Recovery Thoughts

This week I’m deviating from the series on 2 Samuel for my blog article. As I was reviewing some journal entries and emails to my friend from 2007, I discovered a few things. Some positive areas in my life and some areas where much work is still needed. Today I’m going to share with you how things have changed in my mental health since 2007.

First, a little background. I’m an insulin dependent diabetic. In the early stages of my recovery I desperately wanted to lose weight. Desperately. So desperately that I was willing to forfeit my health for that single cause. So I misused my insulin because the less insulin the more the body relies on burning fat for energy. As a result, my blood sugars were way above the normal, desirable range and probably causing damage to my kidneys, eyes, brain, and other areas of my body. But, as I said, I wanted to desperately lose weight. That plan of action was dysfunctional to say the least, and ultimately deadly. It landed me in the medical hospital at least two times (always followed by a stay at the mental hospital). The imbalances in my blood sugars also created aggravation to my mental illness, and I would become irrational and take on risky behaviors. And I was frequently uncooperative.

So that’s the background. 2007 was smack-dap in the middle of those years. I was manipulating my insulin dosing and it was a constant battle with my husband, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my diabetes care team as they tried to get me to comply with their guidelines for caring for myself. It’s different now. I can’t remember the last time I thought about manipulating my insulin with the goal of losing weight in mind. That’s a significant milestone in my recovery.

My focus now is working towards having a healthy lifestyle. That involves careful diabetes management, increasing exercise, eating healthily, and taking my meds (the psych meds and the medical meds) as prescribed. None of those things were being taken care of in 2007.

Second, in 2007 I was just learning about certain aspects of my mental illness. I was fragmented with different aspects of my personality acting independently from the others. I have gotten to a point where I’m aware of the aspects of my emotional life and am better able to look at situations from a whole person perspective.

Third, self-harming urges and behaviors (including suicidal ideation) are much more manageable. In fact, both self-harm and suicide have become almost non-issues. Many years of looking for escapes from dealing with stressful situations in my life have influenced my thought patterns. But now, when the thoughts come (and they rarely do anymore), I can easily dismiss them and look for other ways to cope with the stressors in my life. A big part of this change happened in 2017 when I got a diagnosis of cancer. I suddenly realized that I wanted to live, that I have much to live for, and that, with my therapist’s and friends’ help, I can find other ways to cope in previously hopeless situations. I no longer need to escape my feelings or thoughts; I just work through them.

I don’t know if these changes seem significant to you or not, but to me they are huge. While there are still areas to work on including living a healthy lifestyle and unifying all aspects of my personality, I’m able to pursue those activities because I’m not looking for a way out of the struggles and I’m not distracted by them from getting to core issues. I’m rejoicing in the work God has done in my life. Maybe you can rejoice with me, too.