Dumpster Diving

This week for my blog, I’m going to talk about something God showed me in a Quiet Time about my mental health recovery. Please join me on this path before I get back to finishing up 1 Kings.

I read Philippians 3:4-9 and something stood out to me about Paul’s description of himself (vs. 4-7) and his conclusions in vs. 8-9. In the NLT verses 4-9 say

⁴ though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more!⁵ I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. ⁶ I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.

So in looking at verses 4-7, I evaluated my skills, concepts, tools, credentials, pride, and education that I relied on to handle my life. As I looked back, I saw that much of what I relied on, maybe all I relied on – coping mechanisms, education, certificates, diplomas – were either unhealthy or unhelpful as I try to live a productive life as Christ’s servant, or even as an healthy adult person. In many ways I’ve been able to develop new approaches to living that are helpful. But what have I done with the dysfunctional aspects of my life?

Verses 8-9 tell us what Paul did with all his credentials and thoughts that did not coincide with his new faith in Christ. Paul considered all his credentials, degrees, birthrights, and qualifications as garbage in light of the new revelation of Christ. Most garbage was useful for a time, but became useless over time. The usefulness of what Paul now considers junk, was in knowing the Scriptures and seeing how they lead to Christ. Obeying the Old Testament was the only measure they had for righteousness.

But Paul says in this passage that all of that is garbage to him because he now sees the fulfillment through Jesus Christ, and his righteousness is not based on the law but on faith. This reminded me of all those things (coping mechanisms) I held onto so tightly as a child and into my adulthood. They were useful, but as I grew and was no longer in the same situations or danger, they only confused what my adult behaviors should and could be. To me, they are worthless and useless (most of the time) as I’ve learned new coping strategies and matured in dealing with my emotions in adult ways. I never really thought of them as garbage before. However, in learning new ways, new ideas, and identifying feelings I’d long stuffed, they have become useless (and they were never all that helpful). As a result, I am closer to Christ and recognize that my “goodness,” “righteousness” is solely dependent on my faith in Christ. 

So as I was thinking about that more during the next few days, I felt ashamed because in a recent session with my therapist, I tried to cover myself in garbage when things got tough. Useless, worthless and obsolete coping behaviors don’t really match up with God’s plan or with my being an adult. I regret all the times when I hop into the trash bin and try to pull out the things that I have, for the most part, done away with. I picture myself, digging in the filth and rotten food, smearing myself in it, trying to regain what I thought I had lost. However, the rotten banana peel I’m rubbing myself in is no longer functional. I think that looking at the old coping skills as trash (obsolete, worn out, useless thoughts and behaviors) is a new perspective and may help me in the future to not fall into using them.

This imagery of dumpster diving is so vivid in my mind, that when I’m tempted to use the old, outdated, and worthless tools for coping with life, I think twice. I find that there are many things I rely on to navigate through life that need to be put in the trash so I can be more effective in this world for the sake of Christ.

·      What are you doing with the old creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and its ways of doing things?

·      Are you also dumpster diving?

·      How can you change that to be more effective for Christ, and to live a productive life?

·      Is it time to let your faith be the primary coping mechanism in your life?

Burnout

Pastors need sabbaticals. Not necessarily to recover from burnout, but to prevent burnout. They work long weeks, often interrupted by “emergencies.” There are few professional jobs that require the same amount of commitment, flexibility, and people time as those involved in full time ministry. Along with extended sabbaticals, pastors and missionaries need regular time off to connect with family and God in different ways than the usual.

Elijah needed such a time out. He was burnt out on trying to get the northern tribes comprising Israel to repent and return to the worship of Jehoveh God. While much of his burnout was the result of trying to do things on his own, without God’s direct commands, the result was the same as many who are obedient to God: lots of effort, little hoped for results.

Elijah experienced depression, despondency, exhaustion, fear, and doubts. He was no longer sure of his role and mission that Jehoveh had planned for him. I’ve experienced all those emotions along with a lot of questions about my self-worth, purpose, and even, why I am even alive. I believe those feelings are the natural outcome of getting our eyes off God and His plans for us.

God measures success differently than we do. Our success or failure is not based on achieving tremendous outcomes. Success in God’s eyes is not about getting a promotion at work. Success according to God is not the act of accepting Christ as our Lord and Savior (although that’s the beginning). God measures our success by how obedient we are.

In some ways, Elijah was as unsuccessful as he thought he was. This is because he attempted to correct the Israelites apart from God’s plans. As much as I thought that Elijah was a great man of God, I was taken aback by a deeper study of the Scriptures. In 1 Kings 17:1 (CJB) it says,

Eliyahu [Elijah] from Tishbe, an inhabitant of Gil‘ad, said to Ach’av [Ahab], “As Adonai the God of Isra’el lives, before whom I stand, there will be neither rain nor dew in the years ahead unless I say so.”

This is a vow Eliyahu (Elijah) made to Ach’av (Ahab) the king of Israel. Notice Elijah says that there will be no rain or dew unless he says so. There is no record of God sending Elijah to the king to tell him this. Elijah did it on his own. God did give powerful gifts to Elijah – to use as He instructed – but Elijah took things into his own hands and decided what needed to be done. (Don’t we often do the same with our gifts and talents? Every Christian has been given spiritual gifts but I know I have at times used my gifts for my own glory or to seek worldly success.)

Elijah was trying to reshape Israel back into a kingdom that worshiped the God Almighty. He thought his wrath and attacks would do that. He thought that creating a drought and famine would get the people to recognize the one true God. Yet that’s not God’s way. If Elijah was in tune with God, and had been obedient, the efforts to turn Israel back to God would’ve coincided with God’s character. God’s plan has always been to change people’s course by showing mercy. Elijah missed that point.

