I Will Not Thrive Every Day

I needed, and got, a little reminder today: I will not be perfect at thriving everyday. So I’m struggling a little right now. It’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t mean I’m standing at the edge of the black hole again. In fact, the struggling is distinctly different from other, past, times. I’m not freaking out in anticipation of the certain impending doom. Proof?

Other people say I’m still smiling a lot more than I have done in the past. [Thank you, Alice]. Today at my regular Wednesday 11:30 a.m. AA meeting I shared how I’m struggling right now. I basically said that I’m doing the things I don’t want to do, and I’m not doing the things I want to do. Okay, I borrowed from the Letter to the Romans written by Paul.

Paul wrote: “For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.”

Another version says, “For I do not understand my own actions [I am baffled, bewildered].”

I am baffled and bewildered. I know what I need to do to achieve my goals for health and fitness. I plan to do them, little step by little step. I don’t make lofty plans that I’m sure I will never do. I agreed today to work on two things:

1. Journal my food intake – just journal it, not beat myself up for eating the “wrong” things. I had several successful months of recording and keeping accountable by “reporting” the journal’s content to my sister. Eventually I was much more conscious of what, when and how much I was eating, and I was making better choices. I even lost a little weight.

2. Walk more. I decided last week to use a pedometer (to measure number of steps) and try to walk a little more each day. I have a long-term goal of being able to participate in a 5K charity walk for the Juvenile Diabetes Foundation. That usually takes place near the end of July. It is a realistic goal, but it will stretch me.

Today, although I’m in a kind of survival mode, I’m still able to smile. I’m also able to accept the observations of others that I am not at the edge. I struggle to see how this funk is different from other times. I am not used to feeling sad or frustrated without going to the extremes. But others point it out to me, and I recognize that this survival mode is not desperate, overwhelming, or too heavy to bear. As I practice new skills to move me back to a state of thriving, I’m building mental and emotional muscles. What’s the old saying? “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I may not be doing what I want to do – but I am doing less of the things I don’t want to do, the things I hate.

So I was reminded today that not thriving does not automatically mean striving. There are gray areas, and shades of a middle ground, a place of things being okay just as they are.