Dumpster Diving

This week for my blog, I’m going to talk about something God showed me in a Quiet Time about my mental health recovery. Please join me on this path before I get back to finishing up 1 Kings.

I read Philippians 3:4-9 and something stood out to me about Paul’s description of himself (vs. 4-7) and his conclusions in vs. 8-9. In the NLT verses 4-9 say

⁴ though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more!⁵ I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. ⁶ I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.

So in looking at verses 4-7, I evaluated my skills, concepts, tools, credentials, pride, and education that I relied on to handle my life. As I looked back, I saw that much of what I relied on, maybe all I relied on – coping mechanisms, education, certificates, diplomas – were either unhealthy or unhelpful as I try to live a productive life as Christ’s servant, or even as an healthy adult person. In many ways I’ve been able to develop new approaches to living that are helpful. But what have I done with the dysfunctional aspects of my life?

Verses 8-9 tell us what Paul did with all his credentials and thoughts that did not coincide with his new faith in Christ. Paul considered all his credentials, degrees, birthrights, and qualifications as garbage in light of the new revelation of Christ. Most garbage was useful for a time, but became useless over time. The usefulness of what Paul now considers junk, was in knowing the Scriptures and seeing how they lead to Christ. Obeying the Old Testament was the only measure they had for righteousness.

But Paul says in this passage that all of that is garbage to him because he now sees the fulfillment through Jesus Christ, and his righteousness is not based on the law but on faith. This reminded me of all those things (coping mechanisms) I held onto so tightly as a child and into my adulthood. They were useful, but as I grew and was no longer in the same situations or danger, they only confused what my adult behaviors should and could be. To me, they are worthless and useless (most of the time) as I’ve learned new coping strategies and matured in dealing with my emotions in adult ways. I never really thought of them as garbage before. However, in learning new ways, new ideas, and identifying feelings I’d long stuffed, they have become useless (and they were never all that helpful). As a result, I am closer to Christ and recognize that my “goodness,” “righteousness” is solely dependent on my faith in Christ. 

So as I was thinking about that more during the next few days, I felt ashamed because in a recent session with my therapist, I tried to cover myself in garbage when things got tough. Useless, worthless and obsolete coping behaviors don’t really match up with God’s plan or with my being an adult. I regret all the times when I hop into the trash bin and try to pull out the things that I have, for the most part, done away with. I picture myself, digging in the filth and rotten food, smearing myself in it, trying to regain what I thought I had lost. However, the rotten banana peel I’m rubbing myself in is no longer functional. I think that looking at the old coping skills as trash (obsolete, worn out, useless thoughts and behaviors) is a new perspective and may help me in the future to not fall into using them.

This imagery of dumpster diving is so vivid in my mind, that when I’m tempted to use the old, outdated, and worthless tools for coping with life, I think twice. I find that there are many things I rely on to navigate through life that need to be put in the trash so I can be more effective in this world for the sake of Christ.

·      What are you doing with the old creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and its ways of doing things?

·      Are you also dumpster diving?

·      How can you change that to be more effective for Christ, and to live a productive life?

·      Is it time to let your faith be the primary coping mechanism in your life?

The Hope Within

It’s different this time. I have hope. Where does this hope come from? Why am I not pessimistic like during times past? There are two simple reasons.

First, I know I do not want to die. Two years ago I discovered this truth. I was diagnosed with cancer and suddenly realized that I had a lot of good stuff (and some bad stuff) yet to live for. During most of my childhood, teenage years, young adult, and middle age I’ve thought that dying (i.e. suicide) was always a way to end my pain. But in that one moment in February of 2017, I knew I wanted to live and suicide became a non-issue. It was completely off the table and no longer an option. Since I no longer had a “way-out,” I needed to find new ways to think and feel about the suffering in my life. This includes the ups and downs of my bipolar.

Which brings me to the second reason things are different. I have hope. In the past I viewed my illnesses as enemies to be beaten into submission. And I felt it as a losing cause. There would always be problems with no solutions and everything could only get worse. Yet, my life had proven over and over again that my mood will change and will even stabilize at some point. But I thought it was only temporary and I waited for the other shoe to drop, living in dread every day of my life. There was always something hanging over me.

As I said, my life story should’ve proven to me that there was always hope. I just couldn’t see it, but with no other options available to me, I decided to believe. Believe in a God who saved me through His Son the Lord Jesus Christ. Believe in the principles of the AA program. Believe in my professional caregivers. And, last but not least, believe in myself. All those beliefs together give me an incredible amount of hope.

Let’s live in hope today.

Haiti Part 2

One of the key things impressed upon me on the second day was how God is at work in our lives. When I first became a Christian, God surrounded me with people who were interested in reaching the world for Christ. I knew many individuals, couples, and families who left their comfort zones to live overseas to be a part of serving Christ by living and sharing their faith among people who may not have otherwise heard Christ’s salvation message. Some of the places these friends went to were China, the Philippines, France, England (to the Muslims there), Ireland, Indonesia and Hungary.

During my early Christian life, sharing the gospel message wherever and whenever possible was also impressed upon me. However, I felt God calling me to be involved in world missions. Shortly after graduating from college, my husband and I went to help the missionary in Hungary for a short-term mission trip. This was before communism’s grip was diminished in Eastern Europe, yet the people wanted to learn English. We went to be native English speakers at a camp for some of these people. However, we were also there to show them the love and message of Christ as much as possible. I rejoiced in the opportunity to serve God in that way. I began thinking and praying about other short-term (and maybe even long-term) mission trips even more. I had a vision that God could and would use me that way.

