Each His Own Grace

At the beginning of 1 Samuel 8 we have a description of Samuel’s family. Scripture doesn’t tell us Samuel was married but we can make an assumption that he was because he had children. We don’t know what Samuel did as a father. We don’t know what kind of teacher he was for his children. We don’t know anything about his wife. What we do know is found in verses 1-5:

And it came about when Samuel was old that he appointed his sons judges over Israel. Now the name of his firstborn was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judging in Beersheba. His sons, however, did not walk in his ways, but turned aside after dishonest gain and took bribes and perverted justice. Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah; and they said to him, “Behold, you have grown old, and your sons do not walk in your ways . . .”

For whatever reason, Samuel’s sons did not turn out well. Was it Samuel’s fault? Did he fail to learn from Eli and his sons? Did he try to do the right things, but the sons were still disobedient and dishonest? We just don’t know.

What we do know is that the children of a good man and servant of God had turned aside from God’s ways. We know that the sons were in a town quite a distance from Samuel. Possibly Samuel sent them there because it was in an area Samuel’s regular circuit didn’t take him to and the people there needed judges. Maybe the power and influence the sons had in that area inflated their egos so they thought they were above the laws.

I learned two important things from this passage. First, honor and prestige can change men’s minds and hearts – and not usually for the better. We need to watch out for that in our own lives especially if we achieve some measure of earthly prominence in society. Second, God extends His grace to individuals, not families (or churches). It’s up to each person to recognize God’s grace and choose service to God over worldly possessions and prestige. Samuel’s faith could not blanket his children. They each have to make the decision to follow God on their own. That’s still true for us today. Whether we did all the right things in raising our children or not, ultimately, it’s up to each child to make a decision to do what is right in God’s eyes. Parents can’t force it on their offspring, and parents can’t make the decision for each individual under their care.

So, whether I did everything right or not, it’s up to my children to come to depend on divine grace for themselves. I hope my instructions and example influenced them in their decision-making process. I did the best I could. Still, ultimately, it’s up to them to depend on God and gain salvation for themselves.

Thirty Sterling Principles, Part 11

Today’s principle, #20, spoke to me about what it means to have a healthy, happy, stable home. It’s based on Proverbs 24:3-4, which says,

“It takes wisdom to build a house,
    and understanding to set it on a firm foundation;
It takes knowledge to furnish its rooms
    with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.”

The key elements are wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. Those are the same things that God told us about for living successful lives. Those are the same things that we are told elsewhere in Proverbs come about because we focus on God and His Word and ways.

I have tried to live a wise life, one filled with understanding and knowledge. In some ways I succeeded and have adult children who are independent, self-reliant, and successful in their endeavors. I’ve talked about them before. However, there is always room for improvement.

I can’t depend on the wisdom I’ve had in the past. I have to keep trying to learn and seek God’s wisdom in my daily life. I strive to use understanding in my dealings with the people who live in my house although sometimes I just don’t understand what is going on and don’t know how to gain the understanding needed in some situations. Sometimes all I can do is throw up my hands, fall to my knees and pray that God would show me what to do. Even when I’m thinking I’m doing or saying the right things, I sometimes find out that I am not.

Again, there are many situations that come up where I just have to rely on God’s grace and His protection to furnish my house with the right furniture and furnishings. In other words, to make my house the right environment and atmosphere for raising healthy children and maintaining my own sanity I need to turn to God and ask Him for His guidance. I wish I could say I do this with knowledge and wisdom. However, many times I have to backtrack and change the way I’m doing things so they get in line with God’s ways of doing things. Ultimately, all true wisdom, understanding, and knowledge are centered on God’s ways of doing things. I just don’t know what the right ways are all the time. So I have to ask for forgiveness from God and other people, and change my approach to do things the right way the next time.

Thirty Sterling Principles, Part 8

“Listen with respect to the father who raised you,

            and when your mother grows old, don’t neglect her.

Buy truth – don’t sell it for love or money;

            buy wisdom, buy education, buy insight.

Parents rejoice when their children turn out well;

            Wise children become proud parents.

So make your father happy!

