Exciting News

Coming this fall. The second edition of my memoir, The Tootsie Roll Lady: a memoir of mental illness, alcoholism & faith, will be released hopefully in time for Christmas presents.

For those of you who have read the first edition, I recommend purchasing the second edition as it updates my recovery starting after 2005 in an additional Epilogue at the end of the book. There is also a 2019 additional Prologue.

For those of you who have never read it, I think this is an important time to rerelease this book because mental illness is very much misunderstood in today’s cultural, political and health environment. The Tootsie Roll Lady takes the reader through the traumas, struggles, and effects of the mentally ill, from a very personal point of view. Much of society makes assumptions about those with mental illness, and those assumptions are based on the media’s views. The Tootsie Roll Lady addresses those assumptions as readers see mental illness from the inside out.

In coming blog articles, I will explain my reasons for updating and launching this new edition of the book. In the meantime, if you are in a big hurry to read the first edition, it can be purchased at Lulu.com in either paperback or an eBook. Right now there’s a 10% discount. The Tootsie Roll Lady is also available at Amazon.com but there’s no discount there and it’s only available in paperback.

Be looking for more information on the release of the second edition. I will be notifying you in my blog but also in Facebook (More Than Wishing is the business site).

Until next week, know I’m praying for each and every one of my readers and followers. May God bless you and encourage you to keep Him central in your life journey.

True Success

What is a writer’s (or anybody else’s) measure of true success? Borrowing from Karen Ball and Erin Taylor Young (https://www.writefromthedeep.com/), speakers at the Maranatha Christian Writers’ Conference, I’m going to talk about what being a successful writer means to me. These are principles for everyone to keep in mind.

Success doesn’t mean getting published. Of course, as a writer, that is a goal; it’s just not the goal. Other people have other goals – acquiring wealth, providing for their families, moving up the corporate ladder, a new car, a new house, getting married, having children, etc. Don’t get me wrong; those things are good and worthwhile to an extent. They may bring a measure of happiness to people’s lives, however, the thrill of achieving this kind of “success” will fade and people will want more. It’s that way with writing and getting published, also.

True success that lasts over long periods of time – may I even say, “over eternity” – comes from bringing God glory in all that is done. As a writer, my material or manuscript may be rejected by big publishing houses or by smaller publishing houses. That’s really out of my control, but I’m not going to measure my success by what publishers have to say. It would be nice to be appreciated and published, but that is not why or for whom I write. I write because God gave me this gift, this talent, and the mindset to pursue writing. It’s part of who I am – since childhood. It’s how I figure out what’s going on in my head and in my life. It helps me make sense of the world and my role in it.

Writing for God’s glory means I use the gifts and talents He’s given me to the best of my ability. Striving for excellence is part of it. I define “excellence” as doing the best possible with the resources, tools, and time available. Success is measured by how well, how often, and how lovingly I carry out the tasks God has given me. This is true for everyone no matter what gifts and talents God has given to an individual. If a person has the gift of being the perfect hostess (hospitality), let them exercise that skill by serving others. If a person has the gift of preaching, they better be about preaching. True success, again, is using the gifts God has given to minister to others. I do that through my writing.

Whether I ever get published or not, as long as I’m writing with God’s purposes in mind, I am being successful. If only one person reads my blog each week, if I have faithfully written as God has directed me, I am a success. That one person may be God’s intended audience. That gives new energy to my writing practices. It also gives me new motivation for doing what God has directed me to do: WRITE.

Finding Topics

So, I haven’t gotten much of my study of Acts 7 done, so I don’t know which insights I want to share with you. As a result, I’m feeling topic-less.

There are several things I can do to come up with topics to write to you about. One of those things is to just wait and pray, hoping God will lead me to something. This often works. Turning to God often works in many areas of our lives. I think it’s probably the one most important thing I can do anytime we are struggling in our lives. That’s not saying we don’t have to do our part. There’s always the “footwork” to do, even if it’s just doing the next right thing, whatever that might be. Sometimes that might be making dinner or doing the laundry, but sometimes it’s making us available to someone who needs a friend to talk to. I find that in doing the next right thing(s), God brings to mind ideas about what to write about. Often those topics deal with a struggle I am having preventing me from doing the next right thing. However, I have to remember to seen God in all things, and wait on Him to bring me to the next topic or the next activity.

Another thing I do to come up with topics is review my Quiet Time notes, my letters to a special friend, or my Bible study notes (especially the application section). Trying to come up with topics actually draws my attention back to something I maybe didn’t learn the first time I looked at a certain passage of Scripture. I find it’s a good policy to review my notes and letters occasionally (to be honest, I probably should do this more often). I often see patterns of things that God has shown me over the course of a few days, a few weeks, or a few months. Those things are only apparent after time has gone by. I would miss the patterns if I never reviewed my various notes.

