Burnout

Pastors need sabbaticals. Not necessarily to recover from burnout, but to prevent burnout. They work long weeks, often interrupted by “emergencies.” There are few professional jobs that require the same amount of commitment, flexibility, and people time as those involved in full time ministry. Along with extended sabbaticals, pastors and missionaries need regular time off to connect with family and God in different ways than the usual.

Elijah needed such a time out. He was burnt out on trying to get the northern tribes comprising Israel to repent and return to the worship of Jehoveh God. While much of his burnout was the result of trying to do things on his own, without God’s direct commands, the result was the same as many who are obedient to God: lots of effort, little hoped for results.

Elijah experienced depression, despondency, exhaustion, fear, and doubts. He was no longer sure of his role and mission that Jehoveh had planned for him. I’ve experienced all those emotions along with a lot of questions about my self-worth, purpose, and even, why I am even alive. I believe those feelings are the natural outcome of getting our eyes off God and His plans for us.

God measures success differently than we do. Our success or failure is not based on achieving tremendous outcomes. Success in God’s eyes is not about getting a promotion at work. Success according to God is not the act of accepting Christ as our Lord and Savior (although that’s the beginning). God measures our success by how obedient we are.

In some ways, Elijah was as unsuccessful as he thought he was. This is because he attempted to correct the Israelites apart from God’s plans. As much as I thought that Elijah was a great man of God, I was taken aback by a deeper study of the Scriptures. In 1 Kings 17:1 (CJB) it says,

Eliyahu [Elijah] from Tishbe, an inhabitant of Gil‘ad, said to Ach’av [Ahab], “As Adonai the God of Isra’el lives, before whom I stand, there will be neither rain nor dew in the years ahead unless I say so.”

This is a vow Eliyahu (Elijah) made to Ach’av (Ahab) the king of Israel. Notice Elijah says that there will be no rain or dew unless he says so. There is no record of God sending Elijah to the king to tell him this. Elijah did it on his own. God did give powerful gifts to Elijah – to use as He instructed – but Elijah took things into his own hands and decided what needed to be done. (Don’t we often do the same with our gifts and talents? Every Christian has been given spiritual gifts but I know I have at times used my gifts for my own glory or to seek worldly success.)

Elijah was trying to reshape Israel back into a kingdom that worshiped the God Almighty. He thought his wrath and attacks would do that. He thought that creating a drought and famine would get the people to recognize the one true God. Yet that’s not God’s way. If Elijah was in tune with God, and had been obedient, the efforts to turn Israel back to God would’ve coincided with God’s character. God’s plan has always been to change people’s course by showing mercy. Elijah missed that point.

So Elijah’s lack of success, his lack of obedience to God, and his working so hard and in dangerous situations, led to his burnout. We need to be praying for our pastors and missionaries (and anyone else in full time ministry for God’s sake). We need to pray they would know when to take time off. We also need to pray and work towards our individual churches knowing the importance of time off for our pastors and full time workers in ministry. And we need to give them, and not grudgingly, the time they need.

Dreams

The color was the deepest blue. The rays coming through the clouds dazzled my eyes. I was anticipating a great day. My life long companion was keeping step with me as we leisurely strolled through the crowd. Some were waiting in line and some were sitting and eating lunch. I couldn’t decide what to do first.

Out of nowhere, the sky became darkened and the clouds bunched together. They were ominous and my visions of a beautiful day rapidly dissolved. I instinctively turned to ask my husband what we should do, but he wasn’t there. Was this the beginning of a horror story? Looked around and everything was swirling around me. My feet lifted and set down but I did not know where to go or how to get there. Sheets of water were pummeling me so I took the first shelter I could find: a house of mirrors. I was swallowed up by the hallways, and when I turned around the entrance was no longer in my sight. There was screaming. Or was it in my head? My heart was galloping away within me. I tried to ask for help, but no one even turned to me when I tried to speak.

Then I was alone, running, ever running through the maze of mirrors, colliding headlong into panes of the silvery glass. My own reflection terrorized me; I thought it was a monster. After what seemed like hours, days, months I fell and was shaking. It was hopeless. I was trapped, alone. I reached for my purse with my diabetes supplies. It wasn’t there. In fact, I had no bag of any kind.

Where was my husband? Where was my protector? I withdrew inside myself; I don’t know how much time passed. Two men were grabbing me, forcing me to stand. I cried out for my companion, but he was not there. They forced me outside the maze then set me free. I was standing on hot black asphalt – an empty parking lot. I started running and screaming. I just knew my blood sugars were dropping with every step but I didn’t know what else to do. No money, no food, no credit card, no diabetes kit, and no phone. My face was wet, but it wasn’t raining anymore.

