In my Quiet Times, I’m reading a devotional book as a
jumping off place. It’s called Joy
Breaks: 90 Devotions to Celebrate, Simplify, and Ad Laughter to Your Life.
The various devotions are written by one of four women: Patsy Clairmont, Barbara
Johnson, Marilyn Meberg, or Luci Swindoll. On Monday I read “Don’t Grin and
Bear It” by Barbara Johnson.
Basically it said that there is a place for sorrow and
crying in our lives. Actually, it said that humans are the only animals created
that can cry. “Scientific research indicates that tears – real, wet, human
tears – may be the body’s mechanism for flushing away harmful chemicals
produced during stress.” (p. 16) So that tells me that God has a purpose for
crying and tears, and that we should not refrain from experiencing them.
However, crying means that we feel something, something
pretty intense. And feeling scares me. I’ve done many things throughout my life
to avoid feeling (or at least feeling intensely). My addiction to alcohol
started because of feelings and frustrations I experienced as a young person.
Self-harming behaviors developed as a way to not feel the emotions I was
feeling. Keeping people at arm’s length kept me from feeling emotions. Getting
caught up in a good book often helped me avoid feeling the real things in my
life. There are probably other ways I’ve learned to avoid my feelings, but they
come so naturally to me, that I can’t even identify them.
I’m not sure why my feelings are so frightening, but after
reading the devotion I realize I’m not experiencing all that God wants me to
experience because I’m unwilling to allow myself the emotions that may cause
tears. The devotion cited Psalm 126:5-6: “Those who sow in tears will reap with
songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with
songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.” God understood our humanity (after
all He created us) and expects there to be tears whether due to sorrow or joy.
I’m missing out on being fully human by not allowing myself to feel intense
sorrow or intense joy.
The devotion also said, “Sometimes allowing yourself to cry
is the scariest thing you’ll ever do. And the bravest. It takes a lot of
courage to face the facts, stare loss in the face, bare your heart, and let it
bleed. But it is the only way to cleanse your wounds and prepare them for
healing. God will take care of the rest.” (p. 17) So maybe I’m not alone in
having trouble accepting my feelings and allowing myself to feel them. It may
be scary for everyone. I need to learn to deal with my feelings in productive
ways, first by identifying them and letting myself feel them.
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