Then life hit! I developed several chronic illnesses, was busy pursuing a graduate degree, had children, and other illnesses became acute. My vision seemed to be dead. Life had just gotten in the way. We still supported missionaries and prayed regularly for them. We prayed God would send out laborers into the harvest (Luke 10:2). We hosted visiting missionaries in our home. We got involved in mission conferences/weekends with our church. Our hearts ached for the harvest around the world (and in our own neighborhood and country) to be appropriately dealt with. I still longed to be a part of God’s harvest around the world, but my illnesses and responsibilities seemed to put to death the vision I’d had in college. I gave up hope of ever “going” again. It seemed as if I’d gotten the wrong message early on; God wasn’t calling me to the mission field as I had thought.

Fast-forward thirty years. All the obstacles were still present in one way or another, and in varying degrees of severity. Yet, the youthful vision again blossomed in my heart. When our church started going to Honduras on regular short-term mission trips, I had a longing to go, but just couldn’t. When our church started partnering with Loving Shepherd’s Ministry in Haiti, I began praying for them, resigning myself to believing that was the role God now had for me regarding world missions.

However, this year in the fall, I couldn’t shake the feeling that God wanted me to go. I argued with Him. I pointed out all my illnesses (which were in great control, but seemed insurmountable to me). I thought my husband would say, “No.” I thought my therapist would say, “Not a good idea.” I thought my diabetes specialist would say, “It’s too dangerous.” I thought my psychiatrist would say, “You might cause depression or mania to return if you try this.” All of them thought it was a great idea! They were excited for me to do it. They encouraged me to apply. I began to get excited, but I thought it was probably too late and all the spots would be taken or I’d never raise enough support.

None of that was true. God answered in big ways and confirmed that He wanted me in Haiti. The vision from my youth had been restored. God works when all hope seems gone. He’s in the business of making miracles. I had learned this lesson earlier in my Christian life, but I was not convinced of it. I had a vision, a death of a vision, and now the miraculous fulfillment of the vision. I’m excited to see what God has for me next.

Why Laugh?

Keeping the theme of laughter in mind, I pondered the question of how can I laugh in the midst of my struggles. I found an answer in my daily reading in Joy Breaks. The key to laughing in the midst of tribulation and suffering is being focused on God and His eternal promises to us. 

Romans 5:3-5 are very encouraging to me and help me focus on what really matters. “And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” [NASB] Proven character is the goal, and that only comes about by dealing with some suffering in our lives.

I’d rather not have to deal with the suffering part of things. The hope of the future glory we will experience, and the hope of being in the presence of God, is great. But to truly rejoice in the coming of those things, we have to experience some suffering. If everything on this earth was great and happy and fun, we would not be looking forward to being with Jesus in heaven at the end. The tribulations keep us longing for the next life; a life in God’s presence where there is no trials or suffering. If we were without the troubles and tribulations here on the earth, we would already be in the presence of God because in His presence, in His kingdom, in heaven, is the only place where everything will be perfect.

So, knowing that the suffering in this world is just preparing me for a time in the future where all my hopes will be realized, gives me cause to rejoice. With the rejoicing because of the hope of the future, a hope that will not disappoint me, I can see past the troubles I face in this world. I can be confident that better times are ahead. I can rejoice in the knowledge that this life, and any current struggles I may be having, are only temporary. I can rejoice in the eternity of peace, love, acceptance, and glory that is to come, and exist permanently for me.

So I can choose to see struggles as temporary. I can be glad for my suffering because those struggles lead to a proven character, a character that is in Christ’s likeness, in glory forever. If I view my struggles as temporary, I can laugh in the midst of them, knowing that the hope I have for an eternal existence without suffering is waiting for me.

Forgiving Myself

In studying the book of Genesis with a friend, I’ve come to Genesis 45 and was struck by Joseph’s comment to his brothers in verse 5.

First, a little background on Joseph. Joseph was his father’s favorite son, but his older brothers didn’t appreciate the favoritism in any way. In fact, they decided to do away with Joseph. Instead of putting him to death, as was their first thought, they made a little money off of him and sold Joseph to traders going to Egypt. They thought that Joseph was gone for good. Joseph became a slave, but eventually rose in power in Egypt because he listened to God and could interpret dreams given to the ruler of Egypt. Joseph was a boy, then a man, who trusted that God was in control even if he couldn’t see what God was doing.

Fast forward 37 years. There was a famine in the whole land, Egypt and Canaan and surrounding areas. Joseph, in his position of power in Egypt, had implemented a master plan that provided for all of Egypt, and anyone else who came asking, all the grain and food they could need. Joseph’s brothers show up begging for grain for their families in Canaan. Joseph recognized them, but they did not recognize Joseph. So Joseph put them through several tests to see if they were still the vengeful and selfish men they were when they sold him into Egypt. Through these trials, Joseph sees that the brothers became fearful and remorseful of their sins. So eventually Joseph revealed himself to them. His brothers were understandably afraid and repentant before Joseph.

Now verse 5. Joseph says to his brothers, “And now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life.” [NASB] Joseph, who had every right to be angry with his brothers, was conciliatory towards them. He told them to not be afraid, to not grieve, to not be angry with themselves because God had worked in and through the situation. What the brothers meant for evil purposes, God used for His purposes in preserving Joseph’s family.

