Many of us are getting tired of the Tiger Mom phenomena. The line between abuse (especially verbal abuse) and healthy, productive challenge has been blurred. Describing good parenting behavior has never been a black and white issue, but the gray area was largely left alone. The Tiger Mom, Amy Chua, (Time Magazine, January 31, 2011) has brought some of the gray issues into the open and many “American parents” are disturbed by the possibility that the Tiger Mom’s parenting style may produce “smarter” children.
I agree with Chua on several points. First, kids need to apply themselves to their studies to be as prepared as possible to succeed in whatever they want to do. Settling for satisfactory achievement limits future opportunities. There are some things (many things) they will be unprepared to deal with. For instance, computer knowledge and skills are needed for cashiering and for nuclear physics. Public education has given Americans a good (but not always great) start. I believe students should work hard in order to, “Get all the education they can from their free education buck.” I have pushed my children to take higher-level courses (usually honor classes and/or Advance Placement courses.) I think they are better prepared to succeed in college and beyond.
Next, Chua notes that Americans protect their children from having to deal with discomfort and distress. But, Chua, and the research in psychology and cognitive science, indicates protecting children from the tough stuff limits their ability to gain mastery in any area. Protecting children does not give them the chances to learn “that they’re capable of overcoming adversity and achieving goals.” (Time, p. 39) Eventually everyone hits a hard spot in life. Will my children be overwhelmed or confident in dealing with life’s hard times? I hope I’ve been tough-enough on them.
Third, there is too much empty praise given to children. Even my daughter recognizes “empty praise” on her school report card. She actually told one of her teachers to stop using the comment “Demonstrates excellent effort.” She knows she did not do the best she could (although good enough for an A grade.) She is frustrated by having everyone tell her she’s “Above average” or “Excelling” and not making comments or suggestions that will enable further intellectual development. In other words, if all her teachers think she is doing “A” work and do not offer suggestions for improving or going beyond expectations, she is not learning anything.
I remember having several conversations with my kids’ teachers throughout the years. In the five-minute parent/teacher conferences some of those teachers would freely and abundantly throw around the word, “awesome.” Awesome is a little over the top in my opinion. Kids know when they did not do their best work. Telling kids that they did great work when they know differently leads to “skating by,” doing the minimum required for a desired outcome. It does not involve excellence. My idea of excellence is “doing the best you can with the time and resources available.” Obviously, my daughter did not consider her work to be excellent.
I sometimes find it a losing battle. Is my kid going to believe me when I challenge him/her to do excellent work when his/her teachers are telling him/her she’s awesome? My kids, as I did in high school, take the easier way, because they can meet their teachers’ expectations with little effort. I try to encourage my kids to strive for more, even talking to teachers about increasing the expectations for my kids. Sometimes that gets results and sometimes not.
I do draw the line at calling my children negative names or making derisive comments about their intellect or abilities. Some research I read somewhere says that for every hurtful comment a parent makes, it takes ten loving and self-esteem building comments to balance the scale. I try to do this but it is hard work. And, just like my kids can determine the empty praise from their teachers, they can detect insincere comments I make in an effort to say something profound.
I won’t go to the extremes, withholding bathroom use or doing hours and hours of homework excluding other activities, but I will press my kids to have excellence as the measure of their success or failure.
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