feels fulfilling. It feels like I accomplished something.

On a bigger scale, when I give my whole life over to God for Him to do what He wants, I also feel a sense of accomplishment. For instance, some days I write a blog article without really praying about it much or giving it to God. The blog still might be good, entertaining, challenging, or have some benefit for a reader. However, I don’t feel as satisfied. So I try to make it a point to pray before I write a blog entry. It may not accomplish any more than on the days I don’t pray, but it gives me the satisfaction that I did my best for God, that I offered Him my writing skills and He was able to use it to fulfill His purposes.

It’s like Moses offering up his staff for God when God asked him to throw it down on the ground and it became a serpent. This was a type of Wave Offering also. Moses did what God asked. And when asked to Moses also followed God’s command to reach out and pick the staff up again. Back in Moses’ hand, the serpent became the “rod of God.” It was able to accomplish many fine purposes for God from parting the Red Sea to getting water from a rock in the wilderness. Moses offered it up and God was able to use it to accomplish His great purposes.

So today, and each day I write, whether it’s for a blog article or a book, I offer up my writing skills to God for Him to use to fulfill His purposes. I pray that this blog meets a need and that God can use it to fulfill His purposes. I make my Wave Offering today.

People Pleasing and Honesty

It was brought to my attention today that sometimes I worry too much about other people’s feelings. Call me a people pleaser if you will, I don’t want to say or do things that might make other people upset. While this can be a good thing in some ways, in other ways it means I allow myself to be hurt.

For instance, today as therapy was winding down, I let the time slip away and the session went on for too long. I wanted to get out of there to make it to my AA meeting in a timely fashion. I’m usually late to my meeting and I go in each time 10 – 15 minutes late and apologize for being late. Every week. Why? Because I’m too afraid of offending my therapist to say, “Time’s up. I need to leave.” I’m worried about hurting her feelings.

I realized today that if I want to be an honest person and hold fast to my values that I need to speak up when necessary. The funny thing is that by telling my therapist time is up, I’m actually not likely to offend her. It’s actually doing her a favor by helping her keep on time. And, it serves my purpose of getting to my meeting on time. So, today I spoke up, felt guilty, went to my meeting late, and heard an awesome message reminding me that if I’m going to be honest about my feelings, I need to speak up about them.

This is not the only example of when I need to speak up and share from my feelings. Sometimes I worry too much about what others might think if I stated my opinion. I find I often do this with my husband. The man loves me and there’s very little in the way of my opinions that I can speak up about where he will become mad or offended. Yet I worry about it way too often.

I’m not saying I need to say everything that comes to my mind, but much of what I have to say would not offend or harm anyone. I’m just afraid to say anything. So, today, in this post, I’m saying I should not be so afraid of speaking my mind or my opinion. I can even say things that might be hard for other people to hear, if I say them with genuine love and concern. I can definitely state my opinion about many things without being afraid. I need to get over being afraid of saying what I think and feel. Today I grew in my awareness of my people pleasing tendencies and now I can take steps to be more honest with the people in my life.

Healthy Distractions

I’ve been dealing with some physical illness as of late, mostly unexplained nausea and stomach upset. I’ve taken the necessary steps to try to deal with the illness by seeing doctors and getting tests run and scheduled. The problem is it takes a long time for some of the tests to get done. I’m waiting right now for a test that won’t get done until mid March. That’s a long time away yet to deal with nausea on an almost daily basis.

So, how does someone cope with physical illness over a long period of time? I’m sure there are many who have dealt with this in their lives, but I have a few tricks I’ve been learning. I call them my distractions. They are good, worthwhile, distractions and allow me to live beyond the symptoms for short periods of time. Being able to do that is probably helping me keep my sanity.

One thing I recently discovered is covering one physical discomfort with another physical discomfort – but one that is good for me. So I’ve recently started using the treadmill that has been collecting dust in our family room. Exercise is good for me in so many ways. Even though I’m not walking miles and miles or for long periods of time, the actual motion keeps me distracted from the other ailments long enough to get in some exercise. I’ve found I can easily walk for 15 minutes and during that 15 minutes I don’t notice the nausea because I’m noticing the movement of the treadmill and the movement of my legs more so. That’s a healthy distraction.