So Elijah’s lack of success, his lack of obedience to God, and his working so hard and in dangerous situations, led to his burnout. We need to be praying for our pastors and missionaries (and anyone else in full time ministry for God’s sake). We need to pray they would know when to take time off. We also need to pray and work towards our individual churches knowing the importance of time off for our pastors and full time workers in ministry. And we need to give them, and not grudgingly, the time they need.

Dreams

The color was the deepest blue. The rays coming through the clouds dazzled my eyes. I was anticipating a great day. My life long companion was keeping step with me as we leisurely strolled through the crowd. Some were waiting in line and some were sitting and eating lunch. I couldn’t decide what to do first.

Out of nowhere, the sky became darkened and the clouds bunched together. They were ominous and my visions of a beautiful day rapidly dissolved. I instinctively turned to ask my husband what we should do, but he wasn’t there. Was this the beginning of a horror story? Looked around and everything was swirling around me. My feet lifted and set down but I did not know where to go or how to get there. Sheets of water were pummeling me so I took the first shelter I could find: a house of mirrors. I was swallowed up by the hallways, and when I turned around the entrance was no longer in my sight. There was screaming. Or was it in my head? My heart was galloping away within me. I tried to ask for help, but no one even turned to me when I tried to speak.

Then I was alone, running, ever running through the maze of mirrors, colliding headlong into panes of the silvery glass. My own reflection terrorized me; I thought it was a monster. After what seemed like hours, days, months I fell and was shaking. It was hopeless. I was trapped, alone. I reached for my purse with my diabetes supplies. It wasn’t there. In fact, I had no bag of any kind.

Where was my husband? Where was my protector? I withdrew inside myself; I don’t know how much time passed. Two men were grabbing me, forcing me to stand. I cried out for my companion, but he was not there. They forced me outside the maze then set me free. I was standing on hot black asphalt – an empty parking lot. I started running and screaming. I just knew my blood sugars were dropping with every step but I didn’t know what else to do. No money, no food, no credit card, no diabetes kit, and no phone. My face was wet, but it wasn’t raining anymore.

I sat up and heaved a sigh. Where was my husband? Lying beside me. I should’ve felt safe but didn’t.

That was a recurring dream I had often for many years. Sometimes in the dream (or should I call it a nightmare?) I would run helter-skelter through a shopping mall or a mountain resort looking for my husband. I felt that he had left me and didn’t care what happened to me. I was tormented by the thought, even once I was awake.

In talking with my therapist about these dreams, I came to realize that they were reflecting my thoughts and feelings about the world. I felt alone. I felt there was no one willing to help me. These dreams happened during the time I was struggling the most with my bipolar disorder and was convinced that nobody was going to stay by me or cared what happened to me.

I cannot remember having such a dream in a few years. My waking hours are crowded with people who care about me and are here to help me. And, I accept that love and concern. I’m thinking, as my recovery is ongoing, I have become less afraid of people leaving me. I’m especially more confident that my husband would not only never leave me, but he won’t leave me even for a short while without making sure I have what I need to survive (mentally and physically) while he’s gone. I am also more confident in myself and generally can appropriately take care of myself.

God created us to have dreams to tell us something. In Genesis 40, God gave the king’s deposed cupbearer and baker dreams. They also needed help to “interpret” them. Joseph enters the scene and gives them both an interpretation. My dreams, hopefully, do not reflect a future for me as the cupbearer’s and baker’s did, but enlighten my past and my present. And sometimes they are just bizarre things my mind comes up with during sleep. 

Opposite to Emotion Action

Last week I talked about how we need to continually be doing God’s commands in order to be walking with Him. I defined what it means to believe, that it involves action. In discussing 1 Kings 8 further with my Bible study partner this week, I saw some further insights into that. This past weekend my Bible study partner’s pastor talked about the difference between believing and faith. He used an illustration of a chair. Believing the chair will hold us is only the start. We have to actually, by faith, sit in the chair.

The pastor went onto explain that in the gospel of John, every time the word “faith” is used it is a verb, an action. It is not passive and just a thing (noun). Some kind of action is always required. In Hebrews 11 there is a long list of people who had faith, but every time the word faith is used, it is followed by the action the people took. For instance, verse 4 says, “By faith Abel offered to God a better sacrifice than Cain.” And in verse 8, “By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going.” The whole chapter is filled with faith being attributed to people who acted. It’s not enough to “believe;” we need to act in faith according to God’s commands.

Switching gears, let’s return to 1 Kings 8 and look at Solomon’s prayer to God at the dedication of the Temple. Starting in verse 27, Solomon prays many truths on behalf of the people of Israel; however, Solomon did not pretend to have God figured out. While man can choose to do opposites, God has no opposites. He is all knowing, and He cannot be unknowing. Basically, God is not within the scope of human understanding. The more we try to describe Him using characteristics we understand, the more we diminish Him. He is not bound by the characteristics of mere humans. In addition, we have no rights to ask the “Why?” question of God. We wouldn’t understand the answers even if He deemed us worthy to know them.

As I contemplated this, I realized just how human I am. I am a mixed up, muddled, bundle of opposites. I can be angry and at peace. I can want to live and want to die. I can be happy and sad. For everything in my character, there is a corresponding opposite. This is so unlike God, but realizing this is true, I have options for how I feel and think and behave.

As part of my recovery from mental illness, I’ve learned some skills for coping with emotions. These skills come from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a therapy model that addresses many of the thinking issues I have as a bipolar person. One of these skills is called Opposite to Emotion Action. This reinforces that I have choices to behave or think in an opposite way to my negative, frightening, grief-stricken ways. Of course, my feelings are still valid and give me good information about myself, but I can stay with those emotions for a little while, and then choose to act opposite to how I’m feeling. It’s not a permanent solution – because I am a person of opposites, but there’s relief for a time. Doing this allows me to feel productive and ultimately gives me hope that things will be better.

