In general, addictions exist to allow people to avoid feeling. I honed my addictions until they worked like magic – at least I told myself so. The feelings found their way into my thoughts and actions anyway. I have, over the course of several years, made three of my addictions off limits, not even allowing myself to think about them.
First there was alcohol. I came to believe that if I were to drink again, I would die in short order, probably by my own hand. Total abstinence was required. I have maintained that decision for 12 years, one day at a time, by the grace of God.
Then there was another way to numb that I had “used” off and on for years. Self-harm behaviors. I made the decision to stop hurting myself, especially by cutting. Again, total abstinence was required. I have maintained this, for the most part, for about 4 years, one day at a time, by the grace of God.
Most recently I made the decision to not allow myself to consider suicide and suicidal ideation (thinking about suicide and ways to do it) as viable ways to cope with emotional, mental, or physical pain. This also requires total abstinence. I’ve done this, but not perfectly, for the last 18 months, one day at a time, in 6-month intervals, by the grace of God.
Now I have to apply the “replacement skills” I’ve learned as I gave up my addictions. Using new coping skills to fill the gap is uncomfortable. I want to find an easier way to deal with the emotions. The problem is emotions are not easy to deal with – but they are necessary, they exist for a reason.
I was told a year and a half ago that I was addicted to anything that will let me distract from feeling my emotions. I need to remind myself of this often. And in the remembering, I can commit to one more day without using one of these three “favorite” addictions. By the grace of God.
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