My final resource for coming up with ideas involves talking to people and finding out what they think I should write about (or what they want to hear about). Actually, that’s where the idea for this blog article came from. I was mentioning to one of my daughters that I didn’t know what to write about this week. She suggested I write about what I do when I don’t have a topic readily in my thoughts. I thought about that for a few minutes, came to my computer, started typing, and out came this blog. There are other times this happens when talking to friends. Friends are a valuable resource in my writing and in encouraging me throughout my days.

Journaling

Today I realized that it’s been over three months since I wrote anything in my journal. This came up because my devotion for today was about how Luci Swindoll wrote in her journal everyday, and why and how she did it. It made me think of the reasons I journaled in the past and I was reminded of how important journaling is.

To start with, Luci quoted Deuteronomy 5:15, which says, “Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the Lord your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm.” Her point was that a journal is a place to keep the memories of the ways God has worked in our lives. There are many places in the Old Testament (and some in the New Testament) that record, in writing, the acts of God on behalf of His people. A journal can be my record of God’s acts in my life.

So to restart my journaling, I wrote about the sadness I’ve been feeling for the last few days. I can’t identify one big thing that has happened in my life that has caused the sadness. In fact, there are things, some small and some a little larger, that have combined together to create a sense of sadness in me. And there are probably some things I haven’t yet identified that are adding to the sadness. And maybe it’s none of these things and I just have to accept the feeling, acknowledge it, and work on comforting myself.

My therapist suggested I try to draw the sense of sadness. As I sat with my journal in front of me, contemplating what the sadness looked like, the image that came to mind is the same as mixing up a bowl of cookie dough. It is not a static, still life that I can draw. It’s moving and swirling together to create something altogether new. It may start with individual elements (sugars, shortening, eggs, vanilla, flour), but it blends together to create something that has all the elements in it, but is something completely different than what it started as. Then we add the chocolate chips, the good part. And I realized my sadness is like that, too. As the mixture is blending, new thoughts and memories come to mind that bring up some happier thoughts. They stick up here and there in the swirling mass and poke out at different angles. There may be a lot of them or just a few, but they add to the feelings of loss and sadness as only they can.

I wrote all that down in my journal in words. The swirling and feelings didn’t go away but they feel more manageable now. I’ve laid them before God and I can wait to see how God works to bring me growth as I experience these feelings and let them exist separately and blended together.

And, I’m reminded of why journaling is a good thing.

No Ideas

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with an idea for something to write about in my blog. I don’t have a boring life, so the fact that I can’t think of anything to write about kind of irritates me. Life does have it’s routines and maybe I get caught up in the routine a little too much and forget to notice the unusual or the extraordinary.

One thing that is going on in our lives is that our son will be moving to Chicago. His first real, post-college, job begins June 19^th. That means we have to move some of his stuff from our home to his current apartment (or to a storage unit near his current apartment) so the movers will be able to move all his stuff at once. This has been a big project. The logistics of it are still being worked out. While it is somewhat frustrating and a bit overwhelming to deal with all the details, it is also an exciting time. We are very proud of him. He is trying to finish up his graduate studies, look for an apartment in the greater Chicago area, and plan his move. All we have to do is get his stuff to him. I don’t know why I’m feeling so overwhelmed by it.

We also have our daughter home from her first year of college. It was a good year as far as her studies went. We are very proud of her for all she accomplished during her freshman year of college. We’ve been able to have some good discussions about a wide range of subjects. I’m cherishing these conversations and times together. However, it would also be good if she could find a job for the summer. That is proving a hard thing to do. She may end up doing some volunteer work for a local Christian organization. Whatever she does it will be nice to have her around for the summer.

So, there are eventful things going on in our lives. I should be able to come up with even more interesting items to write about, but for this week this is the best I can do. Hope you are having a good week.

Wave Offering

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I’m studying the Feast of First Fruits this week in my Bible Study time. One of the key elements of this feast celebration was the Wave Offering where the priests would wave a sheaf of barley before the Lord so the Lord would accept it. The primary purpose of the offering was so the Israelites would outwardly acknowledge that everything they have, explicitly the harvest in this case, came from God. They waved the offering before God as a way of saying, “This is Yours to do with as You see fit.”

