Making Commitments

I admit it. I’m a perfectionist. Often that means I will not try to do something if I don’t think I can do it perfectly. That sometimes means I miss out on things that could be fun or that could be helpful.

For instance, I don’t like to promise I will do something if there’s any chance that I will not be able to follow through. This has been a source of frustration to my kids at times as they like to think I promised to do something, when I know I have not promised anything. It is also a source of frustration for myself because I say no to things that I could say yes to with a reasonable amount of assurance that I can follow through.

What does this have to do with making commitments? Easy. I see each commitment as a promise, something I said I would do. But what if I can’t live up to the commitment? What if I fall short? What if I do not do it perfectly? What if I fail to complete one aspect of the promise?

Recently, it was pointed out to me that I can make a commitment and not have to be perfect in the way I carry out of the commitment. It's like deciding to play a musical instrument to the best of your ability. Deciding to play an instrument doesn't mean you won't make mistakes and need to practice through the rough spots many times over. It will take practice. Mistakes will be made. But the intent is still there to play the instrument as well as you can. And, even imperfect music can be enjoyable to listen to.

So as I think about commitments I need to make in my life, I can see why I’m afraid to make some of them. I feel I have to “play the notes” completely and totally right so the final sound is perfect. So, while I'm willing to concede that suicide is not really an option, and I should commit to maintaining that point of view, I am afraid I cannot do everything that means perfectly. When I think of all the things that means like always taking insulin correctly, exercising, eating right, food journaling, keeping a mental health journal, not engaging in self-harming activities, etc., I get overwhelmed at thinking I can’t do it all perfectly.

But if I'm going to be honest with myself, I don’t have to do all those things perfectly to still keep the essence of the commitment. I can be committed to life and still make a misstep from time to time. One sour note does not mean complete failure.