Post Surgery Thoughts

So, I’ve had both surgeries now and can see better without any glasses. The surgeries were uneventful and routine according to the doctor. However, they were not routine for me and, since I’ll never need the surgeries again, will never become routine for me. I’m glad that the doctor did not have any problems or complications to deal with. I’m glad I did not move or wiggle at the wrong moments. I’m glad that I’m now on the road to recovery and am able to see, with the help of reading glasses, enough to get back on the computer and write.

However, I’m not totally without disappointment. At the one-day-post-op appointment the doctor gave me some news – bad news to me. I will need glasses once the adjustment period for my eyes is up. The lenses they put in my eyes did not totally correct the distance vision so I will need glasses, just as I was getting used to looking at my face without glasses on. This is disappointing to me. It will probably be back to the bifocal thing since I can’t read without any glasses on.

Again, there’s a “however.” However, God was ultimately in charge. This is the way He worked out the details. I need to accept that this is God’s will for my life (and my vision). It calls into question my willingness to believe that God is in control. Am I totally convinced about God’s omniscience, omnipotence, love, mercy, grace, etc. Or do I just profess a faith that is surface deep and not part of my inner being. I think at times like this – when believing with my head is so difficult because things didn’t turn out the way I planned – I have to rely upon my heart. What does my heart really believe?

When I ask that question, I’m brought back to the time in my life when I did not know Jesus in a personal way. Life was so much worse and I had so little to hope in. Over time the joy of first meeting Christ has waned and surged many times. Right now I’m in a waning stage, but if challenged, I still know and believe the Truth. My hope and faith will surge again sometime. History has proved that.

So even without the perfect, as I see perfect, outcome to my surgeries, deep in my inner being, I recognize that this is somehow God’s perfect outcome. I wait expectantly for God to reveal to me why this was His perfect will.

Trusting God in Scary Situations

This week I had cataract surgery on my left eye. I’m writing this a week early because I don’t know what condition I will be in sight-wise after the surgery. The doctor and the nurses tell me I will be able to see better pretty much as soon as they take the patch off my eye the day after surgery. Other people I know who have had the procedure also say I will be able to see right away and I will notice a big difference. However, I wanted to have this blog article ready to post for June 18^th just in case.

So why did I title this blog “Trusting God in Scary Situations?” It is primarily because I’m able to come up with the worse case scenarios so easily. It makes the anticipation of the surgeries (I’m having the right eye done the next week) a frightening proposition. It is a scary situation to me because of the worse case scenarios I come up with. Yet, am I to believe the experts and trust them to do everything right without any reassurances? No. My reassurance comes from trusting that God ultimately has all things in control. He knows I rely on my eyes to write, to read, to do Bible study, to see my family, etc. If, for some divine purpose, my vision is not made better, I can trust that God has a plan in that also. I can trust God because He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11).

There’s only one problem to all that positive thinking: I’m depressed and I find it hard to notice the way God is working in and around my life. That also makes the surgeries scary situations. Everything seems scary right now. That’s how it normally is when I’m depressed. I go through each day worrying about my kids, my husband, any traveling I have to do, any thoughts I might have that are not the trusting God kind of thoughts, worrying about when/if this mood will ever lift (without ending up in a mania again), etc. So what do I do? I rely on friends and family to remind me of God’s grace. However, they are not always aware that I need those reminders (I hide how I’m feeling most of the time pretty well; although today, Mike husband asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer him because all my worries, when they come out of my mouth, seem so trivial).

So today I’m listening for an encouraging word – maybe even from The Word. Does anyone have some for me? Maybe by the time you read this my first surgery will have gone so well, that I will already be encouraged. I’ll let you know.