The Hope Within

It’s different this time. I have hope. Where does this hope come from? Why am I not pessimistic like during times past? There are two simple reasons.

First, I know I do not want to die. Two years ago I discovered this truth. I was diagnosed with cancer and suddenly realized that I had a lot of good stuff (and some bad stuff) yet to live for. During most of my childhood, teenage years, young adult, and middle age I’ve thought that dying (i.e. suicide) was always a way to end my pain. But in that one moment in February of 2017, I knew I wanted to live and suicide became a non-issue. It was completely off the table and no longer an option. Since I no longer had a “way-out,” I needed to find new ways to think and feel about the suffering in my life. This includes the ups and downs of my bipolar.

Which brings me to the second reason things are different. I have hope. In the past I viewed my illnesses as enemies to be beaten into submission. And I felt it as a losing cause. There would always be problems with no solutions and everything could only get worse. Yet, my life had proven over and over again that my mood will change and will even stabilize at some point. But I thought it was only temporary and I waited for the other shoe to drop, living in dread every day of my life. There was always something hanging over me.

As I said, my life story should’ve proven to me that there was always hope. I just couldn’t see it, but with no other options available to me, I decided to believe. Believe in a God who saved me through His Son the Lord Jesus Christ. Believe in the principles of the AA program. Believe in my professional caregivers. And, last but not least, believe in myself. All those beliefs together give me an incredible amount of hope.

Let’s live in hope today.