Decisions and Commitments

Making commitments means making decisions. Making decisions means choosing (not choosing is also a decision). Choosing means being willing to look at options. Being willing means using new, learned skills. Using skills means taking a chance on doing things differently, outside the comfort zone.

Even after almost 18 months I am struggling again with renewing the commitment I made in January 2010. In the last 18 months when self-harm thoughts came (especially thinking suicide is an option) I made the decision to turn away and keep my commitment. In December 2010, I made a decision to thrive and not just survive. My commitment is a required component in thriving.

Thriving is hard work. Lately, I have not put the energy or time into pursuing a life worth living, required to live life to the fullest. I am spending a lot of energy on trying to find a way out of my self-imposed darkness and avoiding my responsibilities as an adult. There is the problem. Choosing the darkness and avoidance is staying too close to the fence, looking into the hole, the abyss, on the other side of the fence with longing. Looking beyond the fence is mind numbing, and leaves me detached from a life focused on thriving.

This week I feel stuck at the fence. And I’m apathetic about it. I’m languishing: “lacking vitality, growing weak or feeble.” I am not being forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation. I am self-imposing my own imprisonment. I can walk out of the situation any time I want. I just have to choose to go, to move. I just have to make the decision to walk – run – away from the fence. I’m not yet willing to do this and the longer it takes to make the decision, the harder it gets.

I’m praying for the willingness to be willing to renew the commitment. Right now that is the best I can do. I will keep praying for the willingness to make the healthiest decision – to renew my 18 month old commitment. I’m not sure at this point what is holding me back.

I do not want to alarm anyone with this note. Being able to “talk” about it with you and with those who are part of my support team is a step in the right direction. Having laid it all out, the decision, the pros and cons, I can begin to see things more clearly.

This article could be filed under “Survive and Thrive” or “Why Write?” or both. I am again made aware of the importance of writing as part of my recovery program.