Why does this strike me? I identify with the fear and remorse of the brothers. Just as Joseph had benevolently forgiven his brothers for God’s sake, Jesus forgives me for my sins. Yet, I worry and agonize and replay my sins over and over again in my mind. Joseph’s brothers had trouble believing in Joseph’s forgiveness, too. Many years later, after their father’s death, the brothers are again worried that Joseph will repay them for their sin against him. Genesis 50:15 tells us this: “When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, ‘What if Joseph should bear a grudge against us and pay us back in full for all the wrong which we did to him!’”

They still did not believe Joseph had forgiven them and were worried and anxious that they would be punished. But, just as before, Joseph reassures them, “But Joseph said to them, ‘Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.’” [Genesis 50:19, 20; NASB] Joseph had no intention of holding their sin against them. Jesus has no intention of holding my sins against me. So, I need to stop being critical and self-loathing and forgive myself. I need to recognize Jesus’ forgiveness and move on with my life.

Just for today, I can try and do that. We’ll see if I remember tomorrow.

Dealing with Shame

Many people experience shame at some point in their life. I often feel shame as I’m not what I hope to be. I’m not thin enough, smart enough, good enough, loving enough, athletic enough, and many other enoughs. Actually, I go farther than not being enough of something to holding the position that I’m bad, ugly, fat, cynical, unloving, stupid, weak and out of shape. I identify myself by those things. I say, “I am             .” instead of I’ve done something bad or unloving. I’ve learned I’m not supposed to do that, however what replaces the feelings of shame is a question that was answered in my Quiet Time with God this morning.

Psalm 34:5 tells me how to avoid feeling ashamed: “They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces shall never be ashamed.” [NASB] The NIV version of the Bible says it a little differently: “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” The answer comes from looking to God for my value and self-worth. He sees me totally different than I see myself.

When I’m looking to God for my value, I am radiant. Radiant means, “sending out light; shining or glowing brightly.” That’s what I want to be: Shining and sending out the light of God to others. When I’m filled with shame and seeing myself from that point of view, it is much harder to shine forth God’s light into the world. Another Psalm puts it this way: “Indeed, none of those who wait for Thee will be ashamed.” [Psalm 25:3a] Or in the NIV: “No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame.” The Amplified Bible adds some dimension to what waiting for Thee means. “Yes, let none who trust and wait hopefully and look for You be put to shame or be disappointed;” Trust, wait hopefully, and look to Him.

That’s the remedy for shame. I need to look to God and His Word, trust what He says about me, and patiently wait as I place all my hope in Him. Then shame and disappointment will not be an overwhelming feeling in my life, and it will show on my face.

Thoughts on Patience

We’ve all been told at one time or another to be patient. I remember hearing that a lot from my parents when I was a child. I still hear it from time to time from my husband, children, friends, therapist, and doctors. I guess it’s because I usually want something to happen right now. However, I have learned to be more patient in some areas of my life so that’s progress.

A recent example where patience was necessary dealt with our daughter getting a scholarship to Western Michigan University. She applied to WMU and for this specific scholarship in early September 2015. There was the waiting and wondering (and worrying) about whether or not they had received all the paperwork they needed. Our daughter contacted them in October because we hadn’t heard anything yet.

They said that someone would call to set up an interview. More waiting. This situation was teaching all of us a little about patience. When there’s nothing more you can do in a given situation and waiting is the only option available, you can be patient or you can be in agony. Getting impatient won’t make things move along any faster, so why get worked up? This was a situation where we really couldn’t make anything happen faster.

As parents we had to demonstrate patience. Mostly that just meant not bringing it up everyday or wondering aloud what was going on. For our daughter it meant going about her days doing what was before her. However, prayer was a definite part of my patience (praying for the outcome and praying for patience and forbearance with the process).

So October ended, and we were getting into November and we still hadn’t heard anything. Then one day, our daughter gets a call and they set up a telephone interview for the next day right after school. This required a renewed practice of patience. For us, as parents, we weren’t even privy to the interview so we didn’t know how it went. Our daughter thought the interview went well, but who knew for sure? They told her they would be making decisions starting in January. More waiting involved more patience.

We didn’t hear anything in January. We were getting a little anxious, but that’s not what patience is all about. One of the definitions for patience says, “An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.” So to have patience in this situation we had to suppress the restlessness and annoyance we felt at not knowing.

However, as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, “All things come round to him who will but wait.” In early February, we went to an “admitted student day” at Western. Not having heard anything from the scholarship office, our daughter called them, while we were on campus, and asked when we could expect to hear from them. The woman who answered gave us the answer we were hoping for. The acceptance letter had been sent in the mail in January, but due to address issues we often face having a post office box (they mailed it to the street address), we never got the letter. She was in!!

The Bible says we are to be long-suffering (King James Version), however, I think suffering is optional when we are being patient. We didn’t really have to wait that long to find out the answer about the scholarship, so I don’t know how patient we were. However, the end result is the same. We were able to go about our lives, get tasks done, and not be upset, annoyed, or too anxious while we waited to hear. I think we all learned a little bit more about being patient.

Post Surgery Thoughts

So, I’ve had both surgeries now and can see better without any glasses. The surgeries were uneventful and routine according to the doctor. However, they were not routine for me and, since I’ll never need the surgeries again, will never become routine for me. I’m glad that the doctor did not have any problems or complications to deal with. I’m glad I did not move or wiggle at the wrong moments. I’m glad that I’m now on the road to recovery and am able to see, with the help of reading glasses, enough to get back on the computer and write.