Also, I’ve noticed that writing helps me distract from the way I’m feeling physically. Sometimes it’s as deep as a chat on Facebook – not really very deep. But sometimes it’s writing a longer piece like this blog that keeps me focused on something besides the physical pain. Even though I’m indirectly writing about the pain, the actual act of writing causes me to think about the mechanics and grammar of writing and the physical pain becomes less noticeable. Whether I’m writing an email, a journal entry, a chat, or my blog, writing is a worthwhile distraction.

Artwork is another way I distract. Whether it’s doodling or drawing something concrete and realistic, drawing distracts from the physical pain I might be experiencing. Sometimes I just sketch in black and white but more often I use colors to brighten the page, which in turn brightens my mood. I like drawing colorful outdoor scenes for instance. One of my favorites recently is on the top of this post. Cardinals on a winter’s morning give a splash of red in an otherwise dreary day. That’s what doing artwork does for my physical ailments. It gives a distraction to the dreary day.

Prayer is another way I distract. Focusing on the needs of others by praying for them gets the focus off of me. When I’m not focusing on me, I’m less likely to be caught up in the pain or discomfort I’m experiencing. On top of the relief it brings me, prayer is useful. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much (James 5:16). So I try to be an effective woman and pray. That’s a great distraction for me and can be a help to many others.

Do you have ways you distract from physical pain or discomfort? What are some of those? Leave a comment and share so we might all give them a try next time we need a healthy distraction.

Decision 2012

In December 2010 and January 2011, I wrote a couple of articles about thriving vs. surviving. (See 12-26-10 and 1-2-11 posts) When December 2011 came around I did not renew those decisions and the consequences have been a year of inner turmoil and anguish.

Today I announce that I’m going to remake the decision and see if the rest of my life will be better for me emotionally and mentally. There’s already a sense of relief knowing that I won’t have to deal with thoughts of self-harm on a regular basis. For now, and for once for all, such behaviors are not options for me. This includes suicidal ideation. That has been the hardest behavior to put aside because it has been the alternate plan, the ultimate back up plan, for many, many years.

In coming to this decision, I came across 1 Peter 1:3 – 5 in The Message. It says, “What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have Him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven – and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all – life healed and whole.”

I’m counting on the part that says we “have everything to live for . . . and the future starts now!” I’ve decided to memorize this passage from The Message to remind myself daily that there is life worth living and it starts today. I’ve decided that life is an adventure with both good and bad stressors coming at us daily, but the adventure is worth living if we have God at the center of it. I can trust Him. I just have to decide to do so. Daily. Minute by minute. Sometimes second by second. But ultimately we will have it all – life healed and whole, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I can wait for that to happen in God’s timing and not have an ultimate back up plan or escape plan. I may only be planning to escape before I see the miracle happen.

I choose to wait for the miracle.

First Day of School

Tuesday, September 4^th. The first day of the 2012 – 2013 school year. I did what I’ve done every year for the past 5 – 6 years. I volunteered in the Junior High School’s office. There are always the extra things to do that the secretaries do not have enough hands to do. It’s a good way for me to start the school year out. It establishes a pattern, a routine, for my days.

The first thing in that pattern is to get up. Yes. Get up. It is too easy to tell myself to stay out of my husband’s way as he gets ready to go to work, and then just fall back to sleep until whenever – usually 9 a.m. when I should already be up, dressed, have gone for a walk, eaten breakfast, and be sitting down to read my daily readings. When I get up, and stay up, I get so much more done in a day and feel so much better about myself. That feeling should be enough to get me up every morning, but sometimes it isn’t.