While God has no opposites, He understands my opposites. Believing in and acting in faith to follow His commands, is the best opposite I can do. That is one reason I praise God – recognizing that I don’t really understand all there is about God, but it points me in the right direction. What opposite action do we need to do today? And, how can I humbly, knowing I don’t really understand God, praise Him today?

Don't Give Up

Mental health issues are a big part of my life. Lately I’ve been feeling the effects of my cycling patterns with my bipolar disorder, the changing of the seasons, having less daylight, and various life events. I’m depressed.

I’ve searched and prayed for permanent answers so I don’t have to deal with these aspects of myself. I’ve tried to believe that God expects us to be happy all the time. (Notice, I said “happy.” That is distinctly different from the joy I have in knowing Christ and looking forward to the fruition of His eternal promises.) I am coming to a point of acceptance that happiness is just an emotion like any other, and it will come and go from time to time. Just like I should not expect anger, loneliness, or despair to totally disappear from my life as a human being, I cannot expect that happiness will be a constant. God did not create us as robots. He gave us emotions for a reason – I’d say, for information – that we are better able to know Him and serve Him. I can’t say I have it all figured out yet, and probably will not as long as I walk on the earth. I can learn to deal with them in appropriate ways, and I get tremendous help from the Scriptures.

That said, I read Luke 18:1-8 for my Quiet Time one morning this week. This passage is the parable of the judge that was worn down by the repeated appearance and requests of a widow woman. Luke’s narration in the first verse, which introduces the parable, challenged me. I had just written down on my “emotions chart” for my therapist that the primary emotion for the last week has been “discouraged.” Then I read the passage and verse one summarized one of my problems right now. In the Amplified Bible it says,

"Now Jesus was telling the disciples a parable to make the point that at all times they ought to pray and not give up and lose heart,” 

Other versions say “never quit” (MSG) and “faint” (KJV). So I looked up “faint” in Abingdon’s Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible (this resource is keyed to the King James Version of the Bible and gives the exact Hebrew (Old Testament) or Greek (New Testament) word with a brief definition).  The Greek word is “ékkakéo.” Strong’s indicates this means “to be bad or weak, to fail (in heart):-faint, be weary.” Looking for more synonyms, I used W.E. Vine’s An Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words: “To lack courage, lose heart, be fainthearted.” I think those words imply that we can do something about the situation to avoid staying discouraged. Note in verse one it says we need to pray at all times, frequently, consistently, and always, depending on the translation. Further, I think it means we are to expect God to answer because He wants to answer. The parable tells of a widow who wore down a civil judge (who did not fear God), and although he didn’t really want to give in to the woman’s request, he did. We don’t even have to try and wear God down. He wants us to ask Him and He wants to answer us, but He wants us to ask Him. He’s just waiting for us to ask (see John 16:24).

So, next on my agenda is to try and figure out what the discouragement is about and pray, and pray again as I encounter discouragement during my days. Figuring out what the discouragement is about will be difficult so my prayer might just be “Help me in my discouragement.” By laying my troubles at Jesus’ feet through prayer, His peace will come over me, even if five minutes later I have to pray again (Philippians 4:6-7).

Unnoticed Progress

I often forget about a short verse in one of the letters that Paul wrote, but this week I had cause in a couple of ways to remember it and be thankful. I will explain.

Philippians 1:6 says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Sometimes it’s very hard to see the changes in our lives that God is orchestrating. This last week as I’m editing and reviewing the first edition of my book, The Tootsie Roll Lady: a memoir of mental illness, alcoholism and faith, I discovered that God has been keeping true to this promise in my life. I also saw it happening in the life of our daughter. She woke up on Sunday morning to discover that her relatively new moped was stolen. I heard a calm, organized voice on the phone explaining to me how angry she was. She was ready to buy a baseball bat and begin searching Kalamazoo for her precious possession. However, she didn’t do that. She called the police and filed a report.

Her voice dripped with tears and anger sputtered out from the sides. But she was able to manage. A few years ago, an event like this would have quite possibly caused a complete meltdown.

As for me, I was fast approaching the meltdown and a relapse into some self-destructive behaviors. Hopeless. Useless. Powerless. Angry. Devasted. Overwhelming sadness. I desperately and impulsively swung my thoughts towards self-harm. It was intense. Like I haven’t felt in several years. I gripped onto the one sane thought I had, and frantically texted my therapist. She just calmly asked me what I should do if I used my “wise mind” (a DBT Therapy strategy). I turned my thoughts away from the emotions I was feeling for a time and turned to being available for my daughter.

I saw the effects of God-caused (and willing participation on both my daughter’s and my parts) growth. Neither of us reacted impulsively as we would have in the past. Neither of us shut down our emotions until they came out sideways in some unhealthy manner. Neither of us cowered down in darkness and pretended it didn’t happen. All changes.

I look forward to seeing how God continues to accomplish good work in our lives. And I’m so very thankful for the progress we’ve been able to make. He is perfecting us. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

By the way . . . the moped was recovered Monday morning!

Healthy Choices

Another deviation from 2 Samuel.

Making healthy decisions on a regular basis can be overwhelming. Historically, I’m not very good at making the healthy choices. From childhood ineffective coping skills, including making decisions to try and protect myself, are ingrained in my thoughts. The goal is to adjust and change my thinking, my reactions, and my behaviors to more effective, more mature, more balanced thinking.

Becoming better at choosing healthy (mentally, physically, and emotionally) actions is the process of becoming an adult. At first, I didn’t even know my thoughts were “child-like.” They were all I knew and not having examples of other ways of thinking, those were the only thoughts I was familiar with. The thoughts and corresponding behaviors did protect me and help me cope as a child, but as an adult they are ineffective. They are in many cases self-destructive.