I sat up and heaved a sigh. Where was my husband? Lying beside me. I should’ve felt safe but didn’t.

That was a recurring dream I had often for many years. Sometimes in the dream (or should I call it a nightmare?) I would run helter-skelter through a shopping mall or a mountain resort looking for my husband. I felt that he had left me and didn’t care what happened to me. I was tormented by the thought, even once I was awake.

In talking with my therapist about these dreams, I came to realize that they were reflecting my thoughts and feelings about the world. I felt alone. I felt there was no one willing to help me. These dreams happened during the time I was struggling the most with my bipolar disorder and was convinced that nobody was going to stay by me or cared what happened to me.

I cannot remember having such a dream in a few years. My waking hours are crowded with people who care about me and are here to help me. And, I accept that love and concern. I’m thinking, as my recovery is ongoing, I have become less afraid of people leaving me. I’m especially more confident that my husband would not only never leave me, but he won’t leave me even for a short while without making sure I have what I need to survive (mentally and physically) while he’s gone. I am also more confident in myself and generally can appropriately take care of myself.

God created us to have dreams to tell us something. In Genesis 40, God gave the king’s deposed cupbearer and baker dreams. They also needed help to “interpret” them. Joseph enters the scene and gives them both an interpretation. My dreams, hopefully, do not reflect a future for me as the cupbearer’s and baker’s did, but enlighten my past and my present. And sometimes they are just bizarre things my mind comes up with during sleep. 

Feeling Blue

We all have days like this. Disappointments. Frustrations. Everything is running late. Hopelessness. And more frustrations. That’s the kind of week I’ve had, so I’m having trouble determining something to say for my blog article.

To remind myself, and maybe giving you ideas, I’m going to compile a list of the ways I think and the activities I do to keep my balance during such days.

·      Praise God and recognize that His will shall be done.

·      Pray according to Philippians 4:6-7. Lay down my anxiety, present my requests to God, and enjoy His incomprehensible peace.

·      Contact a friend for a spiritual conversation that will remind me that God is in charge.

·      Dive into God’s Word. I do that in several ways. Daily devotion and Bible reading. Thorough Bible study of a book of the Bible. Memorize verses.

·      Choose to do activities with gusto that are the opposite of the way I feel.

·      Take care of myself with a nice cup of tea, listening to soothing music, or petting the cats.

·      Write, in my journal using a pen on paper. Write about the emotions, write about a recent event that brought joy, write an encouraging note to someone. Write.

·      Go for a walk.

·      Watch an entertaining movie or television show, preferably uplifting. Or watch silly cat videos online.

·      Practice relaxation techniques and/or deep breathing exercises.

·      Color pictures in a coloring book, or create pictures of my own.

·      Focus on one thing in the moment – maybe a task that needs to be done that I don’t feel like doing.

·      Read a book for fun.

·      Play a game; with someone else is the best, but on my phone is good too.

Wow! I had forgotten there are so many ways to live through disappointments. Many of them have lifted my mood at one time or another. And this evening, until bedtime, I’m going to watch some television with my family. I feel better just making that list and recognizing that there’s so many ways to handle anxiety. I just have to choose to do so.

Repentance and Lordship

Last week I talked about the difference between Saul and David. Both men had similar personalities including ruthlessness, lying, and other immoral traits. The difference between them was a matter of the heart. Saul refused to see God as preeminent while David recognized his own shortcomings and repented of them. Today, I’m going to do some more meditating on repentance.

In another Bible study I do with a different friend, we read an article by Robert Boyd Munger entitled My Heart – Christ’s Home. Basically this article is an allegory or a metaphor where each room in the house is given over to Jesus. Each room represents a different aspect of our personalities, hobbies, or concerns of our hearts. As we walk with Jesus through our hearts, we see where some of the things we value are not things we want Jesus to see or be exposed to. One room at a time is examined and changed by the influence of Christ in our lives. Not only is the room changed but our attitudes about our thoughts and behaviors change leading us to repent and turn things over to Jesus.

In the final section of the allegory, there’s a locked but stinky and small cupboard. Just when we think we’ve turned over everything to God, the smell from this room becomes unbearable and Jesus says if something’s not done about it, He’ll be forced to move to the porch or away altogether. In the allegory, the smells emanates from the stuff we want to take to our graves with us, often things dealing with some long past event or feeling or thought. Some strongly held belief, which we just don’t want to let go of. Yet Jesus stands outside this closet and asks us to get rid of the smell.