However, I’m not totally without disappointment. At the one-day-post-op appointment the doctor gave me some news – bad news to me. I will need glasses once the adjustment period for my eyes is up. The lenses they put in my eyes did not totally correct the distance vision so I will need glasses, just as I was getting used to looking at my face without glasses on. This is disappointing to me. It will probably be back to the bifocal thing since I can’t read without any glasses on.

Again, there’s a “however.” However, God was ultimately in charge. This is the way He worked out the details. I need to accept that this is God’s will for my life (and my vision). It calls into question my willingness to believe that God is in control. Am I totally convinced about God’s omniscience, omnipotence, love, mercy, grace, etc. Or do I just profess a faith that is surface deep and not part of my inner being. I think at times like this – when believing with my head is so difficult because things didn’t turn out the way I planned – I have to rely upon my heart. What does my heart really believe?

When I ask that question, I’m brought back to the time in my life when I did not know Jesus in a personal way. Life was so much worse and I had so little to hope in. Over time the joy of first meeting Christ has waned and surged many times. Right now I’m in a waning stage, but if challenged, I still know and believe the Truth. My hope and faith will surge again sometime. History has proved that.

So even without the perfect, as I see perfect, outcome to my surgeries, deep in my inner being, I recognize that this is somehow God’s perfect outcome. I wait expectantly for God to reveal to me why this was His perfect will.

The Past and the Present, Another Look

I’m still looking through my journals and email from Jean from 2006. April 4^th of that year found me in the mental hospital (again). During my time there, I learned several things about myself. However, what is standing out to me today is a lesson on why I end up in the hospital.

I was asked to work with the founder of the Trauma Program at the hospital (who was visiting from Texas). I did so and the summary of the session with him is below:

I have been sabotaging my recovery but my plan is to sabotage my recovery.

I’m very successful at this plan

Good news – I’m in control/successful at carrying out plan. I’m tenacious, committed, successful carrying out plan – [per my old rules] I’m a great success at making sure I fail.

Shift plan to a life plan. Modify plan and apply same energy to that plan and be successful at life.

Instead I ramp up my emotions à think how I’m a failure à think kids better without me à depression increases à ramp up emotions à husband doesn’t need me à suicide à closed negative loop

I engineer my own depression. Time to engineer a new plan.

 Much to my surprise, it’s a very similar lesson to the one I learned in March of this year when I, again, had the opportunity to work with the founder of the program (while I was once again in inpatient). One key concept that the doctor tried to get across to me was that I was choosing to be depressed. In my journal on March 12^th, 2015 I wrote what he thought. “I’m throwing a temper tantrum (digging in my heels that everything is hopeless).” I was offended because I thought (and still do) that the depression was at least partially due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. It had been three years since any med changes and things had been good for those three years.

However, there’s possibly a truth to the “digging in my heels” part. Did I again “engineer my own depression?” Did I carry out a plan that lead me back to the hospital? I still don’t know the answer to those questions; however, it is interesting to me that that possibility was brought up in therapy sessions nine years removed from each other. Whether I think that is the only reason the deep depression returned or not, there’s still a lot of work to be done based on the lessons I learned in April 2006.

I still need to work on engineering a plan for recovery and not for self-sabotage. I can see elements of self-sabotage in my behavior leading up to the hospitalization in March. Was I digging in my heels on complying with some of my therapist’s instructions (things that would make me be safe on the outside)? Was I digging in my heels on being willing to try a new med combination according to my psychiatrist’s suggestions? Was I unwilling to listen to positive messages God was giving me through His Word and other people?

I think that the answer to those questions is “to some degree” even if not entirely. It’s amazing to me to find myself in the same spot I was in nine years ago. This is a bit depressing, but it also tells me that God has not given up on teaching me the same lesson over and over again, as I may need it. He still thinks there’s a chance I can learn the lesson and grow in the areas He’s pointing out to me. So it’s something to be thankful for. And I need to consider whether I create my own depressions, at least in part, as I try to engineer new positive plans in my life.

Thoughts on Hope, Part 3

The third factor in hopelessness is survival. The key result of this hopelessness is a sense of doom. It leads to a sense of forsakenness, limitedness, doom, and helplessness. There are many passages in David’s psalms that depict how David’s very life is in danger. He has a sense of doom and despair. This sense of doom plays into the beliefs that things will never change and that things will not get better. The passages of Scripture already cited deal with those issues.

The sense of doom also plays into my fears about people and the future. I used to have a rule for living that stated, “Nothing I want will happen.” Another “old” rule stated that I believe that all relationships with other people will fail. That’s a sense of doom for relationships. And without other people in our lives, it is hard to survive. However, those rules have been put aside, for the most part, and I try not to slip back into believing them or acting as if I believe them. Sometimes it’s harder than other times to do that. For instance, if I have a conflict with a person, I slip into thinking the relationship cannot withstand the anxiety, tension, hurt feelings, despair, or sadness that comes from being in conflict with another person.

There are Scriptural references which address conflict among people, especially people who are brothers and sisters in Christ. However, several of the passages tell us that the conflict might result in severed relationships even after we’ve done all we can to restore the relationship. Matthew 18:15-17 says,

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” [ESV]

So I have to accept the possibility that a severed relationship might happen. However there’s a lot of work and effort that needs to be exerted before we “give up” and turn it over to God to deal with.