Change. What’s the process of changing and learning new ways? I thought you just started doing things differently. That’s part of the process, but that is usually the final step in the process. First, I have to recognize the ineffective, dysfunctional thought or action. For instance, when it comes to losing weight, I have tried many things and the results were not beneficial to me. In one sense I knew they worked for losing weight, but in another, the rest of my body and mind was being hurt. My therapist (and I guess I also do now) identified the unhealthy thinking about losing weight as an Eating Disorder (ED for short). So the first step in making “adult” decisions is to recognize and acknowledge the ED thought or behavior. Sometimes, this happens after the poor behavior has already been executed. But it’s a place to start.

Second, I have to argue against or convince myself to think differently. The behavior will not change without an active, logical thought to control it. Sounds easy? It hasn’t been the case for me. Sometimes I don’t know or can’t determine what a healthy thought would be. Through therapy, we talk about these things and come up with alternative possibilities, which I sometimes remember and sometimes don’t (so I ask for help). So, when ED thoughts are identified, I can counter them with the idea of living a healthy lifestyle as the goal (not to lose weight).

Third, I have to determine to choose to engage in the healthy thought and/or do the healthy behavior – not every time but one situation at a time. With ED, it means choosing foods that are healthy for me, or choosing a walk instead of eating an unneeded snack. This usually involves a bit of arguing with myself. Keeping the argument short is a key to making the right choice. The longer the argument goes on, the less likely I am to choose the healthy thing. (I just give up, saying to myself, “I’m never going to change” which is another unhealthy thought and urge to deal with.)

The last part of the process involves repeated success at choosing the “adult healthy” option. Do it enough and a new pattern forms in our brains replacing the old patterns. At first, choosing the beneficial option may not happen every time (it may not ever happen every time), but the more often that choice is made, the easier it becomes to make and the more automatic it will become.

Someday, you will realize that the old pattern interrupts your life infrequently and you have changed. 

Recovery Thoughts

This week I’m deviating from the series on 2 Samuel for my blog article. As I was reviewing some journal entries and emails to my friend from 2007, I discovered a few things. Some positive areas in my life and some areas where much work is still needed. Today I’m going to share with you how things have changed in my mental health since 2007.

First, a little background. I’m an insulin dependent diabetic. In the early stages of my recovery I desperately wanted to lose weight. Desperately. So desperately that I was willing to forfeit my health for that single cause. So I misused my insulin because the less insulin the more the body relies on burning fat for energy. As a result, my blood sugars were way above the normal, desirable range and probably causing damage to my kidneys, eyes, brain, and other areas of my body. But, as I said, I wanted to desperately lose weight. That plan of action was dysfunctional to say the least, and ultimately deadly. It landed me in the medical hospital at least two times (always followed by a stay at the mental hospital). The imbalances in my blood sugars also created aggravation to my mental illness, and I would become irrational and take on risky behaviors. And I was frequently uncooperative.

So that’s the background. 2007 was smack-dap in the middle of those years. I was manipulating my insulin dosing and it was a constant battle with my husband, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my diabetes care team as they tried to get me to comply with their guidelines for caring for myself. It’s different now. I can’t remember the last time I thought about manipulating my insulin with the goal of losing weight in mind. That’s a significant milestone in my recovery.

My focus now is working towards having a healthy lifestyle. That involves careful diabetes management, increasing exercise, eating healthily, and taking my meds (the psych meds and the medical meds) as prescribed. None of those things were being taken care of in 2007.

Second, in 2007 I was just learning about certain aspects of my mental illness. I was fragmented with different aspects of my personality acting independently from the others. I have gotten to a point where I’m aware of the aspects of my emotional life and am better able to look at situations from a whole person perspective.

Third, self-harming urges and behaviors (including suicidal ideation) are much more manageable. In fact, both self-harm and suicide have become almost non-issues. Many years of looking for escapes from dealing with stressful situations in my life have influenced my thought patterns. But now, when the thoughts come (and they rarely do anymore), I can easily dismiss them and look for other ways to cope with the stressors in my life. A big part of this change happened in 2017 when I got a diagnosis of cancer. I suddenly realized that I wanted to live, that I have much to live for, and that, with my therapist’s and friends’ help, I can find other ways to cope in previously hopeless situations. I no longer need to escape my feelings or thoughts; I just work through them.

I don’t know if these changes seem significant to you or not, but to me they are huge. While there are still areas to work on including living a healthy lifestyle and unifying all aspects of my personality, I’m able to pursue those activities because I’m not looking for a way out of the struggles and I’m not distracted by them from getting to core issues. I’m rejoicing in the work God has done in my life. Maybe you can rejoice with me, too.

He Is With Us Wherever We Go

Last week in 2 Samuel 7, I touched on how God is not stuck in a temple. The other nations of the Middle East thought their gods had power limited to their nation’s boundaries. If their gods were going to go with them to battle, they would have to carry a statue with them. David made some assumptions that the same is true of his God. So David desired to build a temple to “put God in.”

God corrected David by saying He was never in a temple before and that the tabernacle did not need to be present for David and his armies to be successful in battle. It seems like David may have learned something about that. We see in 2 Samuel 8 David’s conquest of many different nations. David recognizes that God went with the armies wherever they went. At the end of verse 14 it is recorded that, “ADONAI gave victory to David wherever he went” (CJB).

I found it interesting to me, during my current emotional downturn, that David traveled far and wide from Jerusalem in his war campaigns. David’s assignment from God was to physically subjugate all the original areas of the Promised Land to rule under one king. David’s objective was to create a united kingdom ruling over all the territories God promised Israel when they came to the Promised Land. And, so God was with him and working wonders in David’s life (as seen in the Psalms David wrote) and through David’s life for the benefit of all 12 tribes of Israel.