This year was a bonus year. I showed up to help the secretaries and ended up substitute teaching for the day. I never expected them to need a sub on the first day of school. But they did, and there I was, already at school and ready to go. So, that really started my school year off on a good note. It is good for me to jump in and sub as soon as I can. When I wade in, taking a job here or there, I don’t really get into the habit of getting up. I don’t get into the habit of starting my days with productive things. So, working all day prevented me from going home and getting stuck in front of the television, accomplishing little, if anything, the rest of the day.

However, working all day also means I didn’t get done some of the stuff I normally do on Tuesdays, like write my blog articles. But, in the end, I still got this one written so all is good.

Remodeling

My son is off to graduate school this fall. He will be taking his bed and desk with him to his apartment. As a part of this transition, I am remodeling his bedroom into my office or study. I need a place to go and write. I used to go to the local coffee shop, but it closed and left me without a place to go. Since then it has been hard to schedule daily time to write because there are too many distractions around the various places in the house. Even now, as I write this, my daughter has the television on. She’s not watching anything I’d be interested in watching but it is a distraction from fully concentrating on what I’m writing. It will take me extra time to complete this article.

So I’ve begun dreaming about my study. What color will I paint it? What inspirational saying or Scripture verse can I put on the wall? What furniture do I need? What furniture do I want? What lighting do I want besides the overhead light fixture? When will I start the transformation? Will I keep my son’s bookshelf or move it downstairs? Will I ask for or accept offered help? Will I do it all by myself so it feels like my space?

It will be hard to paint over the decoration my son chose when he was about 8 (blue paint with a border of maps, topped by sponge painted blue walls that look like clouds). In a way it will be like erasing his childhood as I draw a new post-childhood picture for my life. His room will be transformed as my parenting role also changes.

The remodeling could also be symbolic of the changes I need to make inside of myself. The way I think and the things I believe about myself need some overhauling right now. It’s time for some fresh self-reflection and perspective. The despair and doubt I presently view myself with is dysfunctional. A fresh perspective with hope and confidence could give me a brighter view of my future; possibly a future where I accomplish the things I want to do and help people like I want.

Now to decide on a color scheme, a desk, and a chair; the remodeling can then begin inside and out.

Aftermath Time

The aftermath of a big party is almost as hard to deal with as the getting ready for. For weeks the party is in the back of your mind. Then nothing. Sure there’s lots I can be doing, but nothing is urgent. The lack of urgency makes me think I have all the time in the world, so I procrastinate.

That’s how I was when I was in college. The busier I was the more I got done. It seemed like there was always the next project, book, activity to do, so I didn’t procrastinate because procrastinating meant missing out on something to do. Looking back now, it seems like there were more hours in the day back then.

Even when on break from school terms, there seemed like there was always something I wanted to do that couldn’t get done when there were papers to write, and textbooks to read. But I also remember feeling a sort of let down, a sense that there was something I should be doing but was not. Work, during the summer months, filled much of that time. However, there was still time left without homework to fill.

Now that the open house for my daughter is over, I can do whatever I want. But, I am finding there is little to fill the time with. I remember thinking that someday I would be the master of my own time and activity like it was a good thing. Now I am the master of my time, and I struggle to find activity to fill it. I used to think there would never be enough time in the day to fit everything in. Now I find I have too much time on my hands – or too few ideas about what to do.

I’m not sure why it bothers me to have enough time to do whatever I want to do. Maybe because it feels unfamiliar. Maybe because I’m so used to having someone telling me what to do. Maybe it means I need to start a list of stuff to do for these open times. Maybe I just need to learn to relax and savor the freedom of the aftermath.

Still Struggling for Sleep

It's hard to think of anything to write about when I've been without quality or quantity sleep in over three weeks. So this week I'm taking the week off. I hope with the help of my psychiatrist that we have the right combination of medicines to sleep tonight, and henceforth. Just like last week, I need to be willing to do whatever it takes to avoid missing things. Whether it's helping my sister with her garage sale this weekend or my daughter's high school graduation open house in four weeks, I don't want to miss anything.

So I will follow the suggestions of my doctor and pray this works out. I know I need the sleep even if I don't feel like I'm tired. Not being able to think of anything to write about is proof enough that I need sleep.