It’s not enough to ask for Jesus to forgive us for our sins. Yes, He will forgive us, but the quality of our relationship with Him will be hindered. In the allegory, the homeowner realizes that if he truly wants a great relationship with Jesus everything about his house needs Jesus to touch it – even those things we wish to keep hidden. Some of those things may require more strength than we possess to deal with. The closet holding our most stinky stuff torments us, yet we are unable to power our own way into making the necessary changes (even as we repent). So the homeowner realizes that the power to change is totally reliant on Jesus. However, Jesus tells the homeowner that He doesn’t have the authority to do whatever He wants with the house since He’s not the one who owns it.

So the homeowner decides he wants to give Jesus the house and gets the title and signs it all over to Jesus. Now everything part of the house is under Jesus’ control. I have given Jesus various rooms in my heart to sort through over the last 40 years, but it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I was willing to give Him everything – including the stinky cupboard. The thing I was holding onto of which I just couldn’t let go was the idea that if things got too depressing and hopeless, I could kill myself. Holding onto that belief hindered my relationship with Jesus. When I finally decided suicide was not an option and I was giving every aspect of my life over to God, my outlook on life and my relationship with Jesus became better. My relationship with God is more intimate because there’s not the underlying stink of thinking I was in control of my own life and death. I have given my heart to God fully. Repentance of the individual characteristics of the various rooms was good enough to maintain a static relationship with Jesus; however, I now experience a dynamic and peaceful relationship with Jesus knowing He’s in total control of my life.

The Hope Within

It’s different this time. I have hope. Where does this hope come from? Why am I not pessimistic like during times past? There are two simple reasons.

First, I know I do not want to die. Two years ago I discovered this truth. I was diagnosed with cancer and suddenly realized that I had a lot of good stuff (and some bad stuff) yet to live for. During most of my childhood, teenage years, young adult, and middle age I’ve thought that dying (i.e. suicide) was always a way to end my pain. But in that one moment in February of 2017, I knew I wanted to live and suicide became a non-issue. It was completely off the table and no longer an option. Since I no longer had a “way-out,” I needed to find new ways to think and feel about the suffering in my life. This includes the ups and downs of my bipolar.

Which brings me to the second reason things are different. I have hope. In the past I viewed my illnesses as enemies to be beaten into submission. And I felt it as a losing cause. There would always be problems with no solutions and everything could only get worse. Yet, my life had proven over and over again that my mood will change and will even stabilize at some point. But I thought it was only temporary and I waited for the other shoe to drop, living in dread every day of my life. There was always something hanging over me.

As I said, my life story should’ve proven to me that there was always hope. I just couldn’t see it, but with no other options available to me, I decided to believe. Believe in a God who saved me through His Son the Lord Jesus Christ. Believe in the principles of the AA program. Believe in my professional caregivers. And, last but not least, believe in myself. All those beliefs together give me an incredible amount of hope.

Let’s live in hope today.

Hills and Valleys

Where are my keys? Did I take my medicines this morning? What was I supposed to get at the grocery store? Do I have to make dinner? Do I have to make that phone call to the doctor’s office? Do I have to deal with the insurance company? Can I wait until tomorrow to work on the book? Can I wait until tomorrow to write a blog article? Can I just take a nap? Why am I so distracted? Why do we have to decorate for Christmas? Do I have to wrap presents? Do I have to feel these feelings?

Those are the questions flying around my head recently. I haven’t felt like doing any of those things – except the nap – and I know I have to anyway. There are other things I’m having trouble enjoying that I usually get great pleasure from. Everything is beginning to feel like a chore. Ever been in this place?

For me these questions are warning signs. Bright flashing yellow lights. They are the signs that a valley is approaching in my life. I’ve been enjoying a mountaintop with the beautiful sights and closeness to God. Now, I realize that I’m sliding down the side of the mountain and have some choices to make. I may not be able to prevent the sliding (my bipolar disorder will cause me to make swings in moods – often without my being able to do anything psychologically, physically, emotionally and, even, spiritually to prevent them).

My pastor recently shared from the book of Habakkuk in the Bible. Habakkuk experienced the let downs of feeling distant and alone, separated from God. Habakkuk felt God was letting the whole nation of Israel down. He felt God was letting wickedness to prevail. And he railed at God to do something about it.