            Make your mother proud!” Proverbs 23:22-25, Principle #16

This principle has several parts to it. The overall theme has to do with children listening to their parents and as a result, making the parents proud and happy. There is some instruction hidden in the middle of the passage: Buy truth . . . by wisdom, buy education, buy insight. These are instructions to children but I think they apply to all of us.

As I look back on my life, I wonder if I made my parents proud and happy. I can’t ask them any more since they are passed away, so it leaves me wondering. I think that in general they were proud of the choices I’ve made and proud of how I live my life. I remember a few things my parents said to me that lead me to believe they were proud of me. I think they were proud of my desires to live a truthful life. I’m pretty sure they were proud of my educational accomplishments. After all they did come to my graduation ceremonies: high school, undergraduate, and graduate school. I think they saw me using my resources to buy wisdom, education and insight.

I know that I am proud of my older two children for they continue to choose truth, wisdom, education, and insight as they go about their adult lives. I’m proud of my youngest daughter as she struggles to figure out what is truth in her life and tries to apply herself to her studies. In many ways my children make me a happy mother.

This passage, because of its focus on what children should do, caused me to pray for my children. I prayed they would seek truth, wisdom, education, and insight in their lives and desire to become proud parents themselves when the time comes. I prayed they would eventually have kids of their own that turn out well. I prayed they would be wise children who become proud parents. I am trusting God to work in my children making them into the kind of wise adults that will produce wise grandchildren for me. I am praying this on a daily basis this week.

Thirty Sterling Principles, Part 5

Today I will look at Principle #13 from Proverbs 23:15-16. The passage says,

“Dear child, if you become wise I’ll be one happy parent. My heart will dance and sing to the tuneful truth you speak.”

I like this principle because it reminds me to be joyful over the success of my children. Both my son and my first daughter have become wise in many ways. They are kind and considerate of others. They are generous in spirit and in action. They are successful in their endeavors (my son was successful in school and now is on his job, and my daughter is doing well in college and performs her various jobs with excellence). This principle is true in my experience. My children have become wise in many ways and I am one happy parent.

However, there are areas where I still pray for my children (all three of them). I pray they would become wise in the ways of God and desire to serve Him. I pray they will be honest and upright in their dealings with other people. I pray they long for true wisdom and truth that only comes from knowing God the Father through Jesus Christ. I pray they would live lives that are pleasing to God and full of truth. I long to dance and sing to the tuneful truths they speak because they are speaking God’s truths.

So while I am truly thankful for the good in my kids, I’m also keenly aware of their shortcomings and pray for them on a daily basis. I think many of us have children we are proud of. However, there are still many things I pray for my children. Mostly I pray they will have discernment, understanding, and revelation pertaining to the things of God and His Word. If they learn to live their lives according to the ways of God, I will truly be dancing and singing for joy. At this stage of the game, especially with my two older children, sometimes all I can do is pray. My goal is to be faithful in praying for them on a regular, daily would be good, basis.

It’s never too late to pray for our children.

Parenting Teenagers

I’m still reading the book about parenting teens: Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. I’m still looking for the exact words to say and the exact way to behave for various situations that might come up when dealing with the teenagers living with us. Unfortunately, this book is not a step-by-step, How To book. First off I think there are just too many possible situations that can come up when dealing with teens for any one book to be able to prepare me for what to say or do for each situation. So looking for that in this book is not realistic.

What this book talks a lot about is changing our attitudes about raising teens. It says we need to have a different mindset. In the author’s experience, many parents are just trying to survive the teen years. He encourages the reader to look at the teen years as an opportunity to reach our kids for God. That takes a different kind of thinking; not survival mode but still an attitude of perseverance.

One of the chapters in the book addresses getting to know the teenagers in our lives. Part of this means remembering what it was like to be teenagers ourselves. Another part of it is looking at what the Scriptures have to say about being teenagers. Actually, Scripture doesn’t say anything about teenagers; that’s a relatively new concept in society. But the Proverbs have a lot to say about youthfulness. In part the chapter says,

“Proverbs emphasizes the value of wisdom and the importance of correction. The father of Proverbs essentially says to his son, ‘Whatever you get in life, get wisdom! It is more valuable than you will ever know.’ The importance of listening and submitting to correction is similarly emphasized. Proverbs goes so far as to say, ‘He who hates correction is stupid’ (Proverbs 12:1).”