Today my battles are different. Most are tied up in my mental illness and other issues I face on a daily basis. Whether I’m sinking into a depression with the lethargy and lack of motivation, or zooming into a mania with its irrationality and irritability, I need to take the message in this chapter to heart: God is with me wherever I go. And the victory is His just as it was in David’s battles.

I need to recognize that God has already won victory for me. It says in John 16:33 (where Jesus is talking to His disciples shortly before His arrest), “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world” (NASB). He has overcome all the problems and situations this world can throw at me, and I may have peace as a result. Dropping everything going on in my thoughts down before Jesus, I can find that peace. It takes practice, but when I’m able to get my heart and mind into trusting Jesus, peace does come.

Hills and Valleys

Where are my keys? Did I take my medicines this morning? What was I supposed to get at the grocery store? Do I have to make dinner? Do I have to make that phone call to the doctor’s office? Do I have to deal with the insurance company? Can I wait until tomorrow to work on the book? Can I wait until tomorrow to write a blog article? Can I just take a nap? Why am I so distracted? Why do we have to decorate for Christmas? Do I have to wrap presents? Do I have to feel these feelings?

Those are the questions flying around my head recently. I haven’t felt like doing any of those things – except the nap – and I know I have to anyway. There are other things I’m having trouble enjoying that I usually get great pleasure from. Everything is beginning to feel like a chore. Ever been in this place?

For me these questions are warning signs. Bright flashing yellow lights. They are the signs that a valley is approaching in my life. I’ve been enjoying a mountaintop with the beautiful sights and closeness to God. Now, I realize that I’m sliding down the side of the mountain and have some choices to make. I may not be able to prevent the sliding (my bipolar disorder will cause me to make swings in moods – often without my being able to do anything psychologically, physically, emotionally and, even, spiritually to prevent them).

My pastor recently shared from the book of Habakkuk in the Bible. Habakkuk experienced the let downs of feeling distant and alone, separated from God. Habakkuk felt God was letting the whole nation of Israel down. He felt God was letting wickedness to prevail. And he railed at God to do something about it.

Then God says, in verse 5, “Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days – You would not believe if you were told.” The point for me is that even in the midst of what seem like terrible times, God is at work. I just can’t see everything He’s doing. I can’t see how He’s going to use the current situation for His glory. I need to rest assured that He is at work carrying out His promises. I also need to be praising Him and thanking Him for what is to come. This is where my hope comes from each and every day.

Boundaries and Counselors

There were many lessons and applications to be had in 1 Samuel 14. I found two, with the help of a commentator, in the first several verses. One was about how God sets boundaries on the enemies we face. The other was about surrounding ourselves with people who will tell us what we need to know and not just what we want to hear.

The first thoughts came from the commentary by Matthew Henry as introduction to chapter 14. The Israelites had been holding back from the battle with the Philistines, partly because of Saul’s timidity and partly because Saul was left with only about 600 men. The other men (part of a 3,000 strong army) had deserted and hidden in the nearby mountains. The Philistines could have easily routed the Israelites. Why didn’t the Philistines attack?

The answer may be more complicated, but we cannot dismiss God’s role in this. God sets the boundaries. He held back the Philistines from attacking. God was protecting Israel from the enemy. Henry went on to say it’s the same for us today: “Invisible power sets bounds to the malice of the church’s enemies.” Reflecting on my life, I see that principle played out in my own life in various ways. One way has to do with my enemy of suicidal ideation. Thinking about and planning for suicide, at one time in my life, was a regular activity. I even attempted a few times. Some people might say I wasn’t serious about it or I’d have managed to actually die. Looking at the principles in this opening to 1 Samuel 14, I see that God was setting and holding the boundaries. He just would not let me die. The enemy was lurking, but God held it back and protected me.

This brings me to the second lesson and application. In verse three, we are told that Ahijah, a descendent of Eli (under whose tutorage Samuel was raised) was acting as a high priest. The problem with this is that Ahijah was not from the Levite family God designated to be the high priests, just as Eli had not been. Saul preferred Ahijah to Samuel. Henry, in his commentary, gives a possible reason for this, and it’s a reason or excuse many people still give for not choosing to listen to wise counsel. Saul wanted a high priest that would listen to him and do what he said. Saul sought someone who would tell him what he wanted to hear. From previous encounters with Samuel, Saul knew Samuel would not do this, but would confront him and reprove him according to God’s designs and will. Saul did not like what Samuel had to say.

I have fallen prey to this deception. I have sought out people I thought would agree with me. Making decisions based on what I wanted to hear often led to more trouble and struggles. At one point in my recovery from my mental illness, I decided to seek out wise and godly counsel hoping for better results. I did not like what my doctors and therapists had to say most of the time. They challenged me and confronted me and urged me to change the way I acted and thought. I did not fully trust them. It was often uncomfortable, however, as a result of heeding their wise instructions, I began to recover and my mental illness stabilized. Today, I may not like or agree with what my therapist and psychiatrist want me to do, but I do what they suggest anyway and am led back to right thinking, right living, and a right relationship with God.

Anxiety and Trust

This week’s blog is going to deviate from the series on 1 Samuel. Due to a complicated life filled with trips to pick up and take back a daughter to college, a wedding shower, shopping and baking for the wedding shower, and dealing with a medical issue I did not have time to do my normal Bible study. It would’ve been on 1 Samuel 12, but that will have to wait until next week.