Then God says, in verse 5, “Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days – You would not believe if you were told.” The point for me is that even in the midst of what seem like terrible times, God is at work. I just can’t see everything He’s doing. I can’t see how He’s going to use the current situation for His glory. I need to rest assured that He is at work carrying out His promises. I also need to be praising Him and thanking Him for what is to come. This is where my hope comes from each and every day.

True Success

What is a writer’s (or anybody else’s) measure of true success? Borrowing from Karen Ball and Erin Taylor Young (https://www.writefromthedeep.com/), speakers at the Maranatha Christian Writers’ Conference, I’m going to talk about what being a successful writer means to me. These are principles for everyone to keep in mind.

Success doesn’t mean getting published. Of course, as a writer, that is a goal; it’s just not the goal. Other people have other goals – acquiring wealth, providing for their families, moving up the corporate ladder, a new car, a new house, getting married, having children, etc. Don’t get me wrong; those things are good and worthwhile to an extent. They may bring a measure of happiness to people’s lives, however, the thrill of achieving this kind of “success” will fade and people will want more. It’s that way with writing and getting published, also.

True success that lasts over long periods of time – may I even say, “over eternity” – comes from bringing God glory in all that is done. As a writer, my material or manuscript may be rejected by big publishing houses or by smaller publishing houses. That’s really out of my control, but I’m not going to measure my success by what publishers have to say. It would be nice to be appreciated and published, but that is not why or for whom I write. I write because God gave me this gift, this talent, and the mindset to pursue writing. It’s part of who I am – since childhood. It’s how I figure out what’s going on in my head and in my life. It helps me make sense of the world and my role in it.

Writing for God’s glory means I use the gifts and talents He’s given me to the best of my ability. Striving for excellence is part of it. I define “excellence” as doing the best possible with the resources, tools, and time available. Success is measured by how well, how often, and how lovingly I carry out the tasks God has given me. This is true for everyone no matter what gifts and talents God has given to an individual. If a person has the gift of being the perfect hostess (hospitality), let them exercise that skill by serving others. If a person has the gift of preaching, they better be about preaching. True success, again, is using the gifts God has given to minister to others. I do that through my writing.

Whether I ever get published or not, as long as I’m writing with God’s purposes in mind, I am being successful. If only one person reads my blog each week, if I have faithfully written as God has directed me, I am a success. That one person may be God’s intended audience. That gives new energy to my writing practices. It also gives me new motivation for doing what God has directed me to do: WRITE.

Boundaries and Counselors

There were many lessons and applications to be had in 1 Samuel 14. I found two, with the help of a commentator, in the first several verses. One was about how God sets boundaries on the enemies we face. The other was about surrounding ourselves with people who will tell us what we need to know and not just what we want to hear.

The first thoughts came from the commentary by Matthew Henry as introduction to chapter 14. The Israelites had been holding back from the battle with the Philistines, partly because of Saul’s timidity and partly because Saul was left with only about 600 men. The other men (part of a 3,000 strong army) had deserted and hidden in the nearby mountains. The Philistines could have easily routed the Israelites. Why didn’t the Philistines attack?

The answer may be more complicated, but we cannot dismiss God’s role in this. God sets the boundaries. He held back the Philistines from attacking. God was protecting Israel from the enemy. Henry went on to say it’s the same for us today: “Invisible power sets bounds to the malice of the church’s enemies.” Reflecting on my life, I see that principle played out in my own life in various ways. One way has to do with my enemy of suicidal ideation. Thinking about and planning for suicide, at one time in my life, was a regular activity. I even attempted a few times. Some people might say I wasn’t serious about it or I’d have managed to actually die. Looking at the principles in this opening to 1 Samuel 14, I see that God was setting and holding the boundaries. He just would not let me die. The enemy was lurking, but God held it back and protected me.

This brings me to the second lesson and application. In verse three, we are told that Ahijah, a descendent of Eli (under whose tutorage Samuel was raised) was acting as a high priest. The problem with this is that Ahijah was not from the Levite family God designated to be the high priests, just as Eli had not been. Saul preferred Ahijah to Samuel. Henry, in his commentary, gives a possible reason for this, and it’s a reason or excuse many people still give for not choosing to listen to wise counsel. Saul wanted a high priest that would listen to him and do what he said. Saul sought someone who would tell him what he wanted to hear. From previous encounters with Samuel, Saul knew Samuel would not do this, but would confront him and reprove him according to God’s designs and will. Saul did not like what Samuel had to say.