The problem is that kids don’t see us as wise or of having knowledge worthy of their attention. Teens are not going to come begging for our wisdom yet somehow we need to be able to communicate in ways that make wisdom appealing to them. Again, this book doesn’t tell me how to do that (and that is frustrating) but it does remind me to be thinking in those terms.

Another thing about teenagers is that they tend to think in terms of legalism. They want a set of dos and don’ts to follow. But just as coming up with a list of all the possible situations that can come up with teens is impossible, coming up with a specific list of rights and wrongs is impossible. We can’t possibly come up with instructions for each situation that may come up. There are just too many possible scenarios. And, what we really want to teach our teens is to act in ways that are pleasing to God. That goes beyond a list of dos and don’ts. We need to try to avoid falling into the trap of trying to give specific instructions for every possible situation. Our teens will just say we never said anything about doing a certain behavior, so it was okay for them to do it. This is really hard to avoid in some situations.

Again, the book does not tell me how to respond in each possible situation that may come up. It emphasizes having an attitude of helping our teenagers to see things as God sees them. Again, I’m not sure how to do that, but I no longer think this book will answer that question. I think I just need to pray about each situation as it comes up and ask God to help me see it as an opportunity to minister to my teenagers. I’m left feeling frustrated but also left with a little bit of hope that there might be ways of doing things differently than I am doing them now. Maybe there’s a way to get better results.

Parenting Idols

I’m reading a book called Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. I’m not very far in it yet, but one thing stands out to me. I have a lot of idols in my life that interfere with the way I relate to the teens in my life. These idols are not the typical things I think of when I think of having idols in my life. Those things – pride, selfishness, material possessions, etc. – are more easily seen as idols. The idols that get in my way of being an effective Christian parent are more subtle.

The definition the book uses for idols is interesting: “the places where we have tended to exchange worship and service of the Creator for worship and service of created things.” In another place it says, “What really rules our hearts?”

The idols parents of teens may have deal with comfort, respect, appreciation, success, and control. These are things we think we deserve and that our teens should supply for us. Take appreciation for example. We think by the time our children get to be teenagers they should appreciate all the wonderful things we have done and are doing for them. That takes a higher level of thinking than teens are generally capable of. If I am honest about it, my first two children didn’t really start voicing appreciation for the things I have done for them until they were away at college and suddenly came to grips with the things I had done for them that they now have to do for themselves. If I expect appreciation and am disappointed when I don’t get it, I’ve made appreciation an idol in my life.

As for respect, yes, it’s a good thing if children respect their parents. “But it must not be the thing that controls my heart or I will personalize what is not personal, I will lose sight of my role as God’s representative, and I will fight for and demand what only God can produce." If I focus on getting respect from my teens, I may actually encourage the exact opposite response from the teen and they will grow to resent me.

If I want to have a bigger impact on my children, I need to make sure that God is first in my life and that I am trying to incorporate God’s story into every encounter with my teen. I haven’t exactly figured out how to do that in practical ways. Maybe as I continue to read the book, I will get some ideas. But, I know I don’t want to have idols getting in my way of loving and serving the teens in my life.

No Ideas

Sometimes it’s hard to come up with an idea for something to write about in my blog. I don’t have a boring life, so the fact that I can’t think of anything to write about kind of irritates me. Life does have it’s routines and maybe I get caught up in the routine a little too much and forget to notice the unusual or the extraordinary.

One thing that is going on in our lives is that our son will be moving to Chicago. His first real, post-college, job begins June 19^th. That means we have to move some of his stuff from our home to his current apartment (or to a storage unit near his current apartment) so the movers will be able to move all his stuff at once. This has been a big project. The logistics of it are still being worked out. While it is somewhat frustrating and a bit overwhelming to deal with all the details, it is also an exciting time. We are very proud of him. He is trying to finish up his graduate studies, look for an apartment in the greater Chicago area, and plan his move. All we have to do is get his stuff to him. I don’t know why I’m feeling so overwhelmed by it.