I am struggling with bucketfuls of anxiety these days. Due to my husband’s recent retirement, we have new medical insurance. I am very thankful we have a good retirement insurance plan, but it’s not great like the insurance we had before retirement. Thus there are some issues, which, at this point, are not being resolved in a favorable manner. I am working with my doctor to come up with alternate solutions, but it’s a slow process, and time is running out before things might turn into living in a hot frying pan.

Praise is my solution to my anxiety in this situation. Giving glory to God, recognizing Him for Who He is, has been a way to relieve the paralyzing fear and worry. This is what David faithfully did as shown in many of his Psalms. Those Psalms indicate David was worried, afraid, lonely, unsure, and facing trouble. David spoke to God about all these concerns even to the point of tears and suicidal depression. God wants us to bring all our concerns before Him; however, like David, He also wants us to look at the bigger picture remembering the obstacles God has overcome in the past and remembering His promises that He will do so again. We see that bigger picture when we praise God.

So in my attitude and posture, I bow before God and share all my struggles with Him (of course, He already knows all about what’s going on and is already working to see His plans come to fruition). I find myself acting and thinking like David. I just did it in the last sentence: I remember the truth about God and trust Him in each situation. I’m able to relax and find peace when I do it. Most often the peace does not last very long, sometimes only 10 minutes. The solution is to take notice again of God’s greatness and love by praising Him.

I am far from having this down pat. It is something I try to practice and I surround myself with people who remind me to stop, relax, praise God, and experience His peace. Someone is not always around; so then I rely on the Holy Spirit to nudge me in the direction of pausing and praising.

I will end these thoughts and stop and praise God, to gain peace in this moment. Maybe I will be able to concentrate for a time on some productive activity as a result of that peace.

Turning to God: Acts 20:1-16

Several thoughts came to mind while studying this section of Acts. And, it just so happens, my Quiet Time (based on the Our Daily Bread guide), also addressed some of these same issues. Primarily, the thoughts were about turning to God in times of struggle.

Just like David, Paul had trials and tribulations to deal with. Some of the struggles were from without. In David’s case, these without struggles were often about trying to deal with the death threats and persecution from King Saul. Paul’s struggles were often with the non-believing Jews he encountered on his various missionary journeys; they wanted to kill him and squash his message. I have external conflicts I have to deal with also. And, like David and Paul, when I turn to God and try to do things in a way pleasing to Him, sometimes things get better and sometimes things get worse. We can’t control what other people do or say in response to us no matter how kind and compassionate we tried to be. In those situations, my peace comes from knowing that my salvation is not reliant upon the actions of other people. It’s dependant only upon God’s love for me and my response to Him.

However, both David and Paul had their inside struggles to deal with. These internal struggles seem to be conflict with who they are and who they want to be. Those struggles often lead to what appears to be a depressed state in both of those leaders. I can also relate to those struggles. I like Psalm 30:1-5, one of David’s songs to God, because it talks about how we may feel we are without hope, but then there’s God:

I will extol Thee, O Lord, for Thou hast lifted me up,

And hast not let my enemies rejoice over me.

O Lord my God,

I cried to Thee for help, and Thou didst heal me.

O Lord, Thou hast brought up my soul from Sheol;

Thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones,

And give thanks to His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment,

His favor is for a lifetime;

Weeping may last for the night,

But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

David says he was in a state where he needed help and healing. He felt his soul was in Sheol (Hell) and he was afraid he would go down to the pit if it weren’t for God’s hand on his life. He indicates that weeping was a part of his life. Yet, despite his depression thoughts and feelings, he knew the remedy was to turn to God. He says that God has kept him alive, that God has healed him. And he focuses his attention on God. He sings praise to the Lord and gives thanks to His holy name.

In Acts 20, we find a situation where Paul also may have been feeling alone, afraid, in the pit, and there were times of weeping (Acts 20:19 says, “. . . serving the Lord with all humility and with tears . . .”). It is speculated by several commentators the Paul experienced depression, yet he kept proclaiming the message of Christ in the midst of that. At one point in Acts 20 (verse 13) Paul chooses to go by land while the rest of his team went by ship to a designated place of meeting. There are lots of possible reasons why Paul decided to do this, none of which are explained in the Scriptures. However, I like what Spurgeon had to say about this walk: “A quiet lonely walk of twenty miles suited Paul, it would give him space for prayer and meditation, and help him to shake off some of the depression which had gathered over his mind while he waited in Philippi. Those who labor much for the Lord must have their times of retirement for self-examination, prayer, communion with God, and preparation for future efforts.” Again, I want to say that we don’t know why Paul, in this particular situation, decided to go by land because the Scriptures don’t explain it. However, I like to think Paul was communing with God and praising Him (as David did when he was down).

I see that as the way out of my depressions. When I get my eyes set on Jesus’ sacrifice and God’s great power, I feel loved and cared for. That goes a long way towards lifting the depression, at least for a period of time. Then it’s good for me to keep praising God and giving thanks for His compassion, love and care for me, each day to maintain a spirit of hope. It works for me if I let it. Maybe it can work for you.

Positive Changes

Due to factors beyond our control, my Bible study partner and I agreed to skip a week and pick up in Acts 16 next week. So, I thought I’d just write a short piece about what I’m thankful for. Mostly, lately, it’s been a thankfulness for how I’ve changed.

I’m starting to work on my second book, a sequel to the memoir I published in 2009. So I pick up the story in late 2005 and plan on covering the next few years in my recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I’m learning some things about myself, things I haven’t noticed because the change has taken place over time. I’ve grown and I am recovering (even if it will take a lifelong treatment plan).

One thing I noticed is how, back in 2006, I was still experimenting with not being compliant in taking my medicines as prescribed by my various doctors. I would make adjustments on my own and when things started to fall apart, it would become clear to my health care providers. I would eventually admit my “experimentation, ” but it would often be too late for easy fixes and I’d find myself in the mental hospital. I wasn’t doing it as often as I did in my early recovery, but I was still doing it.