In a way, God asks us to offer a Wave Offering every day. He wants us to wake up in the morning and say, “Here’s my day. It is Yours to do with as You see fit.” Many days, I fail to do that and on those days, I often feel like I failed to accomplish much of importance. On the other hand, on days when I do wake up and give the whole day and all of me to God, it might be an ordinary day of laundry, dishes, Bible Study preparation, and whatever, but it feels different. It feels fulfilling. It feels like I accomplished something.

On a bigger scale, when I give my whole life over to God for Him to do what He wants, I also feel a sense of accomplishment. For instance, some days I write a blog article without really praying about it much or giving it to God. The blog still might be good, entertaining, challenging, or have some benefit for a reader. However, I don’t feel as satisfied. So I try to make it a point to pray before I write a blog entry. It may not accomplish any more than on the days I don’t pray, but it gives me the satisfaction that I did my best for God, that I offered Him my writing skills and He was able to use it to fulfill His purposes.

It’s like Moses offering up his staff for God when God asked him to throw it down on the ground and it became a serpent. This was a type of Wave Offering also. Moses did what God asked. And when asked to Moses also followed God’s command to reach out and pick the staff up again. Back in Moses’ hand, the serpent became the “rod of God.” It was able to accomplish many fine purposes for God from parting the Red Sea to getting water from a rock in the wilderness. Moses offered it up and God was able to use it to accomplish His great purposes.

So today, and each day I write, whether it’s for a blog article or a book, I offer up my writing skills to God for Him to use to fulfill His purposes. I pray that this blog meets a need and that God can use it to fulfill His purposes. I make my Wave Offering today.

Healthy Distractions

I’ve been dealing with some physical illness as of late, mostly unexplained nausea and stomach upset. I’ve taken the necessary steps to try to deal with the illness by seeing doctors and getting tests run and scheduled. The problem is it takes a long time for some of the tests to get done. I’m waiting right now for a test that won’t get done until mid March. That’s a long time away yet to deal with nausea on an almost daily basis.

So, how does someone cope with physical illness over a long period of time? I’m sure there are many who have dealt with this in their lives, but I have a few tricks I’ve been learning. I call them my distractions. They are good, worthwhile, distractions and allow me to live beyond the symptoms for short periods of time. Being able to do that is probably helping me keep my sanity.

One thing I recently discovered is covering one physical discomfort with another physical discomfort – but one that is good for me. So I’ve recently started using the treadmill that has been collecting dust in our family room. Exercise is good for me in so many ways. Even though I’m not walking miles and miles or for long periods of time, the actual motion keeps me distracted from the other ailments long enough to get in some exercise. I’ve found I can easily walk for 15 minutes and during that 15 minutes I don’t notice the nausea because I’m noticing the movement of the treadmill and the movement of my legs more so. That’s a healthy distraction.

Also, I’ve noticed that writing helps me distract from the way I’m feeling physically. Sometimes it’s as deep as a chat on Facebook – not really very deep. But sometimes it’s writing a longer piece like this blog that keeps me focused on something besides the physical pain. Even though I’m indirectly writing about the pain, the actual act of writing causes me to think about the mechanics and grammar of writing and the physical pain becomes less noticeable. Whether I’m writing an email, a journal entry, a chat, or my blog, writing is a worthwhile distraction.

Artwork is another way I distract. Whether it’s doodling or drawing something concrete and realistic, drawing distracts from the physical pain I might be experiencing. Sometimes I just sketch in black and white but more often I use colors to brighten the page, which in turn brightens my mood. I like drawing colorful outdoor scenes for instance. One of my favorites recently is on the top of this post. Cardinals on a winter’s morning give a splash of red in an otherwise dreary day. That’s what doing artwork does for my physical ailments. It gives a distraction to the dreary day.

Prayer is another way I distract. Focusing on the needs of others by praying for them gets the focus off of me. When I’m not focusing on me, I’m less likely to be caught up in the pain or discomfort I’m experiencing. On top of the relief it brings me, prayer is useful. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much (James 5:16). So I try to be an effective woman and pray. That’s a great distraction for me and can be a help to many others.

Do you have ways you distract from physical pain or discomfort? What are some of those? Leave a comment and share so we might all give them a try next time we need a healthy distraction.

God's Work

Today I read Ephesians 2:10 in The Message. It says,

“[God] creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join Him in the work He does, the good work He has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.”

Lately, as I’ve been feeling ill with weird symptoms, too numerous to explain at this point, it seems like it is impossible to be about any work whether given to me by God or just the day to day tasks. But, the key is that God has given us work He has ready for us, work He has planned out uniquely for us to be doing. So I asked myself, what is the work He has planned for me today? What should I be doing regardless of how I am physically or mentally feeling? So I’ve been pondering those questions today.