We also have our daughter home from her first year of college. It was a good year as far as her studies went. We are very proud of her for all she accomplished during her freshman year of college. We’ve been able to have some good discussions about a wide range of subjects. I’m cherishing these conversations and times together. However, it would also be good if she could find a job for the summer. That is proving a hard thing to do. She may end up doing some volunteer work for a local Christian organization. Whatever she does it will be nice to have her around for the summer.

So, there are eventful things going on in our lives. I should be able to come up with even more interesting items to write about, but for this week this is the best I can do. Hope you are having a good week.

Preparations

Hurry up and wait. That’s what it feels like. Getting ready for a big party, for my daughter’s high school graduation open house. I’m finding there are some things that cannot be done ahead of time and that is frustrating. I’m also finding there are things my daughter wants to do, without help from me, and letting her do them is frustrating. And, different from my son’s open house, four years ago, when he didn’t want to do anything except show up.

I’ve been in “stand by” mode, waiting in the wings, just in case she needs or wants help from me. She’s busy preparing homemade, all the way down to the crust, pies. She did not want a cake at her party. She wanted to be different and to her homemade, from scratch, pies at an open house is as different as she can get. I have to admit, I’ve never been to an open house where pie was the featured item. We are having sub sandwiches, barbecued mini-smokie links, con queso dip with chips, potato chips with dip, and Greek salad. But, for Caitlinn, we have pies in lieu of cake.

There will be a small cake, however. My son graduated from college this spring and my daughter said to get him a cake. She ordered one for him to have at the open house. He doesn’t know that (and since he doesn’t usually read my blog, I’m pretty safe mentioning it here without breaking the surprise).

For my part, I have just a few more things to shop for that have to wait at least until Friday, because I don’t have room in my refrigerator yet to store them. But, I have my list so I’m ready. I guess I’m as ready as I can be.

Yet, I know I will probably add something to one of my lists of things to buy or do between now and the time I actually post this blog. 

Bragging, Kind Of

Graduations. That’s what’s going on around here. Two weeks ago, my son graduated from college. In three weeks my daughter will graduate from high school. Both have done well and I could write several paragraphs about their successes. I am very proud of them. They have grown into young adults that work up to their potential, other people enjoy having around, and that are generally very responsible.

In many areas, parenting is done. It’s adjustment time for the parents. Mike and I are going to have to change the way we view our children – our young adults. They still need us but in different ways and for different things than before. We have some adjusting to do. While they are “well-adjusted,” we have lagged behind, holding onto our images of them as children. I think it’s only natural.

For over 22 of our 26 years as a couple, children have been a part of the mix. For all those years, we have taken physical care of them, encouraged them emotionally, introduced them to a spiritual life, chauffeured them around, helped them with homework in one way or another, and done all the other big and small intangibles that are part of responsible, loving parenting. Our roles will change as their needs change. I’m just not sure yet what that will look like. And, that is a bit scary.

Of course, each stage in their development has brought new challenges, new roles, some of which we were not anticipating or prepared for. However, the stages seemed to flow into one another, and when our son passed through a stage and started another, our daughter was entering the stage he was exiting. This is different. They will both be out of the house, away from home, out of our day-to-day lives. We will not see them and know what they need – whether it’s a hug or twenty dollars. We will not talk to them everyday and hear when they are frustrated or afraid. We will not know how their classes are going. But all those things will be on our minds.

We will have to adjust to the not knowing that comes with them being out-of-sight most of the time. I see prayer as a much bigger part of our lives. It may be the only way to lessen anxiety (which is just a nice way to say lessen the worrying).

Visiting Colleges

Did I “visit” colleges before I decided which college I was going to attend to get my higher (post-secondary) education? I don’t remember. I think it is a good idea. I am not sure how I picked Western Michigan University.