There are other verses that address dealing with conflicts by forgiving the other person and offering to meet their needs regardless of the conflict. The section in Romans 12:17-21 gives us instructions for dealing with our “enemies” with love and concern:

“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” [ESV]

These passages do not alleviate my fears that friendships and relationships may end but they give me hope that something can be done to deal with the hurt feelings and frustrations that come from severed relationships.

Scripture also gives plenty of advice for how to deal with conflict. As we saw in the Matthew 18 passage, we need to go to the person and present our case. If that doesn’t work (because the person refused to listen), then bring two or three others (presumably godly others) with you to help mediate the situation. Other passages talk about being forgiving towards those who have offended you. An example of this kind of instruction is found in Colossians 3:13 which says, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” [ESV] Another familiar verse on forgiveness is found in Luke 17:4 and says, “And if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” [ESV]

These verses and passages give me hope because they place ultimate judgment in God’s hands and make judgment not my responsibility. I need to do what Scripture says about conflict resolution and trust God for the outcomes. And mostly, I need to practice forgiving those who have offended me in some way to maintain a peaceful existence.

Thoughts on Hope, Part 2

Continuing from last week's post . . . 

A second basic reason for hopelessness comes from not having a sense of mastery in your life. That leads to helplessness, limitedness, oppression, powerlessness, and feeling uninspired. And it also leads to a feeling that things can never change. First let me say that there are a couple of things that will never change and these things should bring about a sense of comfort: God/Jesus Christ and His Word. 1 Samuel 15:29 explains this concept: “And also the Glory of Israel will not lie or change His mind; for He is not a man that He should change His mind.”  1 Samuel 15:29 implies that man changes his mind on a regular basis and therefore change is, again, inevitable. So, change is a sure thing in everything else in this world.

            Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 talks about there being a season for everything under heaven. There’s a time for opposites to happen in our world. That being true it means things will not always be the same. There will be change. Look at verses 1, 2, and 4 of the passage in Ecclesiastes:

There is an appointed time for everything, And, there is a time for every event under heaven – A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted . . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.

So things will change. Maybe not always the way we want them to or to the exact opposite of the way they are right now, but change has its appointed time in our world, as directed by God.

            In Romans 5:3-5 it tells us that one thing leads to another in an orderly, God ordained manner. One situation leads to a change in the situation, which leads to another change until we have hope that does not disappoint:

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

I know I’m nowhere near exulting in my tribulations, but that doesn’t change the fact that things will change: from tribulation to perseverance to proven character to hope. I just haven’t gotten to the hope part, yet.

            Along with this idea that things will never change is the hopeless idea that things will never get better. However, as Romans 5:3-5 states, things do get better. I would say hope is better than tribulation. There are also verses and passages that talk about a future worth living for; things will get better in the future. I especially like the ideas in 1 Timothy 6:19: “storing up for themselves the treasure of a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is life indeed.” Ultimately, there’s a better life once we get to heaven: “in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.” {2 Timothy 4:8)

            There are other passages of Scripture that talk about the fact that things might be uncomfortable or less than desirable right now, but by trusting in God we can learn to rejoice in the salvation God has provided for us. Psalm 13 tells us that David felt dismayed, even depressed and had trouble believing that God would act in a timely manner, that God had forgotten him. His primary questions all start with “How long . . .” as in how long will God forget him, hide His face from him, have to rely on his own counsel, have sorrow all day long, and how long will the enemy win. But David concludes the Psalm with the words of hope that God will eventually make things better: “But I have trusted in Thy lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Thy salvation. I will sing to the LORD, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.” (Psalm 13:5-6)

Thoughts on Hope, Part 1

           “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

            A wise woman once quoted this verse to me to explain why I repeatedly had bouts of depression. I heard her at the time but I failed to see the impact it could have on a person’s life. So much of the problems people have in life stem from a lack of hope and not having their desires fulfilled.

            This is not the only Biblical verse that mentions, “hope.” Hope is mentioned in 141 different verses ranging from the Major Prophets in the Old Testament to the apostles in the New Testament. And there are many other passages of Scripture that deal with having hope that don’t use the word hope. And there are other passages of Scripture that talk about things and situations that are not as hopeless as they seem. Having hope could alleviate many of the issues I face in my daily life and in my beliefs about how the world functions, including believing that things will never change, or that things will not get better. However some verses speak more directly to those two issues and I will cite them also throughout this essay.

            There are several thoughts on hopelessness. One article that I read said there are nine forms of hopelessness based on three basic issues: attachment, mastery and survival. All of these issues are addressed in Scripture. For instance, attachment deals with feelings of alienation, forsakenness, or being uninspired. David is a great example of all these forms of hopelessness, as is Job. Both men felt the total despair that comes from feeling like no one cares about them anymore and have been separated from those people for various reasons. In Psalm 62:5-8 David says, 

“My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us.” 

Only a person who feels utterly alone would say that his only hope is from God. It doesn’t come from his loved ones, his friends, or his family. He feels abandoned by all and can only rely on God.

            Throughout the book of Job, Job’s friends and family tell him to give up and die. But Job responds that he will not do that because he has hope in God. At one point it is said of Job, “Is not your fear of God your confidence, And the integrity of your ways your hope?” (Job 4:6). Again this is a person who could only trust in God; his friends and family had forsaken him and believed he was in dire trouble and would die.