I have fallen prey to this deception. I have sought out people I thought would agree with me. Making decisions based on what I wanted to hear often led to more trouble and struggles. At one point in my recovery from my mental illness, I decided to seek out wise and godly counsel hoping for better results. I did not like what my doctors and therapists had to say most of the time. They challenged me and confronted me and urged me to change the way I acted and thought. I did not fully trust them. It was often uncomfortable, however, as a result of heeding their wise instructions, I began to recover and my mental illness stabilized. Today, I may not like or agree with what my therapist and psychiatrist want me to do, but I do what they suggest anyway and am led back to right thinking, right living, and a right relationship with God.

A New Realization on an Old Commitment

I once made commitments and decisions to keep myself safe and talked about them in my blog. However, those commitments and decisions were “date-stamped.” There was always an expiration date attached to them. I’ve wavered in those commitments over time and spent many dark moments in between commitments contemplating suicide and self-harm (even engaging in the self-harm at times).

Today I want to talk about the end of those commitments – those temporary commitments.

As I was reading God’s Word and praising Him this last week, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. (Not an audible spoken word, but gentle nudge). The nudge was for me to contemplate the status of those commitments.

I realized that somewhere in the last year suicide and self-harm had become non-issues. The Spirit’s influence on my life, especially since May when we first learned of the possibility of my having cancer and continuing through treatment and ongoing, has shown me that I want to live. I want to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. I want to be a witness to the saving power of Jesus Christ. I want to spend my every waking moment (and if possible, every dream at night) worshiping and praising the glorious and merciful God of my salvation.

Those desires and behaviors do not allow for taking things into my own hands. I don’t have to think about suicide not being an option anymore. It just isn’t.

This is big. I’ve struggle with mental illness most/all of my life and some of these harmful thoughts have been with me for equally as long. Now they are just gone. The decision wasn’t to make them not an option. The decision was to live my life for God’s purposes, a completely different way of thinking about things. It’s not focusing on what I will NOT do. It’s focusing on what I WILL do. This is a completely different way of approaching life.

I don’t know why the struggles have been such a part of my life, but God allowed them. He, I’m assuming, used them to accomplish His purposes for a time – maybe so my experiences would help or encourage another. I hope so. However, I’m going into a new phase of my life (or returning to an old one like at the time I first accepted Christ).

This is big. I just wanted to share it with all of you. This doesn’t mean there won’t be more struggles (John 16:33 assured us that in this world we will have tribulation) but my perspective has changed. Now I’m looking at Jesus and His promises (John 16:33 continues by saying we are to take courage because Jesus has overcome the world). 

Here's to a new way of living!

Serving God Wherever He Sends Me

I hate doing what I’m about to do. However, God tells us that we are to support those of the faith that have need. 2 Corinthians 8:1-9 is an accounting of Paul asking the Corinthian church members to be as giving as their counterparts in Macedonia (a much poorer community). I’m often challenged by this passage to give more to God’s work. Verses 6-7 in the New Living Translation says,

So we have urged Titus, who encouraged your giving in the first place, to return to you and encourage you to finish this ministry of giving.  Since you excel in so many ways—in your faith, your gifted speakers, your knowledge, your enthusiasm, and your love from us—I want you to excel also in this gracious act of giving.

I do not want to preach to you. I want to appeal to you in the power of God’s Word. I’m praying your hearts and your devotion to improving the world will prompt you to act.

Here’s the appeal: Help me go to Haiti, January 20-27, 2018 to help in mission work that partners with my local church. We are going with an organization called Loving Shepherd Ministries, which provides homes for orphaned children in Haiti. They not only house children, but LSM provides each child with long-term educational and vocational opportunities.

We will be involved in various roofing projects in the community around one of the homes that LSM operates. We will also be building relationships with the children as well as giving them something tangible that will point back to how much God loves them. This gives each child hope and allows them to reach God.

The total cost is $1,750 and needs to be raised by January 10th (I’m getting a late start at this because the Holy Spirit only recently convinced me to go; notice He was convincing and it took a while for the message to sink in). Part of these funds will purchase construction materials.

Contribution checks can be made out to “Fowlerville UB Church” and marked on the memo line: Haiti-Grimm. Then send it to:

Fowlerville United Brethren Church

9300 W. Grand River Ave.

Fowlerville, MI 48836

If you have any questions, please send me a note at thetootsierolllady@yahoo.com

I love serving Jesus and I’m excited by this opportunity. Join me in the adventure!

AND HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION.

