Permission to Feel

In my Quiet Times, I’m reading a devotional book as a jumping off place. It’s called Joy Breaks: 90 Devotions to Celebrate, Simplify, and Ad Laughter to Your Life. The various devotions are written by one of four women: Patsy Clairmont, Barbara Johnson, Marilyn Meberg, or Luci Swindoll. On Monday I read “Don’t Grin and Bear It” by Barbara Johnson.

Basically it said that there is a place for sorrow and crying in our lives. Actually, it said that humans are the only animals created that can cry. “Scientific research indicates that tears – real, wet, human tears – may be the body’s mechanism for flushing away harmful chemicals produced during stress.” (p. 16) So that tells me that God has a purpose for crying and tears, and that we should not refrain from experiencing them.

However, crying means that we feel something, something pretty intense. And feeling scares me. I’ve done many things throughout my life to avoid feeling (or at least feeling intensely). My addiction to alcohol started because of feelings and frustrations I experienced as a young person. Self-harming behaviors developed as a way to not feel the emotions I was feeling. Keeping people at arm’s length kept me from feeling emotions. Getting caught up in a good book often helped me avoid feeling the real things in my life. There are probably other ways I’ve learned to avoid my feelings, but they come so naturally to me, that I can’t even identify them.

I’m not sure why my feelings are so frightening, but after reading the devotion I realize I’m not experiencing all that God wants me to experience because I’m unwilling to allow myself the emotions that may cause tears. The devotion cited Psalm 126:5-6: “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.” God understood our humanity (after all He created us) and expects there to be tears whether due to sorrow or joy. I’m missing out on being fully human by not allowing myself to feel intense sorrow or intense joy.

The devotion also said, “Sometimes allowing yourself to cry is the scariest thing you’ll ever do. And the bravest. It takes a lot of courage to face the facts, stare loss in the face, bare your heart, and let it bleed. But it is the only way to cleanse your wounds and prepare them for healing. God will take care of the rest.” (p. 17) So maybe I’m not alone in having trouble accepting my feelings and allowing myself to feel them. It may be scary for everyone. I need to learn to deal with my feelings in productive ways, first by identifying them and letting myself feel them.