            The antidote for this kind of hopelessness is to trust in God and in His Word. Psalm 130:5 says, “I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope.” In Ecclesiastes 12:13 it says, “The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person.” So no matter what we hear from other people (or don’t hear from other people) the final word is to fear God and follow His Word. Hope is found for even the friendless, in God.

Titles of Jesus

In studying 1 Timothy 1, I noticed a few titles given to Jesus. The study guide I’m using directed me to other passages in Scripture that give other titles to Jesus. These titles help me get a bigger picture of Jesus and who, exactly, He is.

The first titles are found in 1 Timothy 1:1 and tell us Jesus is our Savior and our hope. Not just “the” Savior or “the” hope, but “our” Savior and “our” hope. It’s personal, intended for us to realize that Jesus is a personal Savior. In 1 Timothy 1:12, Jesus is called Lord. That equates Him with the Almighty God and with the God of the Old Testament. Looking ahead a little, in 1 Timothy 2:5, Jesus is called the “one God and one mediator between God and men.”

Other passages of Scripture gave Jesus other titles that I found encouraging. In Psalm 2:2 He’s called the Anointed One. In Isaiah 9:6 He’s called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace.

In Luke 2:25, He’s called the Consolation of Israel. In John 6:48 He’s referred to as the Bread of Life. In Ephesians 2:20 He’s referenced as the Chief cornerstone. In Hebrews 3:1 Jesus is identified as Jesus the apostle and high priest. And in Hebrews 12:2 He is called the author and perfecter of our faith.

Another title for Jesus is found in 1 Peter 5:4 where He’s called the Chief Shepherd. And finishing out the New Testament in Revelation 1:8 He is called the Alpha and the Omega, who is who was and who is to come, the Almighty.

It’s clear from these passages that Jesus is equated with God the Almighty. I am encouraged as I read these passages by the greatness of the Jesus of the Bible. Throughout Scripture He is predicted and portrayed as the Almighty God and yet He came to earth in the form of a child, a human being, limiting His Almighty power so He could be our Savior and our hope. This humbles me and gives me much to be thankful for.

As I start out this new year, I want to keep in mind this Jesus and be thankful and full of praise for all the things He is and for all the things He’s already done for me.

More December Thoughts

Last week when I said there would be more December thoughts I had an idea. However today, as I sit to write, I don’t remember what I was thinking. So I decided to write about some memories from December 1978. That was probably the first time Christmas ever really made sense to me.

I was struggling with my alcoholism back then. I was probably drinking everyday and every evening and had been for at least a half of the semester of college. I was only a freshman but being free from my parents made drinking in excess even easier and I took full advantage of the freedom I had. That’s not to say that I hadn’t drank to excess in high school; I did on many occasions. And I hid it from my parents but not from some other adults who tried to help but didn’t really know what to do.

In college, I had made some friends who didn’t drink but most of the friends I made did partake of the alcohol available at parties. But I drank even when there weren’t any parties. I didn’t really realize that it was a problem until I tried to stop and found out that it was not as easy as I thought it would be. One of my non-drinking friends confronted me about my life and my beliefs. Another one sent me Scripture passages about the Christmas story throughout December.

One verse I remember to this day, because it made an impact on my life then and even now. “For today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:11. I memorized that verse because it spoke to me. It told me what Christmas was all about. But it didn’t stop me from drinking. That happened as a result of being shared with about the saving power of Christ and that it required a decision on my part. The verse that was shared with me at that time was Revelation 3:20 which says, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.” I realized that there are only three possible responses to a knock on the door. 1. Ignore the knocking. 2. Ask who it is and then not let the person in. 3. Ask who it is and invite them in. Christ had been presented to me and was knocking on the door of my heart. I had a decision to make about how I would respond to His knocking. It was too late to do the first option and ignore the knocking so that left me with a choice between keeping the door shut on Christ or letting Him in.

I realized that was a big decision. So I tried to stop drinking to make it sober. That’s when I realized that I had a problem. I had nightmares and shaking and felt sick – and really wanted another drink to take the edge off. I managed to not take a drink and made a sober decision to invite Christ into my life. I told God I’d give Him some time to make my life better. I think I mentally gave Him two years because that’s the longest anyone had been my friend and God would have to work in those two years to make me believe He could make a difference.

Well, things didn’t get automatically better for me. There was a struggle with depression and relationship issues. I needed help from a lot of people; friends and professionals. And things still, thirty-six years later, are not always perfect and without troubles, but without Christ in my life I’m pretty sure things would be worse and less hopeful. Telling you this story reminds me of the hope that I have in Him and gives me encouragement for the day. I hope it encouraged you also. Happy December.

Thirty Sterling Principles, Part 15

Today will be the last look at the thirty sterling principles. I know I haven’t covered every one of them but I’ve looked at the ones that have struck me in some way. Sometimes, like last week, they’ve been encouraging to me in very personal ways. Other times they have just been good principles to think about and meditate upon.

Today we will look at principle #29 found in Proverbs 24:19-20. It says,

“Don’t bother your head with braggarts
    or wish you could succeed like the wicked.
Those people have no future at all;
    they’re headed down a dead-end street.”

There have been times in my life when I’ve said, “Look at how easy so and so has it. I wish my life could be that easy.” However, those people often live like there’s no God, making them “wicked.” I dream about how easy my life could be if I didn’t follow God’s instructions . . . like taking care of the less fortunate than me or tithing to the church. How much money I would save if I didn’t do those things!