I don’t do that anymore. Just this week, I felt like the combination of sleep medicines I was taking, might be contributing to a grogginess I was feeling in the mornings. I was having trouble getting up and going in the mornings. The thought went through my mind to just take less of the meds. Instead of starting that on my own, I called my therapist, and then, at the therapist’s suggestion, I called the psychiatrist’s office. It took a day and a half of waiting, but the doctor’s office called me back and said I could reduce a med, the one I was planning on taking less of, in small increments until I was down to 1/3 of what I had been taking. However, she also cautioned to monitor my sleep to make sure I was still getting seven to nine hours each night.

That’s just one obvious change that shows that I’m growing and developing healthier coping skills. There were many other incidents in my journals and emails to my best friend from 2007 that reinforce change in my thinking and behavior. For those changes I am truly thankful to God, my sponsors, my therapist(s), and my psychiatrist(s).

Laughter

I don’t laugh enough. Not for my mental health and, according to some research, not enough for my physical health, either. According to a recent reading in Joy Breaks: 90 Devotions to Celebrate, Simplify, and Add Laughter to Your Life [Clairmont, Johnson, Meberg, Swindoll], laughter is also good for our spiritual health.

The physiological effects of laughing are similar to the physiological effects of exercise. It increases the heart rate, raises blood pressure, stretches muscles in the face and throughout the body, and causes us to breath more quickly sending oxygen to our brains. [Web MD] All those things are good for our physical health. Laughter also burns calories – not enough to give up the stationary bike, but if done enough and for lengths of time, it aids in burning calories. One study showed that laughter raised the heart rate after one minute of laughing as much as 10 minutes of aerobic exercise. I know it stretches muscles because at times (mostly in the distant past) I’ve laughed so hard and so long that the muscles in my abdomen hurt the next day.

The mental effects are readily apparent. While laughing, it is hard to be depressed or angry. The increased oxygen flow may account for the clearer thinking I seem to have after a good laugh. I have a different perspective on the happenings in my world after some belly laughs. I’m able to be more alert and attentive to others after a good laugh. I’m less tired emotionally, too. I seem to have more capacity for other people in my life. Maybe that’s a product of the good feelings I get from laughing with other people. When I’ve been in the mental hospital, the therapists would sometimes try to get us laughing or concentrating on something besides our problems. Amazingly, the problems seemed less important, at least while we were doing something else. Whatever the case, I’ve noticed a change in my mental status after laughing.

The spiritual effects of laughing are talked about in Scripture. Proverbs 17:22 talks about having a joyful heart. It says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones.” [NASB] And even Job was told, “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, And your lips with shouting.” [Job 8:22] Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there’s “A time to weep, and a time to laugh.” And, what is there to be so joyful about? “what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also, that you also may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father , and with His Son Jesus Christ. And these things we write, so that our joy may be made complete.” [1 John 1:3-4] The fellowship and salvation offered to us by God is reason enough to rejoice and be happy. And laughter is a natural outpouring of great joy.

I’ve been trying to develop a “laugh lifestyle” (Marilyn Meberg) – a lifestyle that is firmly rooted in the joy of Christ. Marilyn’s prayer at the end of one devotion in the book reads as follows: “Lord Jesus, without you our laughter would quickly become hollow and meaninglessness. But you give us reason for being, you give us significance in being, and you fill our being with the awesome assurance that we have been cleansed and forgiven of all sin. Because of the cross, we have been reconciled to you for now and all eternity. Because of that truth we do indeed break forth with rejoicing and shouts of joy. Amen.” If I can keep these truths in mind, laughter will come more easily.

Feeling My Feelings

Last week I wrote about having Scriptural permission to feel my feelings. This week I had a realization that it really is okay to feel my feelings. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding my feelings by numbing out in one way or another, refusing to acknowledge the feelings that came up in my life. It’s something that started in my childhood when there were consequences for feeling my feelings, or at least expressing them. I discovered the best way to not express my feelings was to just not feel them. So I learned to escape them.

However, not feeling our feelings is not really an option. Trying to avoid the feelings is a battle and creates an inner struggle with oneself. In my case, it became a struggle between drinking and not drinking. It also became a struggle in my personality. Parts of me were feeling whether I acknowledged it or not. Throughout my recovery, I’ve had thoughts that allowing myself to feel might be easier than avoiding the emotions. However, those glimpses were short-lived and I usually was more afraid of the perceived possible consequences that of the struggles within.

As part of my therapy homework, I was writing down the various emotions I started to feel in a notebook. After the brief acknowledgement of the feeling, only long enough to write it down, I’d close the notebook and proceed with not feeling and going about my day. One day as I was doing that, I realized that I kept writing down the same emotions over and over with slight variations: Fear, anxious, frustration, sad, bored, discouraged. There were occasionally different feelings written down: Happy, proud, satisfied/content. I had allowed myself to feel these things and nothing bad had happened. There were no horrific or painful consequences. And, I had withstood them, albeit in small doses, and not fallen completely apart or died.

That discovery has given me courage to face my feelings and possibly learn to deal with them in more healthy ways (denying, ignoring, or suppressing them is not healthy). This discovery doesn’t take away my first response to the feelings. I still get afraid and don’t like to sit with the feelings very long. It’s a habit to not have anything to do with my feelings, so that’s where my thoughts go first. Yet, as I allow myself to experience the feelings more, I may learn to feel more things, including positive things. I may even find joy.

