Boundaries, Part 2

Last week I wrote about setting boundaries. Boundaries keep me from engaging in unhealthy behaviors. Setting up healthy boundaries allows me to survive, even in the midst of emotional turmoil. The boundaries are enough to keep me safe. Hurting myself in any way is not an option. I have agreed to continue, renew, my commitments from the past year. Drinking, self-harm, and suicidal ideation are not options. It is still scary to give those things up. It is scary because I know I can’t do those things, but I don’t know what to do instead.

During this last week I have spent time contemplating where to set the “old” (and new?) boundaries. I decided the three boundaries I had last year covered everything that will keep me safe and allow me to survive. I still felt something else needed doing. Is surviving enough? I want more than that. I want to feel alive. That’s the next step. Surviving is looking at the things I cannot do, drawing the line in the dirt, and/or putting up a barricade preventing me from going to unsafe places. Surviving. Isn’t there something more?

The answer is a resounding, “Yes!” I was asked to consider things that make me feel alive. What things do I do and think about to bring me contentment, peace, and a sense of wellbeing? I’m still thinking about it, but I know that keeping a daily routine is a key element. Bible reading, prayer, meditating, and journaling are musts. Also good is contributing to others – preparing meals for my family, giving rides to people when I can, help my mom and sister, and being a part of the leadership team for Celebrate Recovery (CR) at my church. I don’t have to do these things to survive. I do them because in the doing I feel good about myself. I feel worthy of the attention and love others give to me. I feel useful and realize that if I did not exist, some of these things might not get done.

Yet I still feel like there is something missing. I want more than just surviving. I want to be alive and live in the present, not reliving my past or speculating on the future. I want more. I want to have an impact on my world. I want to make a difference in the lives of others (without the manic grandiosity that can come from my mental illness.) This is more than being content with the status quo. It takes feeling alive one step further. It is thinking and doing in ways that lead me toward thriving (flourishing, prospering.) In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs language, I want to become “self-actualized.” My writing, as a vocation and not a hobby, leads me toward the goal to thrive. Teaching, in the preparing and presenting, gives me an outlet for the things that move me toward a life that thrives. It involves building on the things that make me feel alive ever moving toward being the best person I can be.

I need to think about this some more. The framework is in place. There are three life conditions I can exist within. I can look at my behavior and thinking, and decide where I am each day, and where I want to be. No one condition is expected to be prominent every day, but I can acknowledge where I am and deal with life from one of the three points of view and choose to move forward:

SURVIVE => (feel) ALIVE => THRIVE

I used arrows to indicate it is a process where I, hopefully, move past staying in survival mode to live in the present, in a fully alive and content stage most of the time. Right now I can’t see myself thriving all the time. Maybe thriving all the time is not possible. Thriving looks at what can be possible and doesn’t necessarily, for me, take into account the daily things of life which need to be done.

Next week I will look at SURVIVE => ALIVE => THRIVE in a different way. Check out Boundaries, part 3 next Thursday.