Feeling My Feelings

Last week I wrote about having Scriptural permission to feel my feelings. This week I had a realization that it really is okay to feel my feelings. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding my feelings by numbing out in one way or another, refusing to acknowledge the feelings that came up in my life. It’s something that started in my childhood when there were consequences for feeling my feelings, or at least expressing them. I discovered the best way to not express my feelings was to just not feel them. So I learned to escape them.

However, not feeling our feelings is not really an option. Trying to avoid the feelings is a battle and creates an inner struggle with oneself. In my case, it became a struggle between drinking and not drinking. It also became a struggle in my personality. Parts of me were feeling whether I acknowledged it or not. Throughout my recovery, I’ve had thoughts that allowing myself to feel might be easier than avoiding the emotions. However, those glimpses were short-lived and I usually was more afraid of the perceived possible consequences that of the struggles within.

As part of my therapy homework, I was writing down the various emotions I started to feel in a notebook. After the brief acknowledgement of the feeling, only long enough to write it down, I’d close the notebook and proceed with not feeling and going about my day. One day as I was doing that, I realized that I kept writing down the same emotions over and over with slight variations: Fear, anxious, frustration, sad, bored, discouraged. There were occasionally different feelings written down: Happy, proud, satisfied/content. I had allowed myself to feel these things and nothing bad had happened. There were no horrific or painful consequences. And, I had withstood them, albeit in small doses, and not fallen completely apart or died.

That discovery has given me courage to face my feelings and possibly learn to deal with them in more healthy ways (denying, ignoring, or suppressing them is not healthy). This discovery doesn’t take away my first response to the feelings. I still get afraid and don’t like to sit with the feelings very long. It’s a habit to not have anything to do with my feelings, so that’s where my thoughts go first. Yet, as I allow myself to experience the feelings more, I may learn to feel more things, including positive things. I may even find joy.