 

Be Intentional: Acts 13:1-`5

We start to be observers of Paul’s ministry for the remainder of Acts. Paul starts with the Jews in the various cities he travels to, and when the established Jewish leaders reject the message about the Messiah, he shares with the Gentiles in those areas. A couple of things stand out to me as I review this beginning of the missionary journeys.

It appears as though Paul, along with Barnabas, had a strategy for their first missionary trip. They started in Antioch, traveled to Cypress by ship, walked across Cypress, sailed to Asia Minor and continued to move from familiar territory (Barnabas was from Cypress) to the unfamiliar territory in the Roman Empire. They were intentionally picking places to go share the message of Christ. They also made their first stops at the local synagogues in each town. I’m struck by their intentionality and planning. Why? Because I don’t really have any plans or strategies for sharing about Christ in my world. I need to be more intentional. This means thinking about where I have a witness and planning how I will present the message per each situation that I find myself in on a regular basis.

The second concept that struck me was based on Paul and Barnabas’ example once they are in Galatia (still in Asia Minor). They went to the synagogue in Pisidian Antioch “and on the Sabbath day they went into the synagogue and sat down.” (13:14) We don’t know how many Sabbaths they had done this for or what made them stand out among the worshippers. But something caused the leader of the synagogue to approach them and say, “Brethren, if you have any word of exhortation for the people, say it.” (13:16) Paul and Barnabas were actually invited to speak to the worshippers (and, of course, they took advantage of the opportunity). What made them appear worthy of such an honor to the synagogue officials? Was it the way they listened on other Sabbaths? Was it the way they dressed (appearing as a rabbi and/or Pharisee)? Was it something they said in passing? Something opened the way for them to share (of course, it could be God’s intervention, too).

So I ask myself, “What do I look like, sound like, act like that would grant me an audience of listeners?” I don’t really know the answer to those questions, but it causes me to think about my life and if I should be doing something different. Possibly I’m already doing what God wants me to. I try to share Christ/God to those in my sphere of influence either with my blog articles or with those in Alcoholics Anonymous that I come in contact with. But, should I (and you) be doing something else, too? Just something to be thinking about.

Both of these applications require intentionality on my part. I need to put more effort into being intentional for God’s sake. That’s a purpose worthy of my attention.

The Past and the Present

I’ve been reading old journal entries and emails to Jean from 2006 as I write my next book (working title: The Journey Continues). I’m noticing some things that are the same and some things that are different.

First, one thing that is the same. I didn’t like taking my psychotropic medications for my bipolar disorder. I would agonize over it or just plain refuse to take them. I would conveniently “forget” them. I would not tell my therapist or my psychiatrist until they asked. If they didn’t ask the right question, they didn’t get the whole truth. I wouldn’t volunteer any information that might make it seem like I was being non-compliant. I would struggle with this for weeks, until it became obvious to everybody that something was wrong. I usually ended up in the mental hospital.

Some of those things are still true, however, there’s one big difference. I still don’t like taking my psychotropic medications for my bipolar disorder. I constantly question whether they are working or not. I question the psychiatrist and my therapist all the time as to whether or not they think the meds are really helping and how do they know. That’s something that hasn’t changed in the last nine years. I doubted their effectiveness then and I doubt their effectiveness now. What has changed: I actually take them now, whether I want to or not. The psychiatrist is aware that I don’t want to be on any more meds than is absolutely necessary and she works toward that goal. My therapist also knows I don’t like taking my meds and asks me on a regular basis what I’m taking and whether that’s the doses and drugs recommended by the psychiatrist.

Another thing that is the same. I struggled over the relationship I had with my mom. In 2006, my mom was still alive and we regularly had contact with one another. There were many things from my childhood that were amiss because of my mom’s actions and attitudes toward me. While she was still alive, it didn’t matter that I was an adult, she still had the means to offend me or raise my ire.

However, that has changed in some ways. I still struggle at times with the way I was raised and the things my mom said and did. But I’ve learned in the intervening years that my mom was the way she was because of her childhood upbringing and because of her experiences. She did a lousy job of being a mom to me, but she did the best she could. I’ve learned that I don’t have to follow in her footsteps and treat my children the same way she treated me (as children or as the young adults they now are). I no longer hold a grudge against my mom. I’ve come to a place of forgiveness and acceptance. That is easier now that she has passed away (however, I forgave her before she died and told her so). She no longer has the opportunity or the means to insult me or my husband, my children or my decisions regarding my children. So it is easier to live with the memories and have a peace I didn’t have before.