However, would I be any happier? I may not even have the blessings I have in my life now. God rewards those who follow Him. So if I wasn’t following God, it’s quite possible that my life wouldn’t be easier but would be less somehow. I just can’t say for sure what my life would look like if I didn’t follow God and try to obey His instructions.

This passage tells me that the ones I may be envying have no future. It says they are headed down a dead-end street. So if I was like them, I would not have a future and I would be heading down a dead-end street. So maybe I can imagine what my life would look like if I was “succeeding” like the wicked. I would not have the hope and future that God has promised me. I’d not have the direction and a wide-open road to walk down. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I lived as if there was no God. This passage tells me that I might appear to be succeeding, but in reality I would not have a future and would be walking on a dead-end street.

So when I wonder what my life would be like without Jesus in it, I can look at this passage and remember that with Jesus I have a hope and a future. I may not know what that future is . . . except I do know what the ultimate future holds: eternal life . . . but I definitely have one. That’s worth following Jesus for.

New Year's Resolutions

I’ve been trying to come up with a couple of New Year’s Resolutions. Some things that will inspire me to live a better life this coming year than the year that just ended. I have not really come up with anything. I see the posts others have made to their Facebook pages or to their blogs and I think, “I should come up with some clever words to inspire myself and others to a better year.” But, I don’t have anything new that I want to accomplish this year.

I’m not big on making New Year Resolutions because I’m not confident I will keep them – especially not for a whole year. So, today, as I contemplate a new year, I think of what has worked in the past to bring joy, thankfulness, and gladness to my life. These are the things I want to continue to do in 2014. They are resolutions in the sense that I am resolving to do them. They are not new resolutions however, because I’ve been doing them all along, throughout my life.

Of first importance is meeting with God daily, or at least almost daily. Each day I spend a little time in the Word of God, in prayer, and in praising is a successful day. Even if nothing else gets done in a day, if I’ve done those three things, I’ve had a successful day. From past experience I know that my mindset and mood is better on days I meet with God. I am not saying that there still aren’t hard days with low moods. There are, but what would my mood be like if I hadn’t met with God? On those days I fail to read the Word or praise or pray, I feel like something was missing from my life. Just to feel like I’m on the right track is enough reason to meet with God daily.

Next in importance is keeping up on my connection with beloved friends and family. I do that regularly in several ways. First, I try to write a daily email to my best friend. Although she lives in Minnesota and we are separated by geographical distance, we can be in contact on a daily basis through the power of the internet. In the past, which seems so very long ago, it would take days to communicate with her via the U.S. Postal Service. With technology via email, we can have daily contact to encourage each other and hold each other accountable to doing the things that keep us close to God. I will continue to do that sharing from my times in the Word of God and sharing my prayers, hopes, and dreams.

I also need to maintain contact with other friends and family. Again the internet is a powerful tool for doing this. I can message people on Facebook and/or keep up on the happenings in others’ lives via their Facebook posts. I need that regular contact with friends around the world. Thinking about others and their needs and prayer requests keeps me focused on others instead of just on my own problems and hang ups. That is important for me as I try to keep perspective in a world that can be so depressing. And, I see God answering prayer as I pray for those friends and family. That brings me a peaceful encouragement that I’m not sure I can get any other way.

I also need to do the things that are necessary for my sobriety. This includes the face to face contact with others who share my resolve to stay sober and happy. So, this next year I will continue to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and Celebrate Recovery meetings. These meetings give me perspective. This also means continuing to see my therapist on a weekly basis. Sometimes I think it’s not doing any good, but then what would my life be like without the weekly reminder to keep working at the things that bring me stability in my life? I do need the reminders to keep doing the things that give me perspective on a messy life.

So, for 2014 I will keep doing the things that I’ve been striving to do throughout 2013. Maybe I will do some of them a little better than I did last year, maybe not. Having the goals to keep at them are important. Even as they are not new goals or resolutions, they are things that can bring about a changed life when 2014 is over.

Hope in the Context of Scripture

I think hope is an emotion I’m not very good at recognizing or feeling in my life. So I decided to do a study of Scripture on what hope is. There were 146 places where the word “hope” is used in the Bible. Many of them were in the Psalms. A few are listed below.

A common theme is from where the Psalmist got his hope. It seems like hope is found in the Lord. So when I think I need hope, I need to focus on Him. I like what Psalm 42:5 says. “Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” It’s the help I get from God that gives me the hope I need to get through any circumstance. So when I am in need of hope, I need to look to God and remember the help He’s given me in the past.

I still struggle with being hopeful, but God assures me that I can be hopeful when I focus on Him. So, this week I’m going to try to focus on the hope I have in Him for a few moments every day. To do that I’m going to look for hope in the Scriptures I read each morning. When I see how God has helped other people, like the people who wrote the Psalms, I’m able to believe that He will also help me.

Psalm 9:18 “For the needy will not always be forgotten, Nor the hope of the afflicted perish forever”

Psalm 31:24 “Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the Lord.”

Psalm 33:18 “Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, On those who hope for His lovingkindness,”

Psalm 33:22 “Let Your lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, According as we have hoped in You.”

Psalm 38:15 “For I hope in You, O Lord; You will answer, O Lord my God.”

Psalm 39:7 “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.”

Psalm 42:5 “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.”

Psalm 62:5 “My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him.”