Sleep

I have trouble with my sleep patterns. This is partially due to a variety of medical issues ranging from my bipolar disorder to low blood sugars in the middle of the night. The problem is that when I have interrupted sleep or can’t fall asleep, the quality of my sleep is greatly lessened. Unfortunately for me that means that my bipolar disorder will probably cause a swing in my mood to a more manic stage. This often happens during the late fall, early winter parts of the year.

It’s been happening this year, again. So, with the advice of my psychiatrist’s office, I’ve been adjusting some of my medicines to try and counteract the trend and return me to getting good, quality sleep instead of interrupted or shortened sleep each night. However, there is a side effect of increasing the sleeping med. I feel groggy in the mornings and don’t get moving toward accomplishing my goals for each day.

In this struggle, I was reminded of Proverbs 3:24 which says, “When you lie down, you will not be afraid; When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.” Quite frankly, as bedtime approaches each day, I am afraid. I’m afraid I won’t sleep. I’m afraid I won’t feel awake and rested in the morning. I’m afraid I will have nightmares. I’m afraid I won’t wake up in the middle of the night if I need to in order to eat something to raise low blood sugars. I’m afraid I won’t hear the smoke detector if there was a fire.

How do I get past those fears? I pray. It’s the only possible solution to this problem which seems so out of my control. And it’s the only thing I can do to get my mind off all the things that make me afraid about going to sleep. When I pray, I recognize who God is and how He’s looking over me to protect me from all the things I fear. I don’t think my fears are unfounded or fantastical. But they are things I do not worry about once I place them in God’s hands. And as a result, my sleep is sweeter than it would be without the prayer.

Now if there was such an easy solution to feeling awake when the morning comes, many of my daytime problems would also go away.

The Professionals in my Life

Last week I said I was going to talk about thankfulness this week. As I contemplate the holiday and my life, I grateful for many things in my life. However, one category of thankfulness stood out to me: The Professionals in my life.

The facts are that I have many mental and physical aspects of my life that require some professional help. I think that most of the time I take these people for granted. However, after a recent AA meeting, I was talking to some people about the mental health and medical care available to us in the United States. There are some areas that lack expertise (like child and adolescent psychiatrists), but there are many options available also. In that vein, I want to express my thankfulness for the health insurance my husband is able to have through his job. It’s not perfect for all my needs but without it my out-of-pocket costs would really hinder the amount and type of care available to me.

The first professional that comes to mind when I am being thankful is my therapist. She is knowledgeable about my types of mental illness and is able to devise strategies for dealing with them in productive ways. She’s also patient with me when I struggle to apply these strategies or refuse to apply them to my life on a daily basis. I try not to let that happen regularly, but it does happen. I think part of her patience comes from the fact that she really cares about me, and my recovery. I think she cares beyond what she has to to be an effective therapist. I think that comes from the influence God and her Christian beliefs has on her counseling and her life. I’m so thankful that God provided someone whose belief system mirrors my own. She is able to bring Christian principles and Scriptural advice into our counseling sessions and she usually does. There aren’t words to describe how thankful I am for this professional in my life.

As I wait for a call from my psychiatrist’s office (to hopefully help me with the lack of sleep issues I’m experiencing right now), I’m thankful for that service, also. There are many psychiatrists, but I believe God led me to the right one for me. She really cares about me and has made herself interested in my wellbeing. She has been willing to work with me to properly treat my mental illness even when things are not going well. I think I’m much better off with her as part of my healthcare team than without her. She has really got to know me, and the courses of my illness and is sensitive to my beliefs. She is also sensitive to the self-knowledge I have and often asks me what I think and feel about various courses of treatment for the symptoms of my illness.

There are other professionals I’m thankful for: my internist, the diabetes specialists, the eye doctor(s), and my dentist. All of them have played major roles in my healthcare. They have been responsive to my various needs without copping any attitudes or being condescending.

So this Thanksgiving I’m being thankful for the people in my life and today I’m focusing on the professionals. Underlying all my thankfulness is the knowledge that God loves me and has provided for all these people to be a part of my life.

Just Some Thoughts

I’ve been sitting at my computer for an hour hoping an idea will just pop into my head. No such luck. Sometimes the well is just dry. Usually I can go to the Word and find some inspiration, something I have enough to say about so that I can write 400-700 words about for my blog article. Today that didn’t happen, even after some time praying about it and writing an email to a friend.

I did read from my list of promises (one for every day of the year) and the corresponding Scripture passage. The promise said, “I will be the voice behind you, guiding you in the way you should go.” This promise is based on Isaiah 30:21 which says, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” This was a promise to the Israelites, but I think Jesus made us similar promises. For instance, He promised that the Holy Spirit will dwell within us prompting us to make good choices. So possibly this promise is a good principle which does apply to us New Testament believers.

I wish my ears heard an audible word from God or the Holy Spirit, telling me exactly what I should do in each situation that comes up in my life. I have to accept the reality of that not happening (although God could communicate with me that way if He wanted to). So that’s why I try to keep myself reading portions of Scripture, having daily devotions, and working on Bible study on a regular basis. Usually God speaks to me through the messages in His written Word.

However, lately I’ve had trouble hearing God communicate with me. The primary reason is that I’m not devoting myself to the study of the Scriptures. I know I should make a concerted effort to get back into the routine, but emotionally and mentally I’m just not motivated to do so. Maybe by telling on myself, I will be motivated to be a little more consistent in doing those things. Maybe not. As I write this article, I pray for all my readers that they will be motivated and diligent in “meeting with God” on a daily basis. I know that when I’m not hearing God’s message, it’s because I haven’t been reading His Word. If you are not hearing God, maybe it’s because you are not reading His Word, either.

Okay, so there were some thoughts from me today. I hope they encourage you. Maybe by next week I will have a more developed topic in mind to write about. That will probably happen if I keep faithful to the various ways I read and study the Scriptures.