I feel like yelling at God and telling Him that it’s too much to expect me to carry on when feeling sick with these vague symptoms that come and go without warning. The reality is there are important jobs for me to be doing even when feeling ill. Some of those are true everyday and can be done regardless of how I’m feeling and others need to be done especially when I’m feeling ill.

Job #1: PRAYER. I can pray no matter how I am feeling. I’ve been trying especially hard this week to pray for those who may also be suffering from some unexplained illness or heartache. There are lots of people in my life right now suffering from cancers, accident recovery, mental health issues, and so much more. Some of those people I know about, some just come to mind for no apparent reason. But, my job, my work is to pray for each one of them. Maybe due to my own physical symptoms right now I understand more acutely how much they need prayer. I pray God will find a way to encourage them in the midst of their struggles. That’s what I’m praying for myself, too.

Job #2: ENCOURAGE. I can try to write encouraging emails or notes or make a phone call to those who may need a kind word. I try to do that every morning by writing at least one email to my friend in Minnesota. I don’t always know what to write or what she needs to hear, but I write anyway. God knows what she needs and she seems to get something out of my notes. I have other friends I try to write on a somewhat regular basis and whether they live in Michigan, Minnesota, or Idaho I pray before I hit the send button that the note will encourage the recipient in a special way.

Job #3: WRITE. I write this blog. I view it as part of my job, the work God has for me on this earth. I don’t always know what to say or where the writing may take me, but nonetheless I write. I know that God has given me a talent to write and not using it would not be doing the work God has specifically prepared for me to do. And, as it says in Ephesians 2:10, it’s work I had better be doing.

I’m sure there are other jobs, other work, God has prepared for me to do and I will continue to contemplate what those jobs might look like. In the meantime, I know I have these three jobs to work on and I can do them no matter how I feel if I do them with God and for God.

Holiday Thoughts

It’s time to write another blog article. I don’t really have a topic in mind and when that happens it makes writing very hard. I need a direction, a place to go. I don’t have one of those today. So, I thought I’d share a little about my thoughts on the upcoming holidays.

Today, my daughter asked what is on the menu for Thanksgiving Dinner. I do have the menu planned out, but not necessarily the details (like what vegetable we are having). Dorm food must really have her down if she’s thinking a week ahead to Thanksgiving Dinner. She also wanted to know if anyone was coming that would be spending the night. I don’t know, and can’t guess, what that’s about. I wonder if she thinks she’ll have homework or if she’d have to give up her bed (she has a loft here so it’s not like grandma is going to sleep there!)

Yesterday, my husband said something very shocking. He said maybe we should start thinking about doing the unthinkable: get an artificial tree. That’s something he once told me he’d never do. I grew up with an artificial tree. There are some definite benefits to having one, foremost in my mind is the lack of pine needles scattered, thanks to our cats, throughout the house. But, not having a live, pine-scented, tree also means the house won’t smell like Christmas. Do they make air fresheners in pine scent? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have to look into that.

This last weekend, when it was in over 60 degrees outside, we hung up our outdoor Christmas lights. They won’t be turned on yet, but they are ready to go. We also put the birdbath warmer out. Today, the birdbath is frozen and we had to plug the heater in. What a change since Sunday. I’m glad we will not have to fumble in the cold with the lights. I’m glad we took the opportunity to hang them when we did. Now we will have to see if we will get them taken down before Easter.

Last week, I purchased my first Christmas present. It should be arriving in the mail soon. I’m excited to do some more shopping, but I don’t like spending money. I like giving presents but I don’t like spending the money. It makes holiday shopping a two-edged sword with fun on one side and pain on the other.

There. Does any of that help you get into the holiday spirit? I hope so. It’s motivated me to shop again. Now that I’m done with this blog article, I will go online to see what I can find.

Decisions and Commitments

Making commitments means making decisions. Making decisions means choosing (not choosing is also a decision). Choosing means being willing to look at options. Being willing means using new, learned skills. Using skills means taking a chance on doing things differently, outside the comfort zone.

Even after almost 18 months I am struggling again with renewing the commitment I made in January 2010. In the last 18 months when self-harm thoughts came (especially thinking suicide is an option) I made the decision to turn away and keep my commitment. In December 2010, I made a decision to thrive and not just survive. My commitment is a required component in thriving.

Thriving is hard work. Lately, I have not put the energy or time into pursuing a life worth living, required to live life to the fullest. I am spending a lot of energy on trying to find a way out of my self-imposed darkness and avoiding my responsibilities as an adult. There is the problem. Choosing the darkness and avoidance is staying too close to the fence, looking into the hole, the abyss, on the other side of the fence with longing. Looking beyond the fence is mind numbing, and leaves me detached from a life focused on thriving.