I thought I was going to study accounting. My aunt is a CPA and I worked for her several summers while in high school. I took some accounting courses in high school. It seemed like accounting was the logical progression. My aunt suggested going to Western because she felt they taught accounting with practicality in mind (versus some of the larger, more prestigious, universities who were more theoretical). A final factor in my decision was all about the money. Western offered more money in scholarships and grants. But I don’t remember visiting campus. I wonder if it would have made a difference.

Whatever the reason, ending up at Western was exactly what God wanted – although He could’ve worked in my life no matter where I went. I met the right people, learned about a personal higher power, changed my perspective on the purpose of life, and eventually changed my major. I met people, friends, who are still in my life today. I met my husband.

As I “visit” colleges with my daughter, I wonder what God has in store for her. While walking around various campuses, I find myself praying for her coming college experience. I want her to find God and meet lifelong friends. I want her to love whatever she chooses to study – not necessarily some “logical progression” – whatever she thinks is important and worthwhile. I want her to get to know God in a personal way.

I don’t know what will come of these college visits. I do know that God will find her wherever she ends up. And, I do know I will be praying.

Learning as you go

This week I’m finishing a book I started reading shortly after Christmas. It is a memoir written by a mother and daughter. The mother, Sue Monk Kidd (The Secret Life of Bees) and her daughter Ann Kidd Taylor, wrote Traveling with Pomegranates. As they traveled to Greece, Turkey, and France together, they struggled to develop their individual identities as women, and their changing identities as a middle-aged mother and a young-adult daughter.

The references to Greek gods and sacred religious statues, sites and icons mostly go over my head. What made the most impact on me dealt with the defining and redefining of the relationship between mother and daughter. The mother, Sue, at the time of the events in the book is nearly the same age as I am now. Even though Ann is older than my daughter, her struggles to find herself and the life she was meant to live is very similar to the struggles I see in my daughter as she is looking at high school graduation (2012) and picking a college.

Sue and Ann spend time tiptoeing around each other, serendipitously watching each other, trying to figure out what to say and what not to say. Sue fears saying the wrong thing or intruding in Ann’s life and thoughts that will not be helpful. Ann struggles to figure out what she can and cannot share with her mom. As the mom in my relationship with my daughter, I am struggling to be and do what is appropriate for the changing relationship with my soon-to-be-young-adult daughter. I don’t get it right often, maybe even more often than not. My intentions are good. My expertise is lacking. It’s not the same as it was with my son at this juncture, so I’m in uncharted water.

For anyone who is reading this hoping for some answers, I will disappoint you. I’m carefully, and without trying to interfere, watching my daughter. Sometimes I still have to apply some discipline because she is still living in my house and certain behaviors are expected. But mostly I’m here, waiting and ready if she needs help (but she has to ask for it; she has to want my help.)

And, like Sue, I’m trying to figure out what life looks like apart from being a mother. I still ask myself what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve walked along several life paths, leaving one occupation or vocation behind as I move forward toward something else. I’m still going to be a mom, but what that means will continue to evolve as my children become adults and parents themselves. I don’t know what lies ahead or what life will look like on the other side of fulltime motherhood. All I can do is keep walking, climbing one hill at a time patiently waiting to see what is in the next valley. And still keep walking. No profound words here. Just keep walking.

Academics Is Not All There Is

Last week I wrote about being a mom with high standards and expectations for my kids. I want to clarify: I do not think using belittling language, accepting only perfection, and handing out physical punishments (like withholding bathroom use) are appropriate methods for getting the best out of kids. I also do not think kids should not be involved in extracurricular activities. Sports, drama/theater, music, art, and other clubs (SADD, Student council, Chess, etc.) are constructive outlets and can provide the foundation for a life-long hobby. Sports especially can jumpstart a life of fitness and health. It is nice if one excels in their hobby or sport, but it is not necessary. There is enjoyment in participating and in the social aspects of the activity.

I want my kids to interact with other kids as they pursue similar interests. From the earliest age it is the social interactions that teach cooperation, turn taking, empathy, compassion, teamwork, and even helps in developing a sense of humor.