Hopefulness

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The most basic definition of hopefulness I found identified it as happiness. I guess hopefulness is a sort of happiness but it means something different, too, something more. It equated it to cheer. That isn’t what I think of when I think of hope or being hopeful, so I looked up the word hope and came up with some other definitions that I like better.

The best definition or synonym for what I feel the emotion of hopefulness is was optimism. Optimism was defined as the state of having positive beliefs. I can accept that as what I think hope is all about. Of course, what those positive beliefs are based on determines the amount of hope a person can have. In my case, I base my hope on a Higher Power who is looking out for me and caring for me. Ultimately, knowing a God gives me hopefulness I wouldn’t otherwise be able to summon up in this world. This world is full of disappointment and troubles. Those things would drain away any chance for real hope in my life, except there’s the ultimate hope I can have because of my Higher Power, God. (To read more on this view of hope go to my blog article from 10/17/10.)

Can I experience hopefulness apart from the hope I get from God? I am afraid to say, “Yes.” I am afraid that anything I hope for will not come to pass. In many ways it’s like the emotion of excitement. I’m afraid that even a little bit of hope will only lead to disappointment. So, hope is not an emotion I allow myself to feel very often. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on the results, I do experience hope sometimes. But, the fear of disappointment often overrides the hope and I’m left feeling fear more than hope. It’s very scary for me to allow for even a little bit of hope because the disappointment is so painful. I’d rather not look forward to a hoped-for outcome than be left without it occurring.

I realize that is a sad way to live. Maybe I should focus more on the other definitions of hope like having a longing or a dream in which to shoot. There are things I long for and possibly might potentially come to pass. And even if they don’t come to pass, the longing and dreaming are positive things in the meantime. For instance, I long to see my son this coming weekend. That may or may not happen depending on circumstances beyond my control. But the looking forward to it is a good emotion. It may only be fleeting in its duration but for a moment, I feel a sense of happiness. That moment of happiness allows me some relief from negative emotions I might be feeling. That relief is a good thing. So hopefulness can give me moments of relief and everyone needs a bit of relief now and then.

A Thankful Heart

I’ve been reading through the Psalms in my devotion time. I’m not very far into them yet but I’ve been impacted by David’s large amount of thankfulness for all that God has done for him. Reading from The Message version of the Bible has shed some different perspective on some of the familiar Psalms. The simpler language and the direct statements speak directly to my heart. I’m gaining a sense of thankfulness for the abundance God has provided for me.

In Psalm 9, verses 1 – 2 say,

“I’m thanking You, God, from a full heart,

            I’m writing the book on Your wonders.

I’m whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy;

            I’m singing Your song, High God.”

I like the picture of David whistling and jumping for joy over what God has done. I wish I could say that when people look at me they see someone who is jumping for joy. I’m not sure that is always the case. However, I’m working on it. I’m working on focusing on having a full heart, a full heart of joy at the wonders God is doing in my life.

As I was thinking about these wonders today, I tried to think about the things I have in my life due to God’s abundant provision for me. The list was longer than I expected including things like a loving husband, a vital and growing church, my health, my relative stability in my mental illness, healthy and happy children, a solid roof over my head, three square meals a day, and so much more. Then there were the spiritual gifts like the time and ability to read Scripture daily, the knowledge and desire to do Bible Study, plenty of time to pray, and the ability to live my life differently today than yesterday should I choose.

I have much to jump for joy over. What do you have to be thankful for and to whistle about, laugh about, sing about and be jumping for joy over? Join me in focusing on the good things we have from God and rejoice with me over them.

Source of Hope: Answered Prayer

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about prayer recently. I have been examining what I pray and what kind of answers I get. I find that when I pray for the things that are on God’s heart, the things that are His will, I get satisfying answers. So, I’m trying to pray more for those things and less for the lists of things I want and think I need.

1 John 5:14, 15 give me some insight into praying for God’s will. In The Message these verses say,

“And how bold and free we then become in his presence, freely asking according to his will, sure that he’s listening. And if we’re confident that he’s listening, we know that what we’ve asked for is as good as ours.”

We can have confidence that He is listening when we are praying according to His will. I like knowing God is listening. I think He’s listening even when I’m praying nonsense, but I can have confidence He’s listening when I’m asking for the stuff that is the stuff He wants for my life. The question is, “What is His will?” I find those answers in the Scriptures and I don’t even want to pretend to know what His entire will is for my life or for the life of my family and friends. But there are some things I do know.

It is God’s will for each of us to know Him and trust Him with our lives. So I pray that I would continue to grow in my knowledge of Him and be able to trust Him more. I pray the same thing for my husband, my children, my friends, my acquaintances, and even for my enemies (of which there may not be any). I pray it for everyone I come into contact with. I pray that each would respond to God by believing in His Son, Jesus Christ, and coming into a trusting relationship with Him. That is why John wrote His letter quoted above. He tells us that in verse 13 which says,

“My purpose in writing is simply this: that you who believe in God’s Son will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you have eternal life, the reality and not the illusion.”

That’s His will for us. To know that we have eternal life. I pray that reality into everyone’s life.

There are other things that are His will for us. And when I pray for those things I get answered prayer. It’s a guarantee – even when I don’t see the answers immediately. So I keep praying for His will to happen in my life and in the lives of those around me. I find a lot of hope in knowing that answered prayer, when I pray according to His will, is a guaranteed occurrence.