This week I feel stuck at the fence. And I’m apathetic about it. I’m languishing: “lacking vitality, growing weak or feeble.” I am not being forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation. I am self-imposing my own imprisonment. I can walk out of the situation any time I want. I just have to choose to go, to move. I just have to make the decision to walk – run – away from the fence. I’m not yet willing to do this and the longer it takes to make the decision, the harder it gets.

I’m praying for the willingness to be willing to renew the commitment. Right now that is the best I can do. I will keep praying for the willingness to make the healthiest decision – to renew my 18 month old commitment. I’m not sure at this point what is holding me back.

I do not want to alarm anyone with this note. Being able to “talk” about it with you and with those who are part of my support team is a step in the right direction. Having laid it all out, the decision, the pros and cons, I can begin to see things more clearly.

This article could be filed under “Survive and Thrive” or “Why Write?” or both. I am again made aware of the importance of writing as part of my recovery program.

Hey! Guess what?! I’m a Writer!

Anyone can claim to be a writer and, in my book, anyone who writes on a regular basis is a writer. It is nice if someone recognizes the writer in us, but our status as writers is not dependent on that recognition. Likewise, we are writers whether or not we have been published. Of course getting published is nice, very nice. Yet being a writer comes from a place deep inside that must be acknowledged, a part of us that says we must write.

Last week, I met a young woman from my Celebrate Recovery (CR) small group at a coffee shop to help her with a project for a college class. (CR is a twelve-step program for dealing with life’s hurts, habits, and hang-ups with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power). We worked for about 2 ½ hours reviewing some articles from scholarly journals and putting the ideas into her words.

When we were almost done, I asked why she thought to call me. Her answer, I admit, surprised me. It shouldn't have. She said, "Because you are a writer." Duh! I don’t know what I expected. To be regarded as a writer by someone is a really nice compliment. It is the recognition we long for, but so rarely comes (especially to those of us who have newly declared ourselves to be writers). But as I think about it, recently others have asked for help with their writing/teaching.

Why now? Or why am I noticing now? I think it is because in living in the present, I'm focusing on the possibilities, not the problems, focusing on thriving and not just surviving. The resulting confidence is attractive to others. Not being too needy leaves us better able to meet another’s needs. We may still struggle with our issues, our old ways of thinking and coping, but those things, day in and day out, do not absorb us.

That's a huge change in thinking. Maybe the biggest change since allowing Jesus Christ to take care of the messiness of life. To summarize the change I remember what one therapist said to me, “Stop thinking like a victim and be a victor!” Sounds like “thrive versus just survive” to me.

Writer's Block

Writer’s block. Block or not, I must write. That’s what the writers at the Writers’ Conference said. I’ve read books on writing. They all say ignore the supposed block and write. (One of my favorite reads about writing is The Right to Write, by Julia Cameron.)

I have found that when I feel like I can’t think of anything to write, I am avoiding something. This week I’ve been avoiding some things. One psychologist I talked with told me that I am addicted to anything, and everything, that will allow me NOT to feel or deal with my emotions. There are the obvious addictions: alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, shopping, gambling, and food. There are the less obvious. Some even seem to be good for us. But, when moderation is not enough, even those good things can become a way to distract from the real issue(s) – usually, for me, the emotions. Reading, listening to music, cruising the internet, Facebook, sleeping, “daydreaming,” helping others, taking on too many responsibilities, and even folding the laundry can be ways to avoid feeling and thinking about what is really going on.

This week I’ve been sleeping a lot. I do feel tired. Avoiding is as hard – tiring and time consuming – as dealing with the emotions and thoughts directly. The only possible benefit of avoiding is that, for a time, a short time, there is no sense of pain. Just numbness and emptiness exist in the cave I go to when I’m choosing to avoid. Unfortunately, I can’t stay hidden in the cave. Doing that, while I sometimes think it would be great, is not living. So, just as with a drunk, when the effect wears off, the world and its problems are still waiting. Often worse or heavier or more urgent than before escaping.

So why the “writer’s block?” Writing is a therapeutic tool for me. When I force myself to organize my thoughts into words, then sentences, then paragraphs, a complete idea forms and it begins to make sense. The writing holds the leaking, scattering, swirling thoughts together. This week I’ve been letting the thoughts leak out. I’ve been letting “writer’s block” be my excuse.

Today I will push past the addictions in my life holding me away from fully feeling and realistic thinking about the stuff that frightens me and confuses me. Today, I write. Today, I wrote this. It’s a start.