Other possible social activities can take place outside of school. I like the fact that my children have been involved in our church’s youth group and teen Bible studies. They have served with other youth as “missionaries” on various mission trips (Katrina reconstruction in Alabama, children programs in poor rural areas, assisting the elderly, serving meals at a homeless shelter). Shared spiritual interests and beliefs can develop a sense of community, of belonging, of purpose, and a sense of inner wellbeing. As they see and meet the needs of others, they have gained a greater appreciation for what they have and a sense of compassion for those with fewer opportunities.

Balance. Academics. School related activities. Service projects. Spiritual growth. It’s not as simple as a seesaw because there is more than one fulcrum and each activity has a varying amount of weight (value, priority.) My job is to help my kids learn to balance, giving the right amount attention to each aspect of their lives, while I (and my husband, of course) model ways to navigate a complex, and ever changing, schedule.

Am I a Tiger Mom?

Many of us are getting tired of the Tiger Mom phenomena. The line between abuse (especially verbal abuse) and healthy, productive challenge has been blurred. Describing good parenting behavior has never been a black and white issue, but the gray area was largely left alone. The Tiger Mom, Amy Chua, (Time Magazine, January 31, 2011) has brought some of the gray issues into the open and many “American parents” are disturbed by the possibility that the Tiger Mom’s parenting style may produce “smarter” children.

I agree with Chua on several points. First, kids need to apply themselves to their studies to be as prepared as possible to succeed in whatever they want to do. Settling for satisfactory achievement limits future opportunities. There are some things (many things) they will be unprepared to deal with. For instance, computer knowledge and skills are needed for cashiering and for nuclear physics. Public education has given Americans a good (but not always great) start. I believe students should work hard in order to, “Get all the education they can from their free education buck.” I have pushed my children to take higher-level courses (usually honor classes and/or Advance Placement courses.) I think they are better prepared to succeed in college and beyond.

Next, Chua notes that Americans protect their children from having to deal with discomfort and distress. But, Chua, and the research in psychology and cognitive science, indicates protecting children from the tough stuff limits their ability to gain mastery in any area. Protecting children does not give them the chances to learn “that they’re capable of overcoming adversity and achieving goals.” (Time, p. 39) Eventually everyone hits a hard spot in life. Will my children be overwhelmed or confident in dealing with life’s hard times? I hope I’ve been tough-enough on them.

Third, there is too much empty praise given to children. Even my daughter recognizes “empty praise” on her school report card. She actually told one of her teachers to stop using the comment “Demonstrates excellent effort.” She knows she did not do the best she could (although good enough for an A grade.) She is frustrated by having everyone tell her she’s “Above average” or “Excelling” and not making comments or suggestions that will enable further intellectual development. In other words, if all her teachers think she is doing “A” work and do not offer suggestions for improving or going beyond expectations, she is not learning anything.

I remember having several conversations with my kids’ teachers throughout the years. In the five-minute parent/teacher conferences some of those teachers would freely and abundantly throw around the word, “awesome.” Awesome is a little over the top in my opinion. Kids know when they did not do their best work. Telling kids that they did great work when they know differently leads to “skating by,” doing the minimum required for a desired outcome. It does not involve excellence. My idea of excellence is “doing the best you can with the time and resources available.” Obviously, my daughter did not consider her work to be excellent.

I sometimes find it a losing battle. Is my kid going to believe me when I challenge him/her to do excellent work when his/her teachers are telling him/her she’s awesome? My kids, as I did in high school, take the easier way, because they can meet their teachers’ expectations with little effort. I try to encourage my kids to strive for more, even talking to teachers about increasing the expectations for my kids. Sometimes that gets results and sometimes not.

I do draw the line at calling my children negative names or making derisive comments about their intellect or abilities. Some research I read somewhere says that for every hurtful comment a parent makes, it takes ten loving and self-esteem building comments to balance the scale. I try to do this but it is hard work. And, just like my kids can determine the empty praise from their teachers, they can detect insincere comments I make in an effort to say something profound.

I won’t go to the extremes, withholding bathroom use or doing hours and hours of homework excluding other activities, but I will press my kids to have excellence as the measure of their success or failure.