Another thing that is the same. Trusting others has been hard for me all my life. I see now it stems from the childhood I had where I couldn’t trust my parents to meet my emotional needs. I still struggle with that. I just have a really hard time trusting those people God has put into my life as caregivers (including my husband, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my internist, etc.)

However, what is different is the way I deal with those thoughts and feelings of distrust. I remind myself that those people are not my parents who failed to meet my emotional needs or to demonstrate the appropriate emotion regulation coping mechanisms that allow for a maturity in adulthood. I now tell myself these are good, caring, loving, and accepting people in whom I can place my trust.

So there are some things that are the same, but with those come some different ways of dealing with those thoughts and feelings that could lead to the self-destructive behaviors of the past. I’ve learned some things in the last nine years. That is good to discover and gives me encouragement for change in the future.

Affirmations

Last week in my commitment statement I said “I will write one truthful statement from the Word of God in my journal . . . “ to combat the suicidal thinking. I found that doesn’t just happen. I couldn’t think of a single affirmation at the point of distress. So I decided to start making a list I could keep in my journal, which I almost always have with me, to reference when a crisis moment presents itself. I’m still working on that list gaining insights from the promises of God I’m looking at each day in my devotional time.

So far I’ve come up with four. The first one is from the verse I have at the top of my commitment statement: “He has by his own action given us everything that is necessaryt for living the truly good life . . .” [2 Peter 1:3 Phillips] Basically the affirmation is: God has provided me with everything I need to have a good life.

The second one comes from Galatians 6:9: “Let us not grow tired of doing good, for, unless we throw in our hand, the ultimate harvest is assured.” My affirmation based on this verse says, “In time I will reap a harvest, if continue to do good.” I can look forward to seeing some results from the good I’m trying to do.

The third affirmation comes from 1 Corinthians 9:24-25. Again in the Phillips it says, “Do you remember how, on a racing-track, every competitor runs, but only one wins the prize? Well, you ought to run with your minds fixed on winning the prize! Every competitor in athletic events goes into serious training. Athletes will take tremendous pains—for a fading crown of leaves. But our contest is for an eternal crown that will never fade.” My affirmation statement puts it this way: “There’s a crown if I don’t give up the race.”

And my last one, so far, is from Jeremiah 29:11. In the NASB it says, “ For I know the plans that I ^[a]have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” This is an affirmation I used a lot this week. In it’s most basic form I just say, “God has a plan for my life.”

I will continue to look for and notice possible affirmations from Scripture and add them to my list. Eventually I hope to have 5 – 10 solid affirmations I can look at whenever I’m feeling like life is not worth living. I’m open to suggestions from anyone who wants to offer one. It may get added to my list.

Status of Commitment

I’m still afraid to make the commitment for a long period of time. It’s been suggested to me that I make it for one day at a time, like I did for stopping drinking. Also like stopping drinking, that doesn’t mean the thoughts to drink (or kill myself) won’t come up from time to time. It just means I don’t act on those thoughts and purposefully turn my thoughts to something else. I will see how this works one day at a time. Then maybe I will develop the confidence and courage to make the commitment for a longer period of time.

So as a reminder to me, I’m reprinting the commitment statement I posted last week:

“He has by his own action given us everything that is necessary for living the truly good life, in allowing us to know the one who has called us to him, through his own glorious goodness.”

If I believe God’s Word, then I have to believe that He’s given me everything I need to live a good life even when my life doesn’t seem so good. With this in mind, I will dismiss thoughts of suicide, reminding myself that it is not an option. To support this commitment, I will write one truthful statement from the Word of God in my journal each time the thoughts occur.

Suicidal thinking includes thoughts about losing weight in inappropriate, unhealthy, life-threatening ways including mismanaging my insulin dosing.

I am making this commitment because God has promised me a good life and I need to wait to see what He will bring about without taking things into my own hands. I am making this commitment to those who love and need me, especially not wanting to hurt or “damage” them.

1.     All my parts (including adult). I will work to break the cycle of abuse from my parents with my inner child as I have done with my physical children.

2.     My immediate family

3.     Best friend

4.     Bible study partner

5.     Recovery friends: Therapist, AA

6.     My siblings

7.     Current and future fans of my book(s)

On my commitment statement I will share with my therapist, I have a signature line and a date line. On Wednesday, in her presence, I will commit to thinking suicide is not an option a day at a time and sign and date on the lines.

