A New Realization on an Old Commitment

I once made commitments and decisions to keep myself safe and talked about them in my blog. However, those commitments and decisions were “date-stamped.” There was always an expiration date attached to them. I’ve wavered in those commitments over time and spent many dark moments in between commitments contemplating suicide and self-harm (even engaging in the self-harm at times).

Today I want to talk about the end of those commitments – those temporary commitments.

As I was reading God’s Word and praising Him this last week, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. (Not an audible spoken word, but gentle nudge). The nudge was for me to contemplate the status of those commitments.

I realized that somewhere in the last year suicide and self-harm had become non-issues. The Spirit’s influence on my life, especially since May when we first learned of the possibility of my having cancer and continuing through treatment and ongoing, has shown me that I want to live. I want to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. I want to be a witness to the saving power of Jesus Christ. I want to spend my every waking moment (and if possible, every dream at night) worshiping and praising the glorious and merciful God of my salvation.

Those desires and behaviors do not allow for taking things into my own hands. I don’t have to think about suicide not being an option anymore. It just isn’t.

This is big. I’ve struggle with mental illness most/all of my life and some of these harmful thoughts have been with me for equally as long. Now they are just gone. The decision wasn’t to make them not an option. The decision was to live my life for God’s purposes, a completely different way of thinking about things. It’s not focusing on what I will NOT do. It’s focusing on what I WILL do. This is a completely different way of approaching life.

I don’t know why the struggles have been such a part of my life, but God allowed them. He, I’m assuming, used them to accomplish His purposes for a time – maybe so my experiences would help or encourage another. I hope so. However, I’m going into a new phase of my life (or returning to an old one like at the time I first accepted Christ).

This is big. I just wanted to share it with all of you. This doesn’t mean there won’t be more struggles (John 16:33 assured us that in this world we will have tribulation) but my perspective has changed. Now I’m looking at Jesus and His promises (John 16:33 continues by saying we are to take courage because Jesus has overcome the world). 

Here's to a new way of living!