Commitment

It’s time to make a new commitment to life. I’m not sure I’m ready to do it but I wrote up a commitment statement I might be able to commit to. The focus this time is on hanging around to see the good life God promised He would give me (based on 2 Peter 1:3, quoted below from the Phillips version of the New Testament).

“He has by his own action given us everything that is necessary for living the truly good life, in allowing us to know the one who has called us to him, through his own glorious goodness.”

If I believe God’s Word, then I have to believe that He’s given me everything I need to live a good life even when my life doesn’t seem so good. With this in mind, I will dismiss thoughts of suicide, reminding myself that it is not an option. To support this commitment, I will write one truthful statement from the Word of God in my journal, or otherwise bring to mind, each time the thoughts occur.

Suicidal thinking includes thoughts about losing weight in inappropriate, unhealthy, life-threatening ways including mismanaging my insulin dosing.

I am making this commitment because God has promised me a good life and I need to wait to see what He will bring about without taking things into my own hands. I am making this commitment to those who love and need me, especially not wanting to hurt or “damage” them.

1.     All my parts (including adult). I will work to break the cycle of abuse from my parents with my inner child as I have done with my physical children.

2.     My immediate family

3.     Best friend

4.     Bible study partner

5.     Recovery friends: Therapist, AA

6.     My siblings

7.     Current and future fans of my book(s)

So what do you think? Is this a doable commitment? I am praying about making this my commitment. Maybe, with God’s help, I can keep this commitment because it seems like the right thing to do.

His Love Never Ceases

I just recently finished reading through the book of Lamentations in the Old Testament. I had read it before so I was not surprised by the sorrow and destruction it talked about. Jerusalem was devastated and destroyed by the nation from the north (Babylon) because God arranged for that to happen. Lamentations clearly identifies God as the one who destroyed Jerusalem because of their sin and lack of repentance. Lamentations 2:1 says,

“How the Lord has covered the Daughter of Zion with the cloud of His anger. He has hurled down the splendor of Israel from heaven to earth; He has not remembered his footstool in the day of His anger.”

It goes on to say God was without pity and “has brought her kingdom and its princes down to the ground in dishonor.” Israel sinned and turned its back on God and His ways. So God destroyed them. This could be a very depression passage of Scripture, but there’s still hope. The hope is focused on by the poet of Lamentations in Chapter 3. The poet purposefully brings to mind the truths of God’s character that allow us to still have hope in times of distress.

Lamentations 3:19 – 26 highlight the poet’s perspective, which should also be my perspective:

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

When things seem to be totally downcast and full of distress, I can turn my thoughts to the character of God and His great love for me. I like the way the NASB puts verse 22: “The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.” His love and compassion never fail me, even when it appears that everything is falling apart around me. That’s the truth of the situation. Even when everything seems like bitterness and gall, even when my soul is downcast within me, as it has been this winter, God’s love and compassion are keeping me alive. I can wait quietly for His salvation and trust in Him. That’s what I’m trying to do.

Surprised to be Loved: Psalm 18

Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of much. Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of being loved. But that’s not how God views me. He views me from a place of perfect love. Even when the rest of the world doesn’t appreciate me, even when the world tries to knock me down, God loves me.

Psalm 18 had so much good stuff in it that although I talked about part of it last week, there’s more to talk about. Verses 16 – 19 in The Message say,

“But me he caught – reached all the way

            from sky to sea; he pulled me out

Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,

            the void in which I was drowning.

They hit me when I was down,

            but God stuck by me.

He stood me up on a wide open field;

            I stood there saved – surprised to be loved!”

So no matter what kind of havoc the evil in this world try to create in my life, God has reached all the way from the sky and pulled me up. If there’s hate and chaos in the world, I am still safe and protected by God. If I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean or am unable to breathe air, God is still sticking with me and putting me in a position to survive.

But surviving isn’t enough. Lately I feel like all I’m doing is surviving. A few years ago I made a commitment to pursue thriving. I haven’t been doing very good at that lately. Any thriving that’s going on is by accident. I have not been making conscious decisions to do things that make me thrive. For instance, I have not been taking substitute teaching jobs, or getting together with a friend I used to see regularly. And I’m left feeling like I’m drowning.

I can remedy that. I can take the sub jobs and I can call my friend. But I can also recognize that God is pulling me up and placing me in wide open fields where I can breathe and feel fulfilled. I can turn to God and regain the sense of being saved. I can rekindle the sense of being loved by a mighty God. It takes a little work on my part, but God is doing most of the work. I just have to be attentive to His workings and allow myself to feel His love.